New here. Not yet diagnosed.

Hi everyone. I'm in my 40s and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in my mid 20s but in hindsight it was obvious that I was suffering since at least my teens but nobody talked about those things in the 90s, school was a lonely time for me. I'll give as detailed an introduction as i can but will also try not to waffle too much but I do tend to do that.

In recent years after reading more articles about adults struggling in many, many similar ways to me and discovering that they are in fact on the spectrum somewhere I've started thinking about it a lot and reading about it more. I have been building up the courage for a while to speak to my GP about it and will be making an appointment next week.

It isnt just about depression and anxiety for me anymore and the depression has always been very infrequent but the anxiety is almost constant, It's the triggers that have made me think and almost all of them have been part of me since childhood.

• The sudden loud noises that can sometimes make me snap.
• Becoming overwhelmed if too much is happening at once and this could be my wife asking me something the same time as our little boy is whilst the TV is too loud, to the point where my head will literally feel like it's buzzing and I'll have to either tell everybody to stop right now or leave the room before i shout. The same if things are moving too quickly for me and I cannot process them.
• Being uncomfortable going out in public and being anxious just thinking about it.
• Having periods where i think everybody dislikes me or the opposite that they all love me, never just content and in the moment. 
• Worrying that everything is about me e.g in work where whenever my boss is talking to somebody then it must be about me and it must be bad. 
• Needing routines and order all the time. Morning routines for work and school drop offs or even in the way the dishes are stacked on the draining board or clothes are draped on the airer. Everything is about order and/or not making life harder. 
• Needing to plan everything to the tiniest detail, especially journeys, I need to know exactly what is going to happen and don't really like spontaneity. 
• Noticing small details and obsessing over them. 
• Very few friends have stuck with me over the years and I do find it difficult to make and keep new ones. 
• Always found it very difficult in especially loud and boisterous situations which made my rugby years very difficult. 
• I simply cannot look anybody in the eye when talking to them. Absolutely cannot do it. Its something I've been aware of for years and have tried to do it but I always look away quite quickly, it feels confrontational. 
• Outbursts of anger after severe frustration. These can be quite sudden. I really should not play computer games, that affects me the most. 

Reconsidering all of this whilst reading of others' experiences has made me wonder if my anxiety is a symptom rather than the condition itself. I do wonder what i want to get out of this, if i am asssessed and diagnosed then what? But i wonder (perhaps hope) that a diagnosis would help me make sense of the world and myself and not excuse my occasional poor behaviour but help me and loved ones understand and control it better.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll catch you all elsewhere on the board. All the best.