Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I'm new to the group and wanted to come here to ask about this as I think it might be an Autistic thing.
I've really messed up with a friend of mine (we're both on the spectrum). My grandfather passed away recently with us all at the bedside, and just the other day, my friend lost her grandfather too. However, while I didn't know her grandparents, it feels like her family weren't supporting him at the end...her parents were out at a dinner with friends, despite knowing her grandfather was unwell, and her grandmother was all alone with her grandfather when he died. And even though they live near each other, her grandmother told them by text. They really should have all been with her grandparents as we were with my grandfather, that's what families should do. I just thought all this was appalling, so when she texted me to say her grandfather had died, I told her that it was so wrong her grandmother was on her own with him and that she should go over to be with her. My friend got really upset by this and now isn't speaking to me. She claims that they're all very close and that they'd been in and out supporting her grandparents all the time, and that they hadn't known it was going to be that day, and I was 'judging how her family grieved'– that her grandparents had wanted things to go on as normal right up until the end of her grandfather's life, and that ideally her grandmother wanted to be alone with her grandfather at the end (to be honest, I wonder if that's even true, she's never told me that before). She said she was upset with me and didn't want to speak to me until after the funeral. Of course I'm so sorry to have upset her, especially with what she's going through, I feel so awful, and I did apologise, but I just think how her family treated her grandfather at the end of his life was really wrong, especially as my grandfather was so supported by us all, and I felt it was important to say that. Also I think it's a bit unfair she's said she doesn't want to talk to me for a few weeks, because I think we should be supporting each other as we've both just been through the same thing.
Please be honest, I can take it!
Thank you.
Firstly, my sympathies to you on the recent death of your grandfather.
As others have commented, I'm inclined to think your grief has possibly influenced your opinion toward your friend and her family. Everyone is different in terms of how they offer support when it is known that a loved one is dying. It's possible that maybe your friend's grandfather didn't want anyone other than his wife to be at his bedside when he died. From what you've said, the family had been popping in and out prior to his death.
Even when death isn't unexpected, not even medical professionals can state with certainty when the moment of death will occur, and sometimes the person themselves doesn't want to die when their loved ones are around.
Speaking from experience, I was physically and mentally exhausted when my dad died a few years ago. During the weeks leading up to his death, I'd had very little sleep, and at the moment of death, I had been awake for more than 24 hours. There was no way that I could have remained by his bedside indefinitely. To be honest, I think he had been holding on for as long as he could in the hope that we would quite literally leave him to die in peace.
As emotions are clearly running high, perhaps allow some time for the dust to settle and then see if your friend is willing to accept an olive branch.
I agree with what other people have said here. I’d just add though that please be forgiving of yourself for making a mistake regarding these comments to your friend - because you didn’t mean to upset her. You’re grieving too so it’s a highly emotive subject for you. If I were in your position I would send a card simply saying ‘I’m sorry, I got this wrong and I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings at a time when you needed support. I’m here for you whenever you need me and I’m so sorry for your loss’. Give her time and space as people have said above, but at least the card will make her aware that you’re sorry and that you’re here for her. Hopefully she’ll understand. Good luck, and I’m sorry for your loss.
I totally agree that sending a sympathy card apologising for what you said, offering your condolences and saying you're there for her would be a good idea. That would be less invasive than messaging/phoning etc at this time, but would show you're thinking of her. And yes, be kind and gentle to yourself. We all make mistakes, especially when we're struggling with grief.