Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I'm new to the group and wanted to come here to ask about this as I think it might be an Autistic thing.
I've really messed up with a friend of mine (we're both on the spectrum). My grandfather passed away recently with us all at the bedside, and just the other day, my friend lost her grandfather too. However, while I didn't know her grandparents, it feels like her family weren't supporting him at the end...her parents were out at a dinner with friends, despite knowing her grandfather was unwell, and her grandmother was all alone with her grandfather when he died. And even though they live near each other, her grandmother told them by text. They really should have all been with her grandparents as we were with my grandfather, that's what families should do. I just thought all this was appalling, so when she texted me to say her grandfather had died, I told her that it was so wrong her grandmother was on her own with him and that she should go over to be with her. My friend got really upset by this and now isn't speaking to me. She claims that they're all very close and that they'd been in and out supporting her grandparents all the time, and that they hadn't known it was going to be that day, and I was 'judging how her family grieved'– that her grandparents had wanted things to go on as normal right up until the end of her grandfather's life, and that ideally her grandmother wanted to be alone with her grandfather at the end (to be honest, I wonder if that's even true, she's never told me that before). She said she was upset with me and didn't want to speak to me until after the funeral. Of course I'm so sorry to have upset her, especially with what she's going through, I feel so awful, and I did apologise, but I just think how her family treated her grandfather at the end of his life was really wrong, especially as my grandfather was so supported by us all, and I felt it was important to say that. Also I think it's a bit unfair she's said she doesn't want to talk to me for a few weeks, because I think we should be supporting each other as we've both just been through the same thing.
Please be honest, I can take it!
Thank you.
I want to start by saying that I acknowledge you lost your grandfather recently too, that I'm very sorry for your loss and I think that maybe your own grief is playing a part in this. I have to say that my first reaction to reading this was to TOTALLY understand your friend's point of view here and think you were being very unfair and inappropriate, and wondering how the way your friend's family chooses to respond to their situation is your business, but I think the reason this seems to matter to you so much is that you're grieving yourself. I think sometimes when we're in grief - and when we're Autistic - we can get a bit of tunnel vision, and think that our way is the only way. As others have said, though, grief and coping with loss isn't like that. Every person deals with it differently, let alone every family.
Regardless, I think you know you've messed up a bit here. None of us are perfect though, especially when emotions are high. Chalk this up to experience and give your friend space to grieve, to be really honest, I don't think she even needs your apologies right now, because she might be more distressed if you keep pressing the issue when she's said she doesn't want to talk, or she might feel pressured to make you feel better - either way it really wouldn't be fair on her. Respect her wish that you leave her be until after the funeral, then, depending if you know when the funeral is or not, maybe reach out to her afterwards, saying you're really sorry and that you know you made mistakes here, and you'll make it up to her somehow (by that I mean by really trying to put yourself in her shoes and be compassionate from now on). There's a very powerful poem about communicating with people who are grieving, and there's a line in it: 'you are here to listen, not sing'. Maybe remember that in the future when you're dealing with similar situations. Take care and once again, I'm sorry for your loss.
I think this is great advice from Giraffe. And the line from the poem is wonderful and relevant to many sensitive situations we might find ourselves in when we need to be present for other people when they are struggling. Who is the poem by? I’d like to read the whole poem.