Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone!
The last few weeks have been abysmal! My mental health is down the toilet and I'm struggling. I'm 36yrs old and don't even know if I belong here, I haven't been assessed or had a diagnosis, but I have always known that I never fit in anywhere.
I do/feel the following....
- I don't go to the toilet straight away, often forgetting till bursting point.
- I can go hours without eating or drinking, I don't feel the urge to.
- I can't bare touching certain things and can't stand the thought of physical contact.
- I have 3 people in my life that I talk to, all I have known for the majority of my life.
- I make lists and I love routine. Plans need to be rigid and I won't do anything before that time.
- I suffer with depression,anxiety, stress and fibromyalgia.
- I pick at my skin when I get stressed.
- I cry when I feel overwhelmed and it often ends in anger.
- when I'm at my lowest, I can go days without talking to anyone.
- I can sleep for England and have days where I barely sleep due to nightmares.
- Music I listen to loudly, in a car or on headphones. Classical music instantly increases my anger, to the point of ripping a radio to pieces to stop it.
- I often have explosive angry meltdowns.
- i sprnd days overthinking things that have happened.
- Ive spent most of my life confused by people in general, I just can't understand them and now only believe that 95% of people are villains and are up to something.
- I hyperfocus on hobbies and then bounce from hobby to hobby.
This is just a few things I go through, I'm not sure I fall into the autism field, I've been studying for months and I've never fit in anywhere.
I've worked at my current job for 5months and I've spent the last 3weeks having meltdowns and going into silent shutdowns. I really hate my job, mainly because of one person who I feel is quite aggressive and doesn't in mental health. I'm currently on week two of being off sick and the thought of going back makes me sick and fills me with dread, so I've put a claim I'm with UC and I'm waiting to get my pip claim form.
I'm currently working with a therapist and told them of my desire to be assessed, which hopefully will happen. I spoke briefly to my GP about it and I'm booked in on the next available appointment in 3 weeks time!
I don't know if I belong here, but I'm struggling and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe!
I hope someone can help shed light on how I feel and live daily!
I have ever struggled with autism because of the family violence. It was a mental violence. I could not make new friends or chat with friends anymore. I always want to stay alone. I even felt that hiding in a small closet or sitting under the table all day made me calm and safe. However, I found ways to treat myself. I try painting pictures, playing games like [link removed, potential spam] and singing and dancing every day. These activities helped me more positive and energetic. I gradually left the cage that I created and started to make new friends. However, until now, painful memories have still obsessed me every night. It is difficult for me to forget them.