Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone!
The last few weeks have been abysmal! My mental health is down the toilet and I'm struggling. I'm 36yrs old and don't even know if I belong here, I haven't been assessed or had a diagnosis, but I have always known that I never fit in anywhere.
I do/feel the following....
- I don't go to the toilet straight away, often forgetting till bursting point.
- I can go hours without eating or drinking, I don't feel the urge to.
- I can't bare touching certain things and can't stand the thought of physical contact.
- I have 3 people in my life that I talk to, all I have known for the majority of my life.
- I make lists and I love routine. Plans need to be rigid and I won't do anything before that time.
- I suffer with depression,anxiety, stress and fibromyalgia.
- I pick at my skin when I get stressed.
- I cry when I feel overwhelmed and it often ends in anger.
- when I'm at my lowest, I can go days without talking to anyone.
- I can sleep for England and have days where I barely sleep due to nightmares.
- Music I listen to loudly, in a car or on headphones. Classical music instantly increases my anger, to the point of ripping a radio to pieces to stop it.
- I often have explosive angry meltdowns.
- i sprnd days overthinking things that have happened.
- Ive spent most of my life confused by people in general, I just can't understand them and now only believe that 95% of people are villains and are up to something.
- I hyperfocus on hobbies and then bounce from hobby to hobby.
This is just a few things I go through, I'm not sure I fall into the autism field, I've been studying for months and I've never fit in anywhere.
I've worked at my current job for 5months and I've spent the last 3weeks having meltdowns and going into silent shutdowns. I really hate my job, mainly because of one person who I feel is quite aggressive and doesn't in mental health. I'm currently on week two of being off sick and the thought of going back makes me sick and fills me with dread, so I've put a claim I'm with UC and I'm waiting to get my pip claim form.
I'm currently working with a therapist and told them of my desire to be assessed, which hopefully will happen. I spoke briefly to my GP about it and I'm booked in on the next available appointment in 3 weeks time!
I don't know if I belong here, but I'm struggling and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe!
I hope someone can help shed light on how I feel and live daily!
It sounds like you may be Autistic. Have you filled out the AQ50 online? If you do, perhaps you could share the results with your GP when you have that appointment.
I wouldn’t worry about not having a diagnosis here. I used the forum when I suspected my daughter was autistic and then years later when I was self diagnosed. I felt welcome. Lots of us have been there, and we all understand how it feels to be us.
Yes, on here everyone is welcome- I joined when it was first raised that I could be autistic a year ago- initially I was very unsure and confused- It made so much sense that I was autistic but I also struggled a lot with impostor syndrome and I worried initially that I shouldn't be on these forums as maybe I wasn't autistic. But I felt very welcome here and everyone is welcome. I was actually diagnosed a few months ago. I can relate to several of the traits on your list. I think taking the test scores to the GP is a good idea :) I hope the appointment goes well. Regarding your job, it sounds like it might be burning you out- I hope you can get some rest while you are off work- be kind to yourself. It really helped me to find out that I am autistic- it is helping me to learn more about myself and I think that will help tackle some of my issues (like anxiety- I can relate to feeling like you can't breathe... ). Good luck with the appointment and I hope to see you around more on this forum!