Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone!
The last few weeks have been abysmal! My mental health is down the toilet and I'm struggling. I'm 36yrs old and don't even know if I belong here, I haven't been assessed or had a diagnosis, but I have always known that I never fit in anywhere.
I do/feel the following....
- I don't go to the toilet straight away, often forgetting till bursting point.
- I can go hours without eating or drinking, I don't feel the urge to.
- I can't bare touching certain things and can't stand the thought of physical contact.
- I have 3 people in my life that I talk to, all I have known for the majority of my life.
- I make lists and I love routine. Plans need to be rigid and I won't do anything before that time.
- I suffer with depression,anxiety, stress and fibromyalgia.
- I pick at my skin when I get stressed.
- I cry when I feel overwhelmed and it often ends in anger.
- when I'm at my lowest, I can go days without talking to anyone.
- I can sleep for England and have days where I barely sleep due to nightmares.
- Music I listen to loudly, in a car or on headphones. Classical music instantly increases my anger, to the point of ripping a radio to pieces to stop it.
- I often have explosive angry meltdowns.
- i sprnd days overthinking things that have happened.
- Ive spent most of my life confused by people in general, I just can't understand them and now only believe that 95% of people are villains and are up to something.
- I hyperfocus on hobbies and then bounce from hobby to hobby.
This is just a few things I go through, I'm not sure I fall into the autism field, I've been studying for months and I've never fit in anywhere.
I've worked at my current job for 5months and I've spent the last 3weeks having meltdowns and going into silent shutdowns. I really hate my job, mainly because of one person who I feel is quite aggressive and doesn't in mental health. I'm currently on week two of being off sick and the thought of going back makes me sick and fills me with dread, so I've put a claim I'm with UC and I'm waiting to get my pip claim form.
I'm currently working with a therapist and told them of my desire to be assessed, which hopefully will happen. I spoke briefly to my GP about it and I'm booked in on the next available appointment in 3 weeks time!
I don't know if I belong here, but I'm struggling and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe!
I hope someone can help shed light on how I feel and live daily!
Hi. I only recently found out about my autism. I related to nearly all of your list of issues. So I'd say you fit in here well. You describe each one so well that your list will be helpful to get you diagnosed and supported when you get formally assessed. You sound very self-aware in a good way, even though people with autism can obsess over things. I do that.
Also, it sounds like work is very damaging to your mental health. I experienced that and it still feels like I have PTSD from the distress I felt even years later. I'm glad you're going for PIP, they do include "mental health issues" which stop people from being able to function or deal with people on a daily basis. Autism can disrupt and damage daily living skills, as can physical problems like fibromyalgia which causes pain all over and fatigue. I have fibromyalgia too, and other rheumatology problems plus depression and anxiety.
I'm not an expert and I only recently learned I'm autistic so my "advice" is just my experience. I try to learn more about autism (this forum helps), not over-analyse every single thought or action, accept and understand my autistic thoughts and behaviours, make sure I have (completely) quiet time when I need it, and just get through the day as best I can to keep myself well mentally and physically.
I hope something I said in this long comment helps you. Take care.
Great to read it. Thanks for your sharing
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