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Possibly an imposter?

Inactive account
over 1 year ago

Aged 60 without a diagnosis, but have always struggled to fit in, etc.. Recently retired earlier than I really wanted to as I couldn't adjust to constant changes to working environment.

Had an assessment for autism some years ago, but no positive diagnosis. Personally I think the jury is still out.

I know that I have constructed the person that I appear to be to others. So, for example, I make a positive effort to make eye contact in interview situations because I know it's "odd" not to. I've learned to make people laugh with my "odd" observational humour, so that, even if I'm not exactly accepted, at least I may be appreciated for that and not rejected outright. But for all my attempts to fit in, to me this all just highlights the difference to me. It feels fundamentally false: an elaborate lie, a constructed personality which allows me to simulate relationships. It's not really clear to me that I am a person that others can relate to in the conventional sense. It's obvious enough that people don't get out of me what they expect and my attempts to provide it cost me a lot. I and they get very little if anything lasting out of the exchange

On very rare occasions, a more genuine relationship may develop, but mostly I don't want that. My wife and child seem to "get" me most of the time and know that I need to be left alone a lot. I wouldn't be without them, but I think they know that I get on better with animals really!

I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me without the routine of work. I relied a lot on that despite the problems of work relationships. Things aren't looking too good several months into retirement.

Parents
  • over 1 year ago

    The longer that a person on the autistic spectrum is exposed to the neurotypical world unsupported, the longer we have to compensate, camouflage and mask our differences. 

    Without a neurological timeline, it can be hard to draw a conclusion on whether a regression has caused autistic traits to develop, or whether one has had a neurological difference from birth. 

    However it does not mean that you do not have autistic traits; you can complete and Autism Quotient Test (AQ), a Empathy Quotient Test (EQ), and a Systemising Quotient Test (SQ); online to figure out where you stand.  
    I had an EQ of 28, an AQ of 32, and a slightly higher SQ (which I cannot remember); the result was that I was masterful at masking my decisively autistic behaviours, and it took until 28 to get a diagnosis.

    As far as eye contact goes, I am passable at it, on examination a professional pointed out that, I break eye contact every time I reach ‘flow’ in my digressions. But as I have masked for so long, I have reached a level of faux-social competency, that my autistic traits are hard to detect. Also I tend to get along with well with the neurodivergent, in the old days a lot of these people would have been referred to a ‘remedial’ in education.

    A lot of autistic individuals can have: pedantic speech, an all-or-nothing attitude, can be exploited a-lot, can take things literally, and learn better through exposure to our interests.
    We can have a social impairment that makes social conversation very hard to navigate; small talk, jokes, laisse-faire instruction; we can have drastically less patience in situations were there are loud sensory influences.   
    We can respond badly to change and to office politics. We can have a hard time in large groups. We can have alexithymia; a lack of ability to convey emotions we feel or see. We can buy the same items in bulk and wear the same clothing.

    I’m trying to dump as much lore as possible, and this is all that come to mind at the moment, I hope this helps.

    I had a diagnosis two weeks ago, and I have to say that I felt like an imposter too, it is hard to feel that you are neither-here-nor-there.
    But the reality is that just because the neurological timeline was not complete for the screening, does not mean that you don’t have autistic traits.
    All conditions are a compilation of symptoms, if you experience some of the difficulties I’ve/we’ve laid out, then you have a place here because we wrestle with these issues all the time.

Reply
  • over 1 year ago

    The longer that a person on the autistic spectrum is exposed to the neurotypical world unsupported, the longer we have to compensate, camouflage and mask our differences. 

    Without a neurological timeline, it can be hard to draw a conclusion on whether a regression has caused autistic traits to develop, or whether one has had a neurological difference from birth. 

    However it does not mean that you do not have autistic traits; you can complete and Autism Quotient Test (AQ), a Empathy Quotient Test (EQ), and a Systemising Quotient Test (SQ); online to figure out where you stand.  
    I had an EQ of 28, an AQ of 32, and a slightly higher SQ (which I cannot remember); the result was that I was masterful at masking my decisively autistic behaviours, and it took until 28 to get a diagnosis.

    As far as eye contact goes, I am passable at it, on examination a professional pointed out that, I break eye contact every time I reach ‘flow’ in my digressions. But as I have masked for so long, I have reached a level of faux-social competency, that my autistic traits are hard to detect. Also I tend to get along with well with the neurodivergent, in the old days a lot of these people would have been referred to a ‘remedial’ in education.

    A lot of autistic individuals can have: pedantic speech, an all-or-nothing attitude, can be exploited a-lot, can take things literally, and learn better through exposure to our interests.
    We can have a social impairment that makes social conversation very hard to navigate; small talk, jokes, laisse-faire instruction; we can have drastically less patience in situations were there are loud sensory influences.   
    We can respond badly to change and to office politics. We can have a hard time in large groups. We can have alexithymia; a lack of ability to convey emotions we feel or see. We can buy the same items in bulk and wear the same clothing.

    I’m trying to dump as much lore as possible, and this is all that come to mind at the moment, I hope this helps.

    I had a diagnosis two weeks ago, and I have to say that I felt like an imposter too, it is hard to feel that you are neither-here-nor-there.
    But the reality is that just because the neurological timeline was not complete for the screening, does not mean that you don’t have autistic traits.
    All conditions are a compilation of symptoms, if you experience some of the difficulties I’ve/we’ve laid out, then you have a place here because we wrestle with these issues all the time.

Children