Published on 12, July, 2020
Aged 60 without a diagnosis, but have always struggled to fit in, etc.. Recently retired earlier than I really wanted to as I couldn't adjust to constant changes to working environment.
Had an assessment for autism some years ago, but no positive diagnosis. Personally I think the jury is still out.
I know that I have constructed the person that I appear to be to others. So, for example, I make a positive effort to make eye contact in interview situations because I know it's "odd" not to. I've learned to make people laugh with my "odd" observational humour, so that, even if I'm not exactly accepted, at least I may be appreciated for that and not rejected outright. But for all my attempts to fit in, to me this all just highlights the difference to me. It feels fundamentally false: an elaborate lie, a constructed personality which allows me to simulate relationships. It's not really clear to me that I am a person that others can relate to in the conventional sense. It's obvious enough that people don't get out of me what they expect and my attempts to provide it cost me a lot. I and they get very little if anything lasting out of the exchange
On very rare occasions, a more genuine relationship may develop, but mostly I don't want that. My wife and child seem to "get" me most of the time and know that I need to be left alone a lot. I wouldn't be without them, but I think they know that I get on better with animals really!I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me without the routine of work. I relied a lot on that despite the problems of work relationships. Things aren't looking too good several months into retirement.
Hello mirror....opps....I mean Ian.
You sound very dangerously like me. Accordingly, I am hardly surprised that retirement is not proving the best arrangement for you. I will never retire, but then again, I'm not really sure that you could call my work a job either - its just me being me.
I know that the following advice sounds ridiculously "standard", but in your case, I think it may be right on the money = get out of your house and do stuff. Get a routine of activity going again. Give yourself other things to think about and to talk about.
Dog walking. It will fill your time and conceivably raise you a few quid into the bargain if you were to choose to do it commercially (not something I would necessarily suggest) - but volunteer dog walking is a glorious thing to keep you busy in the company of sentience that will never burden you like bloody humans do. Find your local dog shelter or pound and volunteer your services.
Simialrly, helping on a farm or at stables.....horses, cows, pigs (pigs are b**stards by the way)....is another rewarding way to keep yourself busy. These days, such places are screaming out for all the help they can get.
I assume that neither of these suggested activities are akin to what your work was, but that is part of the beauty of retirement - you can reinvent yourself as something else - to keep yourself sane.
Animals are your key, chap. They will save the day and save your bacon. Don't languish and stare at your navel whilst loosing yourself in the deep mire of your own mind. Keep active at all costs - both mentally and physically. Wives and children can get you, until they don't....never take them nor your own mental health for granted.
Forgive this rather bullish response - not my usual modus operandi - but for some inexplicable reason, I believe it to be appropriate in this instance. You really do sound a lot like me (you poor old soul.) And for the avoidance of doubt, I do like pigs, but their similarity to humans make them one of my least favourite beasts.
From what you have written above, a diagnosis isn't really what you are longing for - but you fear being an "imposter" in this place. Do not worry yourself over such matters. You are very welcome here. You sound perfectly autistic enough to me - based on your writings above - and who are we to judge anyway. A very significant minority, if not majority of people on these pages, suffer from imposter syndrome, so you are in very good company here.
If I have entirely missed the mark above, I ask for your forgiveness. I intend only good things to flow from the above and apologise if it is all a little "too much in your face." I note below that you wrote to Shardovan that "I've not succeeded terribly well", but I must take issue with that. You are 60, you have retired, you have survived - bravo. Now just keep going !
Very best wishes from an uncharacteristically rambunctious, Number - and I hope you choose to stick around to see if we are "your type of people." I think we will be.
Thanks for that. A lot of good advice and well intentioned. Some of that is on the cards already. I have done some volunteering. More on the cards possibly. I'm going to try volunteering as an user in a local theatre. In some ways that isn't an obvious fit for me, but I think I'll cope OK with the sort of interactions I'll be faced with there, I hope. Dog walking is also something I'd considered - got as far as getting the application form for a charity. Also planning on getting back in the gym which might help give a bit of structure to some days.I'm really not bothered about the diagnosis really. Things are extremely complicated and in the end I just am who I am, regardless of labels people might attach to me (or not).