Published on 12, July, 2020
Aged 60 without a diagnosis, but have always struggled to fit in, etc.. Recently retired earlier than I really wanted to as I couldn't adjust to constant changes to working environment.
Had an assessment for autism some years ago, but no positive diagnosis. Personally I think the jury is still out.
I know that I have constructed the person that I appear to be to others. So, for example, I make a positive effort to make eye contact in interview situations because I know it's "odd" not to. I've learned to make people laugh with my "odd" observational humour, so that, even if I'm not exactly accepted, at least I may be appreciated for that and not rejected outright. But for all my attempts to fit in, to me this all just highlights the difference to me. It feels fundamentally false: an elaborate lie, a constructed personality which allows me to simulate relationships. It's not really clear to me that I am a person that others can relate to in the conventional sense. It's obvious enough that people don't get out of me what they expect and my attempts to provide it cost me a lot. I and they get very little if anything lasting out of the exchange
On very rare occasions, a more genuine relationship may develop, but mostly I don't want that. My wife and child seem to "get" me most of the time and know that I need to be left alone a lot. I wouldn't be without them, but I think they know that I get on better with animals really!I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me without the routine of work. I relied a lot on that despite the problems of work relationships. Things aren't looking too good several months into retirement.
Some of the assessment stories I’ve heard on here have been appalling. Even very recent ones. ‘You can’t be autistic because you have a friend and you looked me in the eye there. Next!’ So you’re right to mistrust the inconclusive verdict.
I don't really have a problem with the verdict personally. I can accept that, at this remove, it may simply be impossible to make the diagnosis. They can't turn the clock back and observe me as a 4 year old, and I can't now give them the evidence of how I was then as I don't know that myself. There isn't an awful lot to go on and there are factors in my early development which may point to other causes (or not). I had problems early on, but there was no help in those days. Meltdowns were punished, so you have to work it out for yourself and eventually find your way in the world of others. I've not succeeded terribly well, but that's hardly surprising in the circumstances.