a long 5 year wait during which…

hello there everyone!

yes it’s been a long five year wait from the GP to final diagnosis. Was actually a bit of a surprise when they ring and said - here’s the forms and interviews in 2 weeks. With the final diagnosis being delivered in November 30th and the report Jan 9th.

(tldr - wife in denial and relationship decayed waiting for diagnosis, due to autistic behaviour).

but I’m the intervening years I’ve not investigated Autism that much because I thought I was coping ok, but had a nagging feeling things were just not quite as easy for me as everyone else and the official online tests said I certainly wasn’t normal so see your GP. I checked the tests 6 times (which would probably mark me down as an Aspie anyway!)

So I’ve lost 5 years of hopefully better improvement which may sound terribly negative because:

1. My counsellor- turns out has zero autism knowledge- so no wonder I’ve struggled with the NT stuff. I’ve already changed to a new counsellor who is autism aware

2. my Dad died in 2017, he would have been helpful as a sounding board and was a rock / reference point.

3. The relationship with my wife has degenerated to the point that she is leaving any week now because my behaviour has become more and more difficult for her to cope with over the most recent six months. This is however reflecting back of her behaviour.

4. by difficult autistic behaviour - it’s the wanting clarity from confusion in conversation and information and trying to get the facts right and get understanding. My tone of voice escalation is poor and clumsy and can be firm - I’m getting better at the phrasing and awareness. I am socially inflexible.

5. The facts help reduce confusion, unknowing and bring stability and reassurance. Since 2017 I’ve not really had an anchor - and my wife struggled with my grief and didn’t turn up - she is apparently “anxious avoidant” in her attachment theory profile

6. she’s become more and more vague, inefficient, procrastinating, memory loss and inability to concentrate and more irrational and anxiety laden. ADHD comes to mind. Especially since June 2022. These are traits which to a non diagnosed ND triggers a lot of stress- literally the opposite of the clarity I need. Very stressful.

7. It turns out she’s been on HRT since nov2021 but had no review - so the oestrogen dip after starting HRT was never reviewed

8. the day before my diagnosis she applied to rent a different house and the agents go for a credit check

9. the credit check told me by mistake as we run our own business and they asked me as MD for a salary confirmation- but needed to talk to accountant- I find out about the rental by error

10. Ask her and she says she’s just looking. That night on a hunch I ask about last HRT review, she says none of my business but no, not had any. I implore her to see the Dr ASAP and talk to the women who know in her group what to do and check dose. Advice is double to 4/pumps and see doctor.

11. She is completely unaware of her loss of executive functioning- which leaves her anxious and irrational, and highly stressed. This makes her more withdrawn and non-communicative. I speed read five books on menopause and peri-menopause - this is all typical symptoms and highly related in the books (thanks Davina).

11.1 skin and misdiagnosed acne problem and testosterone levels indicate actually been in peri-menopause since late 2016. Holiday photos show it clearly. So 2016 to 2021 with no HRT help or official diagnosis. 5 years.

11.2 it’s therefore no surprise that her undiagnosed peri-menopause and my undiagnosed Autism are a perfect storm pushing each other in opposite directions.

12. Doctor says stress is understandable due to my diagnosis so only use 3 but four if you need to. As far as I know she doesn’t communicate anything about loss of executive functioning. We’re making it up.(I would have sacked anyone else by now for poor performance).

13. She rents the house immediately it’s passed credit checks but then spends the most of December clandestinely putting stuff in.

14. She reduces to 3/pumps HRT, the four for a week had an immediate impact over three days, but after she returned to 3/ she becomes “flatter”.

15. After Christmas on progesterone point of cycle she experimented with a few days of 4/pumps to help with a bloodshot eye she gets for the past three years - sore eye goes in a day - magic.

16. Side effect of 4/pumps - we have three days of laughter, fun, good executive functioning, solid organisation, good conversations even if strained because they’re about her rental and my autism - but good progress. Even kids notice and tell me

16.1 I give her the feedback that 4pumps is a noticeable positive difference in behaviour and ask her to contemplate the difference between taking just too little, and the risks of just too much ie 4pumps. She returns to 3 pumps.

17. she decides to continue with and goes on a mountain walking holiday she booked last year (without telling me until November). this gives us a week off, which actually works out really well with me and the kids.

18. Whilst she’s away I discovered that she’s been subscribed to about 10 blogs/subscription/Facebook pages and groups for victims of narcissistic domestic abuse. This I find shocking, and deeply worrying. I effectively - whilst she’s been becoming more and more vulnerable from her peri-menopause and anxiety- she’s been getting two to three very persuasive emails and messages *a day* for the *past seven years* - telling her to leave and cut all ties ASAP. Like a poisonous whisper in her ear - for seven years, and as far as I can tell perpetuated by her best friend 

18.1 best friend only befriended her as parent from school in 2016 and “project” her ie taught my wife makeup, earrings, hair, makeup, fashion, dresses etc. My wife was indeed a tomboy, straightforwards, engineering graduate, outdoors pursuits and army with values kind of person until that point and not swayed by popularity. My wife is flattered by the interest. Best friend is very anti-masculine agenda (if I described her husband you’d understand). 

19. This in itself is probably enough to cause enough stress in a household on its own, without an autism diagnosis and literally needs for the opposite behaviours for support than each can provide to each other.

20. I’ve spent December and January sharing as much as I can, books, articles, my full evidence and diagnosis, readings info, what my coach has suggested (or slow down, seek clarity, get confirmation and agreement). Tony Attwood is hard work but worth it.

21. I find my wife has been posting on another autism support forum literally the polar opposite of what I’ve been sharing and doing saying I’ve not done anything to inform her.

22. I check in on the narcissistic accusations- very gently - she says that’s a misunderstanding and goes off into a vague generalities 

23. she posts on the other support forum about me “lying and gaslighting”, accusing me of manipulating the autism diagnosis, discounting the clinical process, the process, lying to her and to the clinician and how confused and conscious this all is in my part and thinks she finds the diagnosis laughable 

24. her posts get a load of support. One poster gently challenges her but they all settle on the fact that autistic people can also behave badly and agree based on her posts that she’s suffering terribly 

25. So here’s the dilemma we’re now in

shes in denial of her peri-menopause symptoms anxiety and vulnerability and has been brainwashed by her “best friend” and Internet that I’m a narcissistic abuser, and simultaneously she is denying my autism diagnosis and saying I’m just using it as a label to excuse my behaviour and I have no remorse for upsetting her with my behaviour - which is patently untrue.

if she accepts my diagnosis she has to deny her best friend - this is the dilemma, and she can’t emotionally afford to do that, yet who in the nicest possible terms she’s in a one sided relationship with. She is therefore conflicted. In a chat with another user she’s said her friend tells her not to be so trustworthy and she should be more aggressive and distrustful. She has been brainwashed from me.

I know the truth of “you can’t rationalise with an irrational person”, so I’m 

a)sticking to the facts, 

b) sharing all the information I have with her 

c) keeping calm and slow to try to get understanding but not pushing for truth and answers if she’s being vague or indeed lying to me

d)my diagnosis and the Aspergers coping techniques I’ve leaned are already helping to stop me from having a meltdown (although I can still count my total ever on two hands).

e)I’m definitely doing all the running, exercise, self soothing and mental relaxation, meditation and journaling I can find the time to do (that’s all the time at the moment!!!)

so - very pleased to be diagnosed and learning how to cope ASAP which if nothing else will help me to cope with the oncoming storm of stress when my wife moves out (under false pretences really).

anyone got any tips on the following:

1. Aspergers needs during separation (my hunch is my 12yr old is also Aspergers, so advice for me on soothing her please).

2. Handy self soothing techniques that worked for you in a stressful time ?

3. Not telling your wife you can read and see all the posts she’s making online and how to avoid confrontation over it (because frankly it’s the only reach I have to her inconsistent behaviour and discussions)

4. surprisingly she’s agreed to come on the local NHS course on learning about autism for four sessions from tomorrow with me. I guess she’ll discover another reason to dispute my diagnosis!

5. This is not about trying to change her perspective or opinions of me - because I’m beyond that, but it does show that the five year delay in diagnosis has had a real impact on us being able to learn, and to manage and heal our relationship.

6. My mum was an undiagnosed autist and didn’t take HRT. She took herself aged 55. My wife is 49. That bits seriously worrying but at least my wife is taking *some* HRT.

so - any advice on how I can manage myself as an Aspergers autist through breakup with two kids would be fantastic and thanks for the diagnosis!

(Pe well done on reading to the bottom)