Mum of a 19 year old girl who has autism

Reading this post makes me sad. It also reminds me of my mum and I. We were extremely close all my life and she helped me a lot to manage growing up but around when I was 20, our relationship really suffered- I was struggling and my mum was trying to help but couldn’t because as you get older the problems become less easy to fix. I felt resentful and let down at times which I know was so unfair. Then I ended up inpatient eventually due to mental health issues and they realised I was extremely reliant on my mum for many things, texting and calling her multiple times a day to get advice for simple decisions or even just to connect. It was suggested this was not healthy (and in a way they were right, I did need to learn to stand more on my own feet and it wasn’t fair to burden mum so much) but in a way my mum got demonised. I started feeling resentful that she helped me so much growing up- the suggestion was she didn’t let me become independent. Was she overprotective? Etc. (My stepfather poured fuel into fire)  Before this I said some very mean things to her. After this whole thing, we didn’t talk for almost a year. I had to live at home for a few weeks but would barely be in same room, then I was off. It still makes me sad. I think partly that anger towards my mum helped me try to be more independent but I am now sure that mum was not overprotective when i was growing up- I didn’t know I was autistic at the time and I just needed a lot of support with day to day things and also in other ways. 
Over a year later we started talking again- it started with a letter from mum to me. Slowly slowly we grew closer again. I thought initially we would grow together again in a more adult relationship - not sure if that is the case but we are extremely close again. I feel really sad about all the things I said to her and the stress I caused her and the lost time- we have talked a lot about it. Am I more independent now? Not sure but at least we found together again (and i do think in some ways i have grown up a little) I hope it was appropriate to share this.

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. And first of all I want to say, you are right to also protect yourself and I understand that you no longer want to accept this hurtful behaviour- being autistic is not an excuse. It’s very possible she is struggling at the moment and I suspect all this anger and hurtfulness directed at you could result in part from that. Not sure if this is case but sometimes it can be hard to become independent from parents and being angry at them is part of the process of leaving the nest. 

It’s very possible in her views her childhood (or parts of it was ´bad’. I can just talk from my own experience but eventhough I grew up with a loving mum and when an outsider would judge my childhood they would probably say it was a protected and good one, I have some very negative memories too- the years I did not fit in at school, school in general, being an outsider, no friends at secondary school etc- I think my mum didn’t see at the time how much I was struggling- so to her aspects of it might have felt much worse than what you could see. 

I understand that you are worried- do you know if she is safe? 
It’s very hard but try not to take her comments personally. Hopefully with time you will grow back together.

I am not sure if any of this was helpful and I’m sorry if I related it too much to my own experiences- I don’t know you or your daughter so it might not apply. I hope you will find a way forward

Reading this post makes me sad. It also reminds me of my mum and I. We were extremely close all my life and she helped me a lot to manage growing up but around when I was 20, our relationship really suffered- I was struggling and my mum was trying to help but couldn’t because as you get older the problems become less easy to fix. I felt resentful and let down at times which I know was so unfair. Then I ended up inpatient eventually due to mental health issues and they realised I was extremely reliant on my mum for many things, texting and calling her multiple times a day to get advice for simple decisions or even just to connect. It was suggested this was not healthy (and in a way they were right, I did need to learn to stand more on my own feet and it wasn’t fair to burden mum so much) but in a way my mum got demonised. I started feeling resentful that she helped me so much growing up- the suggestion was she didn’t let me become independent. Was she overprotective? Etc. (My stepfather poured fuel into fire)  Before this I said some very mean things to her. After this whole thing, we didn’t talk for almost a year. I had to live at home for a few weeks but would barely be in same room, then I was off. It still makes me sad. I think partly that anger towards my mum helped me try to be more independent but I am now sure that mum was not overprotective when i was growing up- I didn’t know I was autistic at the time and I just needed a lot of support with day to day things and also in other ways. 
Over a year later we started talking again- it started with a letter from mum to me. Slowly slowly we grew closer again. I thought initially we would grow together again in a more adult relationship - not sure if that is the case but we are extremely close again. I feel really sad about all the things I said to her and the stress I caused her and the lost time- we have talked a lot about it. Am I more independent now? Not sure but at least we found together again (and i do think in some ways i have grown up a little) I hope it was appropriate to share this.

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. And first of all I want to say, you are right to also protect yourself and I understand that you no longer want to accept this hurtful behaviour- being autistic is not an excuse. It’s very possible she is struggling at the moment and I suspect all this anger and hurtfulness directed at you could result in part from that. Not sure if this is case but sometimes it can be hard to become independent from parents and being angry at them is part of the process of leaving the nest. 

It’s very possible in her views her childhood (or parts of it was ´bad’. I can just talk from my own experience but eventhough I grew up with a loving mum and when an outsider would judge my childhood they would probably say it was a protected and good one, I have some very negative memories too- the years I did not fit in at school, school in general, being an outsider, no friends at secondary school etc- I think my mum didn’t see at the time how much I was struggling- so to her aspects of it might have felt much worse than what you could see. 

I understand that you are worried- do you know if she is safe? 
It’s very hard but try not to take her comments personally. Hopefully with time you will grow back together.

I am not sure if any of this was helpful and I’m sorry if I related it too much to my own experiences- I don’t know you or your daughter so it might not apply. I hope you will find a way forward

Thanks for the reply,it was very helpful,maybe it's her way of saying she needs to find herself and start living alone, luckily my other daughter found her location on an app so I know where she is,I just think it would be helpful for her to have some extra support and maybe some sort of relaxed supported housing, I think maybe she sees things that were bad ,which weren't but I do wonder if maybe it's not fully autism as there's been mention of possible BPD aswell,it's just they won't look into it until she's older which isn't helpful,I've just been taking her to counselling and GP but nothing seem to be working ,so maybe because she's struggling and stressed she's taking it on everyone close to her