Published on 12, July, 2020
I was only diagnosed last week and since then I've told my family, none of whom knew I was being assessed. There was an initial mixed reaction but I've since been able to allay any concerns and misconceptions (particularly amongst my grandparents who thought I was joking) and they've all now accepted it.
However, at work, it's proving more difficult. I decided to tell my manager and their boss (they work quite closely). In both cases, they both said "based on your interactions with us we would never have suspected, but if the doctors say it's that then it must be". I might be reading into it wrong, but it seemed like they didn't want to believe it. My line manager also said that I interact well (though I know it's due to masking!) so they told me to "continue whatever I'm doing to cope". I tried to explain that I have masked my autism a lot up to now but my manager seemed to take that comment the wrong way and it felt like I'd been deceitful and purposefully hiding something from them. I tried to explain some of my traits to help them understand, such as scripting conversations but that didn't quite get the message across as my manager said he "prepares a few bullet points before meetings" and that "in 5 years time when you have more confidence, you might not need to write everything out". My manager might be right - but I've done this for 22 years, I can't see it suddenly stopping once I reach this moment of "confidence" that everyone seems to expect will suddenly happen to me.
I might be being overly sensitive but the comments that I got at work on this have made me really question what I should do next. My work environment was the key reason why I pursued a diagnosis because it was draining me. But the guilt I feel now at trying to ask for any changes, especially as the diagnosis has taken 12 months to get, within which time I suppose I could have said something to work - it just leaves me in a tricky situation.
Am I being silly with the comments I received or is this expected? I personally am so happy to finally have answers to a lot of things, but the perception of others and as I try to 'unlearn' the things I have masked just seems impossible, even though I know I need to do it to stand any chance of having energy left at the end of the day (something which has been significantly lacking over the last week since my diagnosis!!).
Any advice or 'unmasking' experiences would be really, really appreciated. Thanks everyone.
Hi, I've just joined but would like to let you know that I've been told many times (about 75%) 'I would never have known that you were autistic.' I find it frustrating, because I've been trying to embrace my autism and view it in a positive light, so it's not helpful to be feel that I'm not necessarily believed. But I also realise that most of the people who react that way mean well and think they are being kind - this may be the case with your employers. They may not want you to lose confidence in yourself - but maybe they don't realise that autism can be viewed as a positive thing, at least in many regards. But you probably just want to not continue being drained and burn out, I really get that!!!!I think some of us are 'invisibly autistic' and that's a tricky place to be. All I can say is that you're on the right track being choosy about when to 'unmask'. I'm trying to find a succinct way to explain what it means and why it's not so obvious. But I'm truly sorry to say to you that you probably won't get the understanding you seek from everyone - if you can learn to live with that it will help you get on with things in a realistic way. If your family are getting on board with it, that will be a terrific start.The biggest thing for me is the fatigue that comes with all the masking, which I have been doing unintentionally but instinctively all my life. So do your best to manage that - give work a chance but if it continues to be draining and you don't get the support you need, perhaps you could think about finding a more supportive workplace in time. But don't do anything impulsive! It does sound like your employers admire you based on some of the things you said, so give it time and who knows, maybe they'll learn.