Published on 12, July, 2020
I was only diagnosed last week and since then I've told my family, none of whom knew I was being assessed. There was an initial mixed reaction but I've since been able to allay any concerns and misconceptions (particularly amongst my grandparents who thought I was joking) and they've all now accepted it.
However, at work, it's proving more difficult. I decided to tell my manager and their boss (they work quite closely). In both cases, they both said "based on your interactions with us we would never have suspected, but if the doctors say it's that then it must be". I might be reading into it wrong, but it seemed like they didn't want to believe it. My line manager also said that I interact well (though I know it's due to masking!) so they told me to "continue whatever I'm doing to cope". I tried to explain that I have masked my autism a lot up to now but my manager seemed to take that comment the wrong way and it felt like I'd been deceitful and purposefully hiding something from them. I tried to explain some of my traits to help them understand, such as scripting conversations but that didn't quite get the message across as my manager said he "prepares a few bullet points before meetings" and that "in 5 years time when you have more confidence, you might not need to write everything out". My manager might be right - but I've done this for 22 years, I can't see it suddenly stopping once I reach this moment of "confidence" that everyone seems to expect will suddenly happen to me.
I might be being overly sensitive but the comments that I got at work on this have made me really question what I should do next. My work environment was the key reason why I pursued a diagnosis because it was draining me. But the guilt I feel now at trying to ask for any changes, especially as the diagnosis has taken 12 months to get, within which time I suppose I could have said something to work - it just leaves me in a tricky situation.
Am I being silly with the comments I received or is this expected? I personally am so happy to finally have answers to a lot of things, but the perception of others and as I try to 'unlearn' the things I have masked just seems impossible, even though I know I need to do it to stand any chance of having energy left at the end of the day (something which has been significantly lacking over the last week since my diagnosis!!).
Any advice or 'unmasking' experiences would be really, really appreciated. Thanks everyone.
I will give my personal experience which may help...or help understand how people view autism. Especially in the workplace.
I, like yourself was having trouble with work (i work long hours in social care) i had an issue at home which, alongside working....basically made me 'snap'....(meltdown)..... I was expecting a nice sectioning.....nope..... you are probably autistic (rainman was my autism reference point)...... im awaiting an assessment...... pretty much classic moderate/functioning.....heavily masking male with alcohol self medication.
Anyway.....tell my family....(saved my marriage, good thing!) Explains certain things to them......immediate family, we are close....told them.....not communiative....mum helps, bought me ear plugs.....dad.....he's not said anything (obviously autistic too)......now....tell work....
I explain my absence.....'oh, well.....everyone is abit autistic'......since then, nothing.......everyone in management know......and dont really trouble me. I dont know if its my charactor or what I've disclosed but......no one really approaches me from management anymore. I work hard, get my job done and work efficiently.....
Obviously at work, i work alot on my own. After disclosing, i dont mask as much but......people avoided me anyway (could never work out why)......obviously different.....I've worked in offices and tried to fit in......the energy that takes is monumental to your wellbeing (especially as you get older)
Im not sure what line of work you are in but...... think of yourself. I masked or at least tried too (failed) when i was younger and it was tough, too put on an act for so long (i know females can nail it) can only lead to long term misery.
If you are not happy in your job (tough one i know).....or they wont make things easier for you. Try to work things out, if they cant.....find something that does? Life is short.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate hearing this. I work in an office environment but I guess I am still lucky that the majority of my time can be spent working from home. I suspect this is due to change as the company would like to see more of us in the office again (part of the reason why I'm keen to disclose if I can, as working from home has really helped me over the last few years).
I guess my biggest internal hurdle is the 'well you've coped this long, why are you asking for changes now'- type of response, as that's the implied response I got when I disclosed it last week. They haven't seen all the mental health struggles and it's not something I think I can easily bring up with them, yet I know it's probably the only way to put it into context so they understand.
It's been such a surprise to become self-aware of what actually makes things uncomfortable for me, such that I could never have asked for changes as I never realised how much it affected it until now. I just fear that no one will understand that and they will be annoyed with me for not speaking up sooner.
I think I'll just try to unmask slowly (still not sure what that will mean to start with!) but at least then I can see how people around me view it and stop if I need to.
I'm just in the process of changing roles too (same company, different team) - so that's a change that will be difficult to manage and I haven't told the new team yet, so my head is all over the place wondering how I get through the mess I have created!
Anyways - thanks so much again for sharing your experience, it has been very reassuring to know I am not the only one trying to figure out the world of work!
Its tough.
Hard enough to get your own head around.....nevermind others.
Usually, in my experience most people wont give your struggles a second thought (I hope they do) Most will shut the door on the way out and think about themselves. Thats just pessimistic me but, i live in hope and hope you find a solution in work.
The self awareness thing in itself is quite cathartic in itself. Being mindful that the struggles you face are 'real' and not just something you have to hide is healing. To be open to others is great, also educational to people. It might not register immediately but it will. It will touch someone.
If you told me a year ago i was autistic.....i would have laughed. Amazing what some insight can bring to ourselves and others.
I wish you luck anyway and dont be afraid to be yourself. Most people are, even non autistic people mask who they really are.
Thank you once again. I agree, the self awareness I have gained throughout this has been such a good thing in my opinion. I think I just need to give it time. But now that it's 'out in the open', it kind of takes some of that control away I guess - I will have to wait and see!
Good luck to you too