Failed as a mother

Hi there,

I've got a two part answer for you, which I hope will help; one about autism and one about being a mum. I am both autistic and a mum.

Firstly and most importantly, you did absolutely NOTHING wrong.  Nothing whatsoever because nothing you could possibly do as a parent causes autism.  It is evident that you love your children.  I am a bit concerned on reading the above about the amount to sway your mother seems to have over you though.  As a grown woman with children of her own, your mother has no business "ordering" you to do or not do anything and no one can take your children away just because one of them might be autistic. That's not even legal.  I get the feeling you might need a little bit of support yourself, not only to help you cope with your son's issues; whether he is autistic or not, but to help you grow in confidence as a parent so you can stand up to your family and do what you feel to be in your children's best interest.

Secondly; autism.  Thank you for coming to the community to ask these questions.  There are some really reliable sources of information out there - this wider National Autistic Society site, for instance, and some really rubbish ones which will tell you nonsense, like vaccination causes autism - it doesn't.  The only thing you did by vaccinating your kids was protect them from disease.

Clearly you do need an assessment here, but there are a number of possible explanations for your son's problems.  Autism is just one, but it could be something else. Your first step is to be sure what it is that you are looking at, so you are wise to get this checked out properly.  Assuming he is autistic, there is no reason to panic.  It will mean that there basically is nothing wrong with him.  His neurology is just wired a bit differently and he experiences the world a bit differently to most people. When this is not understood, those differences can cause some stress trying to deal with a world that isn't designed well for him.  The good news is that there are ways of managing the environment or the circumstances around him etc which can help him lead a happy life.

Many people labour under the misunderstanding that autism is a childhood illness.  The truth is that it isn't an "illness" and it isn't only something that affects children, you can't "get" autism, like say cancer or a cold.  It is something that we ARE and have been since birth and will always be.  We were just created autistic.  It's in the genes. So, you are correct you cannot cure it and to be honest most of us wouldn't want a cure - we wouldn't be us anymore if they did.  And anyway, we often have strengths that mean we are better able in some areas than others.  As for "treatment", well there are good and bad approaches to dealing with the challenges of being autistic, but you can't really "treat" autism either, in the same way you can't "treat" a rare blood type, nor would you want to.  It's just a natural human variation.  For a rare blood type, you may however need a special plan in place in case a blood transfusion were needed.  So it is with autism.  We just need to do some stuff differently.  That might mean we need a lot of support, or it might only mean we need a little bit of support with some things.

I note that you say that your son hit all his milestones early on and that you don't seem to have noticed anything much different before now.  Certainly, if he is autistic the characteristics will have been there from baby hood, but sometimes they aren't readily evident until school age.  So, I wouldn't rule it in or out on that basis. That would take a professional to determine.  You say his speech is good, for instance.  Yeah, as autistic people we all have some sort of communication difference, but whereas some of us had delayed speech or never speak, others of us were very early speakers and even came across as very adult or posh in our toddlerhood.  A well trained autism Speech and Language specialist will be able to pick up autistic speech patterns and communication styles in an eloquent autistic person.  My mother, as a non-expert, thought nothing peculiar of my speech.  She simply noted that I was an early talker, but didn't chat much for the sake of it.  It is only when you ask her to describe in more detail how I learned to speak - I stared at peoples mouths rehearsing words silently over and over and then aloud to practice by talking to the animals on my wall paper, rather than interact with people, until the word was perfect, - that it becomes obvious to a specialist that this is an autistic way of learning to talk.  These details would go unnoticed as an indicator by most parents.

So in sum, you are doing the right thing as a parent to check this out.  And if he is autistic come back to this site. The information here will help, I'm sure, and you can chat here to autistic people or the parents and carers of autistic people for support.  But, my advice as a mum would be whatever the problem turns out to be, if they can't just be supportive, to tell your family to mind their own business.

My family was forced to leave our home when my grandmother refused to have my mother cut as a child. My mother never had any of her girls cut and she helped us find men who would accept our deformation. My husband is not here at the moment so I have to go to my mother for permission. My husband is a good man and I would never disrespect him by going out without a chaperone. Once my son is 16 it will be different and he can escort his sisters and I around. It is so hard because it feels like everything I was told was wrong. My mother warned me about all the dangers of parenting but it is all so different. 
If I read the symptoms of autism and think about my son as a child would that be a good place to start? I tried the Google but everywhere talks about autism as a child and not about it starting as a teen? I want to try and have as much information as possible so when I tell my mother she might be less angry at me for doing this. I will look at the website and try to understand what my friend was telling me. 

OK.  With the reference to 'cutting' I suddenly understand it's a cultural, rather than personality issue with the family.  It is difficult for me to know what to say or advice on that score because my background is different. This must be making this extra hard for you. But please do understand that you have not done anything wrong.

Ultimately, the important thing is to establish whether autism is the cause - that needs a professional assessment but I can see you might find that hard too.

Basically though, as for it "starting as a teen"...autism CAN'T "start as a teen".  To qualify for a diagnosis of autism there must have been indicators in early childhood.  This would be why you are finding nothing on google about an on-set in teenage years.

That said, I wouldn't want you to dismiss the possibility just because you didn't notice anything earlier. Whereas many autistic people have very obvious characteristics noticeable by anybody very early on, some of us are more "subtle".  We mostly found ways of coping with the world us and unconsciously hid the differences. Many of us got by for decades without anyone noticing our inner struggles with communication, social, thinking and sensory difference. People may have considered us a bit odd or unusual or difficult or as just not fitting in.  And yet a trained eye would pick up on all the little things which mean we have always been autistic. Some of us lived most of our lives not realising.  I was not diagnosed until I was 56.

With that, rather than search for autism starting in teens, I would be searching for the ways in which autism can more subtly be expressed in both children and adults.  If you aren't finding exactly what you are looking for, you could pick one issue at a time and ask a question here.  We will be able to tell you what it was like for us; as kids, as teens and as adults, or else point you to a good source of information on that point.

Otherwise; there are some things you could ask yourself about your son and compare his behaviours to those to other children you know which might give you some clues, although do bear in mind if those other children are in the family autism is in the genes and some traits just might be 'normal' for your family. So for instance; how did your son learn to speak, what is his speech like now? He may be articulate, but did he chat much as a toddler? Or, mostly speak only when he had something functional to ask, say; 'Can I have a drink, please?' Or, did he talk incessantly about one particular topic oblivious to the fact that the rest of the family were bored and couldn't get word in edgeways?

Or another thing might be; what did he like to do as a baby and what does he like to do now, and how does he do it?  Did he do lots of interactive play, or was he just mostly sorting and re-arranging his toys?  Has he got any interests now that once engrossed in you can't pull him away from?  Would he just forget to eat he is so engrossed if you didn't insist.?  Are his interests in any way unusual?

That sort of thing... if you pull apart the things that could be indicators one by one, we might be able to give you some insight.

Also, if you've got his old school reports have a good look for references to perhaps not concentrating, or not mixing with other kids, or perhaps not being too good at sport or co-ordination issues, or perhaps being very focused on one thing or very analytical, or not doing so well with figurative language. His strengths might tell you as much as his weaknesses.

OK.  With the reference to 'cutting' I suddenly understand it's a cultural, rather than personality issue with the family.  It is difficult for me to know what to say or advice on that score because my background is different. This must be making this extra hard for you. But please do understand that you have not done anything wrong.

Ultimately, the important thing is to establish whether autism is the cause - that needs a professional assessment but I can see you might find that hard too.

Basically though, as for it "starting as a teen"...autism CAN'T "start as a teen".  To qualify for a diagnosis of autism there must have been indicators in early childhood.  This would be why you are finding nothing on google about an on-set in teenage years.

That said, I wouldn't want you to dismiss the possibility just because you didn't notice anything earlier. Whereas many autistic people have very obvious characteristics noticeable by anybody very early on, some of us are more "subtle".  We mostly found ways of coping with the world us and unconsciously hid the differences. Many of us got by for decades without anyone noticing our inner struggles with communication, social, thinking and sensory difference. People may have considered us a bit odd or unusual or difficult or as just not fitting in.  And yet a trained eye would pick up on all the little things which mean we have always been autistic. Some of us lived most of our lives not realising.  I was not diagnosed until I was 56.

With that, rather than search for autism starting in teens, I would be searching for the ways in which autism can more subtly be expressed in both children and adults.  If you aren't finding exactly what you are looking for, you could pick one issue at a time and ask a question here.  We will be able to tell you what it was like for us; as kids, as teens and as adults, or else point you to a good source of information on that point.

Otherwise; there are some things you could ask yourself about your son and compare his behaviours to those to other children you know which might give you some clues, although do bear in mind if those other children are in the family autism is in the genes and some traits just might be 'normal' for your family. So for instance; how did your son learn to speak, what is his speech like now? He may be articulate, but did he chat much as a toddler? Or, mostly speak only when he had something functional to ask, say; 'Can I have a drink, please?' Or, did he talk incessantly about one particular topic oblivious to the fact that the rest of the family were bored and couldn't get word in edgeways?

Or another thing might be; what did he like to do as a baby and what does he like to do now, and how does he do it?  Did he do lots of interactive play, or was he just mostly sorting and re-arranging his toys?  Has he got any interests now that once engrossed in you can't pull him away from?  Would he just forget to eat he is so engrossed if you didn't insist.?  Are his interests in any way unusual?

That sort of thing... if you pull apart the things that could be indicators one by one, we might be able to give you some insight.

Also, if you've got his old school reports have a good look for references to perhaps not concentrating, or not mixing with other kids, or perhaps not being too good at sport or co-ordination issues, or perhaps being very focused on one thing or very analytical, or not doing so well with figurative language. His strengths might tell you as much as his weaknesses.