Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I had a feedback phone call with the clinician this evening and was told that both clinicians who saw me strongly agreed with a diagnosis of autism. Apparently the clinician who conducted my ADOS-2 test was a "strong yes" as soon as they'd had the conversation with me - which I was a little taken back by (I had my suspicions about being autistic but didn't realise it could come across that strongly!).
Whilst I've spent the last year or so researching into autism, and the more I've done so, the more I have found explanations to a lot of things in my life, I was expecting to feel a little differently about the diagnosis. E.g. a big sense of relief or validation.
However, instead I feel like I don't quite believe it (and like others won't either). I expected that once I knew, I would want to tell certain people about it as it was the answer I was looking for. But instead I'm so scared to tell people now I know because it seems like such a strange revelation to suddenly disclose.
I'm not really sure what to do from here - should I wait for the report before I attempt to tell anyone? Or do I tell those I feel I should/could tell so at least they know?
I'm due to have a big change in my life as I change job role (staying with same company, just moving to a different team). I always knew it would be stressful, as every change has been, but I have always been one to mask and I know there are things which could be done to make it more bearable - the trouble is, that would likely mean disclosing my newly diagnosed autism, but springing that on a team I hardly know seems a daunting prospect.
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with things post-diagnosis and, for want of a better term, loosening the 'mask' -I would be very grateful. And if anyone has any views on what they would do in a work situation like above, I would be keen to hear them (though I know no-one can tell me what to do, nor can anyone know my exact situation).
I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my waffling post and I look forward to getting to know some of you! :)
I started being open about it when I started my current job 4 years ago. It's actually been a very positive move for me, but then I work in a primary school where most people already have a better understanding about such things. I imagine it's different depending on the environment.
It's so hard for me to start conversations and that does make it difficult to disclose, but I find that so far people have been mostly accepting. I still face problems but I keep working on them at my own pace. It's taken me this long to start a conversation about the dress code- I've had to keep my pink hair covered with a headscarf which is like literal, physical masking for me and sooo upsetting. But I did it! So now that's going to be reviewed.
It feels a lot like coming out- each disclosure gets easier as you learn the kind of questions you get and how to respond to them. For me, coming out to a new team was a positive as we were all getting to know each other and I got to be my weird self a bit more with some understanding from the beginning. I was working one to one with an autistic child in the class, so my experience was valuable. I know it's not the same for everyone.