Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am a 21 enby and was recently diagnosed as autistic (after years of poor mental health) and to be honest I have a lot of negative emotions. I'm not sad or ashamed about the fact that I'm autistic, but I feel stuck in some purgatory between the 'mask' I had before I got diagnosed that now doesn't work (not that It was great before) and the full acceptance of myself (from fear of how people would react, I suppose). I can understand that if people react to me badly or patronisingly or whatever, then that's on their own ignorance and not on me, but damn does it still suck bad when people act like you're some sort of uncanny non-human thing or talk to you like a child.
Up until recently I had been working, but I decided to change and go to uni, because I found working very difficult, in different ways. My last job was work from home, so I basically haven't needed to exist in the social world for a while, which hasn't helped. But anyway I decided to try to study something I enjoy, but boy is it difficult. Not the course but everything that comes with it. Interacting with people is an obvious difficulty and it means that I have just withdrawn back into myself somewhat. I can't bring myself to start conversations with people and I am feeling more alone and more aware of this loneliness. I have had to pick living in halls (because trying to find housing in the private rented sector you either need money which I don't have, or find flatmates/shared accommodation so you need social skills which I don't have), and yeah having complete strangers in what is basically my home now is kind of weird, when they're just there and they're constantly perceiving your presence as you pour coffee, for example. (that's not the only issue but yeah) I want to be able to make friends and not be so alone, but even when I find niche groups based on interests and stuff I always feel like an outsider, even occasionally amongst other autistics (which isn't a comment on anyone else - we are not a monolith after all, but the feeling is more like 'damn I can't make friends with allistics or autistics, huh' ).
Even more difficult is that I have to support myself financially, but student maintenance loans don't go nearly as far enough. So I am looking at having to get a part time job, most of which involves 'Customer Service' and interacting with colleagues and job interviews and a whole bunch of other bad things, that will mean that I have an even more stuff on top of just trying to live and make sure I don't perish and study. But I need to do this, having gone from job to job I can't survive that way, and I don't want to just survive - I want to be able to study what I enjoy and be able to actually enjoy existence without having to be constantly stressed by things that if only they were slightly different wouldn't stress me.
I know there are others who have it far worse, particularly at the moment this will be a long winter for a lot of us, and my respect to older autistics who have seemingly managed to do this for years.
I had hoped getting diagnosed would make things easier - and in some ways it has, like understanding and managing sensory issues and so on - but more than anything else it has just made me aware of just how much autistic people aren't treated properly in this society. I think I always new this, but now I have the words to describe it. And I get the point is to do something about it, but to paraphrase slightly the political is just a little bit too personal right now.
So yes hello everyone... sorry for the rant. Great to be here on the Wired.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I found living in Halls and Uni in general quite difficult. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic (this was many years ago). I don’t think there are any easy answers. One way you can approach it is to work on getting your anxiety levels down in general - which will possibly help you cope a bit better with the things that are challenging. I’m currently finding that meditation can be helpful - but anything that lowers your overall stress levels will mean that when you do experience challenging things you got more ‘stable foundations’ that help you to be less reactive and distressed and can return to feeling less stressed more easily. More and more I realise that it’s about ‘managing’ our difficulties in the same way that an asthmatic might manage their asthma. You have to take care of yourself, make sure you get rest, time to do the things you enjoy, time alone when you need it, reach out for support when you need it etc etc. It’s a matter of working out what works for you, and finding strategies that help. I found Uni really difficult but I definitely don’t regret going. It’s not easy but it’s often worth it nevertheless - and you might find that eventually you do make a couple of friends in time. I met my now husband at college in my second year - and that massively changed my life for the better!
Kate Kestrel said:anything that lowers your overall stress levels
that's difficult and sometimes counterintuitive or illogical,
like ghosting people you meet on regulat basis because they only ask ''How are you?''. For me on a bad day, after stressful previous day, it basically triggers reliving those bad events
or restricted socialising, I meet my friends once month, I told them to stay stable I can't do it more often
because you do not want to end up in a loop where you can't stop reminescing bad stuff, spending nights doing it unable to sleep