Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am a 21 enby and was recently diagnosed as autistic (after years of poor mental health) and to be honest I have a lot of negative emotions. I'm not sad or ashamed about the fact that I'm autistic, but I feel stuck in some purgatory between the 'mask' I had before I got diagnosed that now doesn't work (not that It was great before) and the full acceptance of myself (from fear of how people would react, I suppose). I can understand that if people react to me badly or patronisingly or whatever, then that's on their own ignorance and not on me, but damn does it still suck bad when people act like you're some sort of uncanny non-human thing or talk to you like a child.
Up until recently I had been working, but I decided to change and go to uni, because I found working very difficult, in different ways. My last job was work from home, so I basically haven't needed to exist in the social world for a while, which hasn't helped. But anyway I decided to try to study something I enjoy, but boy is it difficult. Not the course but everything that comes with it. Interacting with people is an obvious difficulty and it means that I have just withdrawn back into myself somewhat. I can't bring myself to start conversations with people and I am feeling more alone and more aware of this loneliness. I have had to pick living in halls (because trying to find housing in the private rented sector you either need money which I don't have, or find flatmates/shared accommodation so you need social skills which I don't have), and yeah having complete strangers in what is basically my home now is kind of weird, when they're just there and they're constantly perceiving your presence as you pour coffee, for example. (that's not the only issue but yeah) I want to be able to make friends and not be so alone, but even when I find niche groups based on interests and stuff I always feel like an outsider, even occasionally amongst other autistics (which isn't a comment on anyone else - we are not a monolith after all, but the feeling is more like 'damn I can't make friends with allistics or autistics, huh' ).
Even more difficult is that I have to support myself financially, but student maintenance loans don't go nearly as far enough. So I am looking at having to get a part time job, most of which involves 'Customer Service' and interacting with colleagues and job interviews and a whole bunch of other bad things, that will mean that I have an even more stuff on top of just trying to live and make sure I don't perish and study. But I need to do this, having gone from job to job I can't survive that way, and I don't want to just survive - I want to be able to study what I enjoy and be able to actually enjoy existence without having to be constantly stressed by things that if only they were slightly different wouldn't stress me.
I know there are others who have it far worse, particularly at the moment this will be a long winter for a lot of us, and my respect to older autistics who have seemingly managed to do this for years.
I had hoped getting diagnosed would make things easier - and in some ways it has, like understanding and managing sensory issues and so on - but more than anything else it has just made me aware of just how much autistic people aren't treated properly in this society. I think I always new this, but now I have the words to describe it. And I get the point is to do something about it, but to paraphrase slightly the political is just a little bit too personal right now.
So yes hello everyone... sorry for the rant. Great to be here on the Wired.
Hi 96 leaves,
First let me say: rant away! That's the great thing about the internet; it gives you the space to say what you want to say.
I'm in my 40s and I've just been diagnosed as autistic. I just wanted to reply to your post because I can recognise in your writing some of the feelings that I had when I first went away to university. I can't speak to the knowledge of being autistic in such circumstances, simply because I didn't have that knowledge at that time. But I can speak to some of the feelings that you're currently having, because I've certainly had them myself.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by following your passions in education. I know that one of the big problems can be separating the social environment from the purpose of what you're doing. It took me a long time to learn this, but at your age most people are confused and are just trying to fit in.
As someone with autism, this can be far more problematic because there are a whole bunch of people just trying to find a group dynamic, and there you are standing on the sidelines utterly confused and defeated by everything. In such circumstances, the kind of social bandwidth that people might typically use to make other people feel included, are being reserved for themselves. And that can be really difficult.
It's also true of masking. At some level, what we call 'masking' other neurotypical people call 'intuition'. What I mean by that is that most people will change their behaviour to fit some group dynamic. The difference between us and them is that for us, it is entirely conscious. It is a decision that we make.
This can be both exhausting and confusing. But it's also a skill. You can act.
Being autistic means your brain works a certain way. It isn't an identity in itself. Take advantage of your natural skills.
I don't want to give too much advice because sometimes it's just better to listen to someone. But I will say this: do your best to enjoy the parts of the university experience that you like and that work for you. And (easier said than done) try as best you can not to let the other parts interfere with that.
Most of life is tedious and unfair, and that's true for all human beings however they like to portray themselves. It just doesn't matter what other people think about you. The universe is massive and life is very short.
All that matters is what you make of it.
I feel for you.Scrappy
ps - never do any kind of customer service job. Data entry is far, far easier.