Greetings

Hello everyone

to start I want to say I don’t have an official diagnosis of Autism. I hope it is ok for me to post here. When searching for a forum I saw people on some posting things such as “forums over run with self diagnosed people and no authentic autistic people “ I ignored them and moved on. I have written and re written this part so many times and haven’t got on to the introduction proper. Actually feel sick and anxious doing this. Here goes…

I’m 45 (god I’m getting old) and growing up autism wasn’t something I saw, or I remember seeing. I think the first real ‘introduction’ was the film Rainman. It always seemed especially coming from a working class background ‘up north’ that this wasn’t spoken about and if it was it was probably in hushed tones, and not outside the family. So the idea that I could be autistic was never something that I considered or was at the forefront of my mind, but the lockdown’s and having M.E. Have given me a lot of time for self reflection and evaluation.

I don’t remember having real problems growing up, I was as people would say ‘shy and quiet’ and I didn’t really enjoy playing with the other children, never understood games they played, at primary school, and really never understood how to take part in the conversations, group stuff at high school. I knew friends and peers would do things after school, and saw people doing things after school in tv shows and always wondered how they managed to do it, I always felt I really didn’t belong in these groups, I remember felling that what I said sounded false and un-natural for me, but it seemed like the way others spoke and acted. (Sorry I’m rambling and that probably doesn’t make sense)

I won’t go anymore into ‘the top 40 chart of things I do that I think could mean I’m autistic as, it’s just going to go on and on and could end up going into stereotypical behaviour of autistic males, and have me getting more and more anxious or paranoid about it all (more than I am)

a bit of background I used to be an ICU nurse, I enjoyed the medical side and this is going to sound horrible being an icu nurse there was less need to speak with the patients under my care as they were completely sedated, when I had to go to wards occasionally I had no idea how to act and it was very robotic, saying what I’d heard others say.. anyway health issues forced me to leave that job (injured shoulder) I now do photography, usually I can be alone with my camera.
I have done some of the online questionnaires (the really long ones 30-50 questions) and all they do is confirm what I thought. I am nervous to go to my gp as I’m sure they will just say why are you only just saying this now, and it’s probably just your other conditions (M.E. Anxiety, depression). I would like to know, but then think at 45 is it really going to make any difference, other than just giving me answers? I suppose that’s only a question that I can answer. It’s just very hard to go and broach the subject with the doctor

sorry for the long rant I think I just needed to get this off my chest and actually say to someone, even if it is anonymous people on a message forum that I could be autistic