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Greetings

Balletdude
over 1 year ago

Hello everyone

to start I want to say I don’t have an official diagnosis of Autism. I hope it is ok for me to post here. When searching for a forum I saw people on some posting things such as “forums over run with self diagnosed people and no authentic autistic people “ I ignored them and moved on. I have written and re written this part so many times and haven’t got on to the introduction proper. Actually feel sick and anxious doing this. Here goes…

I’m 45 (god I’m getting old) and growing up autism wasn’t something I saw, or I remember seeing. I think the first real ‘introduction’ was the film Rainman. It always seemed especially coming from a working class background ‘up north’ that this wasn’t spoken about and if it was it was probably in hushed tones, and not outside the family. So the idea that I could be autistic was never something that I considered or was at the forefront of my mind, but the lockdown’s and having M.E. Have given me a lot of time for self reflection and evaluation.

I don’t remember having real problems growing up, I was as people would say ‘shy and quiet’ and I didn’t really enjoy playing with the other children, never understood games they played, at primary school, and really never understood how to take part in the conversations, group stuff at high school. I knew friends and peers would do things after school, and saw people doing things after school in tv shows and always wondered how they managed to do it, I always felt I really didn’t belong in these groups, I remember felling that what I said sounded false and un-natural for me, but it seemed like the way others spoke and acted. (Sorry I’m rambling and that probably doesn’t make sense)

I won’t go anymore into ‘the top 40 chart of things I do that I think could mean I’m autistic as, it’s just going to go on and on and could end up going into stereotypical behaviour of autistic males, and have me getting more and more anxious or paranoid about it all (more than I am)

a bit of background I used to be an ICU nurse, I enjoyed the medical side and this is going to sound horrible being an icu nurse there was less need to speak with the patients under my care as they were completely sedated, when I had to go to wards occasionally I had no idea how to act and it was very robotic, saying what I’d heard others say.. anyway health issues forced me to leave that job (injured shoulder) I now do photography, usually I can be alone with my camera. 
I have done some of the online questionnaires (the really long ones 30-50 questions) and all they do is confirm what I thought. I am nervous to go to my gp as I’m sure they will just say why are you only just saying this now, and it’s probably just your other conditions (M.E. Anxiety, depression). I would like to know, but then think at 45 is it really going to make any difference, other than just giving me answers?  I suppose that’s only a question that I can answer. It’s just very hard to go and broach the subject with the doctor 

sorry for the long rant I think I just needed to get this off my chest and actually say to someone, even if it is anonymous people on a message forum that I could be autistic

thank you for listening if you have got this far

Parents
  • over 1 year ago

    Hi, thank you for your post. Your not alone at your age, there are quite a few here who are at a very similar time in their lives and grew up when autism wasn’t really understood. There are apparently 80,000 adults just in the UK who are autistic and never diagnosed or never realised they are autistic. I’m in my 50’s and finally went to my GP last December. Anxiety is present in a lot of autistic people, I know mine is present pretty well constantly. Many of us choose to work alone as contact and communicating with others requires too much energy and masking. Years of masking takes its toll in the end. I know that I’m autistic but I want an assessment to just give me validation and help stop the imposter syndrome. If we go by what a stereotypical autistic person is thought to be by the outside world then no autistic person would be able to work, drive, own a house or have children. I think you can see the unkind words of ‘you don’t look autistic’ are just offensive, what should we look like?

    Many of us went through school in a similar way to you, it’s easier just to be alone and stay under the radar. The GP is where to start. I’m currently on the waiting list which in my area is 2 years. If you need any help with starting your journey just ask away on here, I’m obviously no expert but I can let you know how I got referred, alternatively there is the private route. Good luck.

Reply
  • over 1 year ago

    Hi, thank you for your post. Your not alone at your age, there are quite a few here who are at a very similar time in their lives and grew up when autism wasn’t really understood. There are apparently 80,000 adults just in the UK who are autistic and never diagnosed or never realised they are autistic. I’m in my 50’s and finally went to my GP last December. Anxiety is present in a lot of autistic people, I know mine is present pretty well constantly. Many of us choose to work alone as contact and communicating with others requires too much energy and masking. Years of masking takes its toll in the end. I know that I’m autistic but I want an assessment to just give me validation and help stop the imposter syndrome. If we go by what a stereotypical autistic person is thought to be by the outside world then no autistic person would be able to work, drive, own a house or have children. I think you can see the unkind words of ‘you don’t look autistic’ are just offensive, what should we look like?

    Many of us went through school in a similar way to you, it’s easier just to be alone and stay under the radar. The GP is where to start. I’m currently on the waiting list which in my area is 2 years. If you need any help with starting your journey just ask away on here, I’m obviously no expert but I can let you know how I got referred, alternatively there is the private route. Good luck.

Children
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