Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone
to start I want to say I don’t have an official diagnosis of Autism. I hope it is ok for me to post here. When searching for a forum I saw people on some posting things such as “forums over run with self diagnosed people and no authentic autistic people “ I ignored them and moved on. I have written and re written this part so many times and haven’t got on to the introduction proper. Actually feel sick and anxious doing this. Here goes…
I’m 45 (god I’m getting old) and growing up autism wasn’t something I saw, or I remember seeing. I think the first real ‘introduction’ was the film Rainman. It always seemed especially coming from a working class background ‘up north’ that this wasn’t spoken about and if it was it was probably in hushed tones, and not outside the family. So the idea that I could be autistic was never something that I considered or was at the forefront of my mind, but the lockdown’s and having M.E. Have given me a lot of time for self reflection and evaluation.
I don’t remember having real problems growing up, I was as people would say ‘shy and quiet’ and I didn’t really enjoy playing with the other children, never understood games they played, at primary school, and really never understood how to take part in the conversations, group stuff at high school. I knew friends and peers would do things after school, and saw people doing things after school in tv shows and always wondered how they managed to do it, I always felt I really didn’t belong in these groups, I remember felling that what I said sounded false and un-natural for me, but it seemed like the way others spoke and acted. (Sorry I’m rambling and that probably doesn’t make sense)
I won’t go anymore into ‘the top 40 chart of things I do that I think could mean I’m autistic as, it’s just going to go on and on and could end up going into stereotypical behaviour of autistic males, and have me getting more and more anxious or paranoid about it all (more than I am)
a bit of background I used to be an ICU nurse, I enjoyed the medical side and this is going to sound horrible being an icu nurse there was less need to speak with the patients under my care as they were completely sedated, when I had to go to wards occasionally I had no idea how to act and it was very robotic, saying what I’d heard others say.. anyway health issues forced me to leave that job (injured shoulder) I now do photography, usually I can be alone with my camera. I have done some of the online questionnaires (the really long ones 30-50 questions) and all they do is confirm what I thought. I am nervous to go to my gp as I’m sure they will just say why are you only just saying this now, and it’s probably just your other conditions (M.E. Anxiety, depression). I would like to know, but then think at 45 is it really going to make any difference, other than just giving me answers? I suppose that’s only a question that I can answer. It’s just very hard to go and broach the subject with the doctor
sorry for the long rant I think I just needed to get this off my chest and actually say to someone, even if it is anonymous people on a message forum that I could be autistic
thank you for listening if you have got this far
Welcome.
I'm also new here and I was made to feel welcome when I joined so I want to pay that forward.
I'm further along in my autistic journey - I was diagnosed last year at 50 - and autism was not a thing when I was growing up (and it's still not a thing in my family even though it obviously is!) but I can say that the years of my adulthood where I perpetuated the working class, alpha-male myths of 'man up', 'deal with it', 'walk it off' etc, etc, etc. - long after I knew something was wrong - were very damaging to my mental and physical health and to the well-being of people around me.
There's no cure for autism so diagnosis won't provide that and for many it's really just the start of a new chapter - but if you're struggling or if you feel that something is not right - I would encourage you to try and get some professional help regardless of what form that takes.
Good luck on the path from here.
Thank you for the reply. Rather than struggling/something not right, it’s more I’ve realised something about myself, and part of me would like that confirmation, just for me. But it’s how to go about speaking to my doctor about it
if that makes sense.
The general advice is to prepare a case for your GP for how the possibility of undiagnosed autism is having a negative impact on your day to day life and back that up with real word examples.
Tough thing to say but they will most likely need to hear something that sounds to them like illness.
From there they'll consider referring you to your local adult autism service for assessment and diagnosis but via the NHS - that process will take months and maybe years.
You could also consider private diagnosis.