Making the first step

Hi, I'm Tommy, over 35 years old and I'm not diagnosed with ASD, but my life from childhood to adulthood has been far from normal. Throughout high school I was in a special needs class, but from there on I was on my own with no support, growing up in a poor neighborhood I used alcohol, etc, to mask my personality flaws. Later in life I developed a fake persona to get by and it worked in a way that I was perceived as a normal dude. However the reality was a dude that had no friends, never been on a date, never driven a car or been abroad and the list goes on. I'm proud of the persona I created because it spared me from bullying and embarrassment, but it's also a curse because it meant avoiding my reality and thus not getting support when I really needed it. There was rumors in the family that I was autistic, but nothing become of them. In my family I'm known as the guy that can fix anything, computers, phones, TVs, etc. I've only ever taken online Autism tests and they've all been positive for ASD. I've always found it hard to follow conversations or laugh at jokes. This makes it hard to socialize, so I avoid social settings where I can be exposed. I did have friends in the past with special needs, but even they were able to move on with their life and develop relationships. I think that's because they received support and sheltered housing, etc. Given my fake persona and that I have no physical characteristics that could hint at a condition, I was not on the radar for support. I fell through the cracks, so to speak. Even now people assume that I must have many girlfriends and have a good job, etc. It's funny how how wrong they are, but I would rather have them believe that than not. It's only recently that got a smart phone. I would love to be the person that people assume I am, but it's my inability to socialize and progress that is a huge barrier. I guess my first step is to try and get over my embarrassment and seek a diagnoses, but it's hard to drop my persona.