Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm Tommy, over 35 years old and I'm not diagnosed with ASD, but my life from childhood to adulthood has been far from normal. Throughout high school I was in a special needs class, but from there on I was on my own with no support, growing up in a poor neighborhood I used alcohol, etc, to mask my personality flaws. Later in life I developed a fake persona to get by and it worked in a way that I was perceived as a normal dude. However the reality was a dude that had no friends, never been on a date, never driven a car or been abroad and the list goes on. I'm proud of the persona I created because it spared me from bullying and embarrassment, but it's also a curse because it meant avoiding my reality and thus not getting support when I really needed it. There was rumors in the family that I was autistic, but nothing become of them. In my family I'm known as the guy that can fix anything, computers, phones, TVs, etc. I've only ever taken online Autism tests and they've all been positive for ASD. I've always found it hard to follow conversations or laugh at jokes. This makes it hard to socialize, so I avoid social settings where I can be exposed. I did have friends in the past with special needs, but even they were able to move on with their life and develop relationships. I think that's because they received support and sheltered housing, etc. Given my fake persona and that I have no physical characteristics that could hint at a condition, I was not on the radar for support. I fell through the cracks, so to speak. Even now people assume that I must have many girlfriends and have a good job, etc. It's funny how how wrong they are, but I would rather have them believe that than not. It's only recently that got a smart phone. I would love to be the person that people assume I am, but it's my inability to socialize and progress that is a huge barrier. I guess my first step is to try and get over my embarrassment and seek a diagnoses, but it's hard to drop my persona.
There are some good things that I gained from mimicry and that's developing a fashion style, a good body posture and communicating in a way that's not deemed as creepy or strange. I was too nice for my own good. For example: One time I was at a bar and the guy stood next to me ordered 10 drinks for his friends. I offered to help him carry the drinks and he looked at me strangely and one of his friends accused me of been gay. This is why I can't afford to let the mask slip. Not only is it embarrassing, but it also puts me in physical danger. I don't want to go back to been that person. You can only drop the mask if you live in a sheltered environment.
Thomas0856 said:I would love to be the person that people assume I am,
I think that's where you need to start. That is not who you are. Wishing you were that person is only going to make you feel bad about yourself, with feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. If you decide to seek a diagnosis it may help you accept who you really are.
Try and think back to who you were inside before you developed the fake persona. You may need to try and remember as far back as early childhood. What were your interests, hopes, dreams, aspirations? It is not too late to be that person and achieve those things.
Yes masking is an autistic thing, most of us have had to do it to survive. Mimicry is too, we try to learn social skills by observing others. It will be hard to drop your persona and stop masking. Once you have been doing that so long it sort of becomes automatic. However the masking is not good for you and may eventually lead to autistic burnout.
I didn't know that autistic masking was a thing until now and given it's been such a big part of my adult life, then it's very enlightening. I don't worry too much about romantic relationships, I'm more concerned with achieving my independence and getting a driving license, etc.
Bonjour,
Yes, the mask is exhausting. I wear it even when I'm alone because I can pretend that I'm someone else in a better position. I use it to imitate other males. My recent imitation is Pitbull the rapper lol It's the only way I can portray confidence and assertiveness. My reluctance to seek a diagnosis is because I'm afraid of getting no ASD diagnosis, etc, and left to think that I'm just some type of loser. That would be a hard pill to swallow!
The hardest thing for me is explaining to people why I don't do normal activities that normal people do. I don't have an answer and it's embarrassing when they ask such questions. That's when I get exposed. If people knew that I had a diagnoses, then that would take off some of the pressure for sure.
Thanks for the advice!
and second step should be realisation that you socialise differently to non- autistic
and stop making yourself feel bad because of it
that persona you've created is autistic masking, every autistic who doesn't want to live in the wild like a hermit creates one, more or less sofisticated to get by, and hide in a crowd, pretending, masking, it's hhorribly exausting
you're actually lucky because of not being in an relationship you don't have to do it at home, instead you relax and recharge
Bonjour!
It sounds like a tough time for you. This persona sounds like you mask a lot which must be extremely tiring for you. If possible try to drop that and be yourself. I'm sorry you've been bullied but you should be able to be happy and comfortable with who you are. We all deserve to be ourselves whether people like it or not.
Definitely try and go for the diagnosis. I think if you are diagnosed having the answers will be a huge relief in the end. It was for me :)
I'm not sure if you read it by the way but we're not allowed to have our own profile pics here so you might want to change before any staff see it ;) xx