Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 41 years old, I've spent most of my life living in my own imagination because I was bullied regularly from a very young age. Had a job in my twenties but decided to quit because I wanted to spend more time thinking (in hindsight, not a clever move). I enjoy solitude but lately I find myself feeling unloved. If I'm able to find a way to stop procrastinating and learn the social skills I should have learned as a teenager, I hope someday to find someone to cuddle up on the sofa with.
Recently I've gotten a support worker who has encouraged me to go to the support groups run by the organization she works for and this has helped me to come out from under my shell a little bit, so I've decided to create an account here in hopes of finding other people who might understand me and maybe even make a few friends.
I had exactly those thoughts, but a bit younger than you. In my case after casting about for a useful body of knowledge to get me exactly what you express a need for. Companionship and love.
I was undiagnosed of course, so everything was shrouded in mystery, at least until I discovered "transactional analysis".
Essentially the ideas are that everyone has three basic perspectives on life. A childlike one, and adult self actualised one, and the one imprinted on you by your parents.These perspectives radically affect how you process situations and events, and you can consciously shift from one to another more helpful and appropriate ego state, once you understand how it works.
But the really neat thing I found in his seminal book, was how he had deconstructed many basic human lifestyles and ways of being and interacting. I was able to see how previously incomprehensible things like small talk worked, and why there were limits to it, etc.
I also learned how people expected me to express and conduct myself in matters of love and other human interactions, and it gave me something to do for about 3 years until people started falling in love with ME for a change... And THAT brings it's own problems..
Don't get me wrong, of course you could use that knowledge to become what I believe is called a "player", and just go for the relationship, but I wanted to make myself a genuinely nicer person, and that has proven to be a job that really took more years than I care to count, before I even became "acceptable".
Being a nice, positive, and useful person is way harder for me than being a miserable twat, I quickly found out. Still at least I am Autistic, I can face unpleasant truths about myself, and my life. That's half way to fixing it already...
And if you have not got one already, an animal companion, AKA "pet" is a much more gentle introduction to responsibility and interactions occurring at a pace you do not control. A big challenge for us with relationships, of course. as is well known.
I do hope there's some stuff here that's helpful to you.
Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out when I can afford it. I already have a pet cat. What I miss about having someone around the house is the randomness that another person introduces (their taste in music, tv shows, hobbies, food, etc), and the opportunity for some occasional human contact, as much as I love my cat, he's not exactly a great listener nor can he hug me. Being alone long term means that life can feel like groundhog day sometimes.
I make ''come dine with me'' for friends once a month
Huh! now why didn't I think of that. That's a great idea, thanks Mariusz. It would give me a reason to do the housework too.