Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone!
This is going to be long and very messy because I`m writing it in a rush.
I`m new to here and to be honest, I don`t really know if I belong here or not. For a couple of days, I have been looking up websites, videos about autism and I took a couple of tests as well. I already forgot how I started to suspect something, but I think it had to do something about me not being able to be emotionally supportive even though I am an empathetic person. Something like that.
After I read more about it, I found out that autistic people tend to have strong obsessions and they tend to talk excessively about it and get upset if they can`t do it or the other person is not interested. This made me wonder about a trait of mine which I never could understand. If I like something, be it a show or a group (I am a Korean drama, music fan and I was also a hardcore fan of a Japanese group as well), I go WAY overboard. I had ALL their photos on my PC organized in folders (years, months, magazine type etc) and I just had to had their shows, concerts, every single song of them. Beside, if someone was just a little bit interested, I got so excited that my heartbeat got fast and whenever I showed them videos or songs, I felt so much adrenalin I started to be sweaty. I talked about them all day long and I never got tired. Beside all of this, I started to be interested in Japanese culture, music, TV shows and I started to translate. So I`m incredibly thankful because I realized that I LOVE translating. I love expressing myself through translations and I love interpreting the message of a song or a TV show. I realized that I love how magical words can be. I always could express myself through writing more because whenever I talk and I get into a topic, I start to talk VERY fast and I also start to stutter and skip words. Without realizing, I talk more and more loud and at the end my voice gets hoarse. I feel like if I can`t talk about the thing that interests me at that specific time, I tend to get moody, especially if I`m tired or close to burnout. I always hated to accept the fact, but without any bad intention, I constantly want/ed to talk about only the things that interests me and I often show no interest toward something someone else wants to show. I`m constantly trying to fix this and be more open.
Aside this, I am terrible with social interactions. But after what my parents told me, I was very chatty and bright as a child so I don`t know if I simply didn`t have those traits then and I turned out to be like this because we moved a lot and I was bullied and used in elementary school. After we moved from the place I was until 9yo, I never could fit in anywhere. I didn`t know how to make friends and I let myself be manipulated just to be loved, I did some bad things too. I don`t remember talking about this to my parents ever (they had divorced when I was like 8) and I don`t think they know about it. I didn`t show these things at home and I don`t remember being unhappy at home, because I had friends outside of school. I do remember crying at 6th grade because someone who I thought is my friend told me I was annoying because I wanted to be constantly with them. I guess this was me being overly dependent and clingy. I cried and said to my classmates who asked me what`s wrong only out of curiosity that 'no one likes me'. And then she just left me alone. After that, in high school I got traumatized when two of my then-bestfriends outcasted me. After that it took like ten years for me to get over my abandonment trauma. But all I remember is that after we moved (when I was 9) I struggled so much to make friends and now I have one best friend who means the world to me, but she is my only friend. I got very withdrawn, I can`t keep a conversation going, I keep picking up other people`s speaking habits to mask my true self and I often struggle with words. I can get mute in a situation where I am with people I don`t like. I heard someone asked an other person once if 'I can talk at all' or when I laughed, someone else said 'oh, you can laugh' even though I love to laugh.
I just can`t get people around me. I have very strong values and I stopped trying to fit in, but I still have this extreme anxiety in social settings and all I do is acting my way out so I don`t look rude. I got extremely exhausted after like 2 hours socializing and I can`t wait to get back into my room.
I also have strong opinions. If I don`t like one thing someone says I tend to think they are not likable and I don`t want to be their friends. But I can`t show it and can`t be honest because I`m afraid of judgement and I don`t want to hurt others. But I have this very raw way of expressing myself and my facial expressions don`t help either. I look intimidating even though I don`t mean it and even if I try to joke around with people, my voice sounds harsh and I feel my face being tired from the unnatural expressions. I keep thinking how I should look at people, while interacting them and because of this I miss what they say. I want to make friends but only true friends with shared values and deep inner worlds. I just feel like everyone is shallow and fake around me.
I have SO MANY interests and it stresses me out that I can`t focus on them. I love to translate, to study languages. I love to draw, to paint and I constantly want to learn more things like crocheting, embroidery, woodwork. I love to read, I love books that bring out the empathy in me. I love to write. I`m very humane and I get upset over the injustice of this world and of the everydays. I am very emotional and highly sensitive to sounds and bright lights. I get sensory overload easily and when it happens, my brain just can`t stop buzzing. I often have anger issues, I am very aware of them. I often threw tantrums until a couple of years ago, now it`s less frequent but I still hit objects when I`m that angry and I can have quick mood swings and anxiety attacks even in a safe environment. I have all kinds of phobias and I got depression because of death anxiety 3 times in my life. And I am 28.
I have bad motoric skills. I can draw well, but if I need to pick up small things or tie my shoes or do something specifically with my fingers, I am very clumsy. I often can`t take corners properly and bump into stuffs and I often trip over nothing and ruin my shoes. I often have short attention span if it`s about something I`m not interested about. I often need to re-read pages in books even if I like them because my thoughts just wander away. These days I`m very forgetful, too, not sure if this has anything to do with autism.
Until I can remember, I always touched my lips when they were dry because it felt good and I kept (still do) cracking my ankles when I went to sleep, I still do things with my fingers and I often move my legs or toes even when I`m sitting still. I constantly change position in the chair when I`m studying or reading or even during eating.
I can`t really talk to boys, my social skills are even worse if it comes to boys. (I am a girl.)
I`m so confused about myself. I am unable to find the reason behind all my problems and when I read about autism I felt like everything made sense in my case. But my parents don`t remember me showing any symptoms other than falling often because my legs were X shaped and coming down the stairs with my head downwards. (I guess on my hands and legs at the same time?) I started to read at 4 or 5 because my brother was in 1st grade when I was in kindergarten. I was already reading children books to other children and even newspapers.
I am very bad at math and history (except if it`s about a topic that interests me.) I practically crammed my way through high school and I had good grades, but I always studied at the last moment and there were maybe 3 subjects that truly interested me: English. Literature, Grammar.
I had friendships but they ended without notice and I always thought I`m not likable enough even though I am a good listener even though I have no idea what to say to comfort the other person. If it comes to message writing, I have more time to think everything over and I can show support. But I often feel like I have no patience or understanding, like I`m practically reluctant to accept other people`s emotions even if they are my loved ones and it scares me because I want to be there for them. But the feeling doesn`t always come naturally with them and I hate it so much. I don`t know how to comfort people when they cry, if they need comfort at all, or hugs or I don`t know. I`m so confusing even to myself.
I can shut down so badly for like 15-20 minutes if I`m mentally exhausted, and when I`m close to burnout, I snap over every tiny thing and I feel incredibly irritable.
There are people I`m clearly not interested about and I just can`t fake it.
I know this is all a mess, I`m so sorry, I don`t know where to go, because I want to get diagnosed to see if I`m on the spectrum but the waiting time is like 2 years and I`m so fixated on this now. Oh, yeah, I have hyperfixation, if I start to get interested in something, there is nothing else I could care about. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time anyway.
I wouldn`t say I`m bad with reading facial expressions, maybe with emotions like joy vs. happiness, but I LOVE analysing mimics and gestures even though I don`t have a lot myself. I love analysing voices, be it singing or talking. I find comfort in voices and different sounds.
I have a couple of teddys I am emotionally bonded to, because I see them as self expression.
I just don`t know who I am, what kind of person I am and I would like to hear if any of you went through the same, feeling like an impostor who only tries to fit in somewhere but is actually no way close to autism. I feel like I either have all kinds of mental disorder at once or I`m autistic.
I`m so sorry for this long mess and thank you for reading it.