Published on 12, July, 2020
Are there resources for adult children of autistic parents? My mother would never consent to be tested or diagnosed, but I am finding she has autism. Is there a place to go for advice? Like Alateen but for autism?
All I really find are resources for NT parents of children with autism, nothing for NT children.
In particular, support would be appreciated on the following topics:
1. Helping my mother navigate stressful and unpredictable situations now that my dad is seriously ill. Understanding that she has autism, makes me want to approach this differently and be more tolerant of vicious outbusts, but what does she really need? What can I expect?
2. How to talk to set healthy boundaries with her as an adult. I don't want to cut her out of my life, but when I try to explain my needs she always goes to the " I guess I am a terrible mother and you should never speak to me again" routine. Bringing up examples from the past of what I needed Vs what I got only spark anger. I know she did the best she could, but how can I get her to understand some behaviours are cruel and need to stop, but I don't hate her? Is there a way to frame issues which increase the chance of a good outcome?
Im 40 and in my first healthy relationship, and I am surprised everyday by having someone who cares to understand me, and who doesn't get aggressive when I am emotional, or don't meet expectations. I have a therapist, but it would help to get autism specific advice for dealing with my mother, especially as my dad is not as available to temper her.
Anyway, if there are resources or discussion groups for adult children of autistic parents, please let me know.
Many thanks
1. Your mother needs time. She needs to know things well in advance, so she can process and prepare without too much anxiety. She won’t like being told anything, or forced. Ask things in a roundabout way instead of direct orders. She went like any changes to her routine, so it will be very hard for her, she may have a meltdown, it isn’t a vicious outburst. She’s in distress and can’t deal with things.
2. She might not understand your needs. She also will be very hurt when you say something to her which is a criticism. She thinks in black and white, and will automatically feel like you are being cruel, even when you’re merely stating you feelings and expressing your thoughts,
I would suggest you who’re the slate clean. Don’t bring up things from the past. I don’t think it will help. I do know you need to say these things to her, but she just won’t get it. I’m not generalising autistic people, I’m just going by what you’ve said in your post.
You are still that child who was bought up quite differently to most. I can only imagine how it must have felt, And now your eyes have been opened in a loving relationship. I get you completely. I’ve replied because I can relate and have a similar situation in a way… Therapy will be very good for you, but I also think you need a little knowledge on Autism in adults. I always recommend this service www.autismandadhd.org. They help all people, diagnosed or not, ND, NT…. If they can’t help, they will find so one who can.
Lastly, I’ll say that I expect your mother does love you, she doesn’t know how to show it. She may not like physical contact, or it might just be too much sensory overload. There’s always a reason for the behaviours. She cannot help being over emotional, or the fact she doesn’t live up to your expectations,… hopefully someone else might reply with some groups you could attend.