Published on 12, July, 2020
I just wanted to say hi as I've been lurking on the discussion boards for a while now. I'm 36 and was diagnosed as autistic a few months ago following a massive burnout/breakdown in which my life collapsed and I was forced to confront all the mental and physical health issues I've tried to ignore for so long. I'm now in a better place but still trying to understand everything. I like reading things from others on the spectrum and it's helping me to process what it means and how to structure my life from now on. However, one of my biggest difficulties is in actively communicating, which I'm assuming isn't unusual, but I wanted to find out whether anyone relates and how other people deal with this?
My issue is, more often than not, I have way too much to say and I can't figure out how to write short replies or posts. When I do attempt to write something, I'll usually end up writing at least 2 or 3 paragraphs, which can take anything between 2 hours and 2 days, depending how much brain fog I have. This 'hyper focus' seems to be the only way I can connect to my internal stream of thought in order to express myself and respond to people. So I end up writing loads. If I don't have the time or space to do this, I get a mind blank and I can't say anything. It's like an all or nothing situation. I find it in speech too. Anyway, sometimes after I've written a mini essay, I get really self conscious and guilty about taking up other people's time, and I delete the whole thing. If I do happen to be able to write a short reply to something, it is probably because I've had the patience and perseverance to edit and cut down my original reply, which can take extra time and energy. Very rarely I can post a short reply quickly. I don't know what causes these incidences and I wish I could make it happen more often, but right now my default state seems to be to write essays and I just don't think this is fair, both for other people reading it, and for me as I have so many other things I could be using that time for. Sometimes I forget to eat or drink or take my eyes off the screen until I've finished a message, which again can be all day, and then I get sick. I'm supposed to be self-employed, but I keep putting off my client work because replying to messages takes so long.
A part of me thinks it would be better if I just avoided trying to communicate at all. Like tape my mouth shut, but in writing. I feel really bad when someone replies to my post, and I can't reply back for a few days. Sometimes it can take me weeks before I have the energy to devote to replying and by that point the conversation has passed and is probably no longer relevant. So to avoid disappointment, I usually hide and lurk, or only comment on the odd thing I know I can keep my reply short. But I always have so much to say. When I read other people's posts, they set off huge detailed discussions in my brain. Which can be a good thing for processing and understanding concepts, but also akin to information overload. Sometimes it feels easier if I know I don't have to interact with other people and I can just keep this process to myself and move on. But that also feels kind of selfish?
In general neurotypical forums, I've often been given the advice to not say too much or overthink things. But it's just how my brain works. So I've stopped posting in those forums now. It's not that I don't want to figure out how to do the short reply thing, it's just that no-one's given me any advice yet other than "don't write too much" and that doesn't help. At my assessment, my psychologist said I am good at communication, but not good at reciprocal communication (still trying to process what that means.. I think I did lots of 'monologues' and not enough 'chats'). Anyway sometimes I wonder why I'm even on discussion boards in the first place. But I think there's a want, to be able to communicate reciprocally. I just can't figure it out, so I'm sorry in advance if I write too much or too little. This is the first time in life I've found a group of people I actually want to talk to and maybe feel safe being myself so maybe everything's coming out all at once. I hope this makes some kind of sense! Thank you for your patience.
Hi! Please don't worry about writing too little or too much! There is no right or wrong way of replying and it would be so sad if worrying about writing the 'wrong' thing would make you not share your thoughts- I like reading all replies, short or long and I am for sure not put off by a long reply- I quite like that. I love detail too and am not the best at being concise- so I can relate to worrying about writing too much- at the beginning I worried much more about what I wrote, but this community is so welcoming, non-judgmental and kind so I am becoming more and more at ease at joining in. I would have replied sooner to this post (I saw it in the middle of the night), but I only just got settled at home- It would be so sad if you didn't talk to people on here because of these worries- so please write if you feel like it :) and no pressure to reply if you don't have time or don't feel like it :)
Hi thank you for your reply and encouragement! That is a positive way of seeing things. I agree that I actually like it when other people write long messages, or even short messages if you can tell they've put a lot of genuine thought into what they say. I appreciate it. So maybe I need to try and extend that to myself as well and trust that the right people will respect and appreciate what I have to offer. I know it's not as black and white as this, but I find it interesting how neurotypical 'rules' might see writing a lot as rambling or indulgent, whereas I've found autistic people call it detailed, and not in a bad way. I also find there is more patience, for taking a while to respond. Maybe this is because we can relate to the struggle? Or maybe it's that having the autistic label brings more self-acceptance - so it's more about the way we feel about ourselves? Being diagnosed has been a really good thing for me, but it's also made me realise these things about myself more. Maybe I have the opportunity to change my judgments now, in a safe space, and then things might get easier in neurotypical spaces too? I hope so. I will try and be more authentic. It helps having positive feedback like yours. But also I am going to try not to take so much time writing messages as I have to do other things! It's a weird balance. Ok clicking send now before I overthink!