Published on 12, July, 2020
I just wanted to say hi as I've been lurking on the discussion boards for a while now. I'm 36 and was diagnosed as autistic a few months ago following a massive burnout/breakdown in which my life collapsed and I was forced to confront all the mental and physical health issues I've tried to ignore for so long. I'm now in a better place but still trying to understand everything. I like reading things from others on the spectrum and it's helping me to process what it means and how to structure my life from now on. However, one of my biggest difficulties is in actively communicating, which I'm assuming isn't unusual, but I wanted to find out whether anyone relates and how other people deal with this?
My issue is, more often than not, I have way too much to say and I can't figure out how to write short replies or posts. When I do attempt to write something, I'll usually end up writing at least 2 or 3 paragraphs, which can take anything between 2 hours and 2 days, depending how much brain fog I have. This 'hyper focus' seems to be the only way I can connect to my internal stream of thought in order to express myself and respond to people. So I end up writing loads. If I don't have the time or space to do this, I get a mind blank and I can't say anything. It's like an all or nothing situation. I find it in speech too. Anyway, sometimes after I've written a mini essay, I get really self conscious and guilty about taking up other people's time, and I delete the whole thing. If I do happen to be able to write a short reply to something, it is probably because I've had the patience and perseverance to edit and cut down my original reply, which can take extra time and energy. Very rarely I can post a short reply quickly. I don't know what causes these incidences and I wish I could make it happen more often, but right now my default state seems to be to write essays and I just don't think this is fair, both for other people reading it, and for me as I have so many other things I could be using that time for. Sometimes I forget to eat or drink or take my eyes off the screen until I've finished a message, which again can be all day, and then I get sick. I'm supposed to be self-employed, but I keep putting off my client work because replying to messages takes so long.
A part of me thinks it would be better if I just avoided trying to communicate at all. Like tape my mouth shut, but in writing. I feel really bad when someone replies to my post, and I can't reply back for a few days. Sometimes it can take me weeks before I have the energy to devote to replying and by that point the conversation has passed and is probably no longer relevant. So to avoid disappointment, I usually hide and lurk, or only comment on the odd thing I know I can keep my reply short. But I always have so much to say. When I read other people's posts, they set off huge detailed discussions in my brain. Which can be a good thing for processing and understanding concepts, but also akin to information overload. Sometimes it feels easier if I know I don't have to interact with other people and I can just keep this process to myself and move on. But that also feels kind of selfish?
In general neurotypical forums, I've often been given the advice to not say too much or overthink things. But it's just how my brain works. So I've stopped posting in those forums now. It's not that I don't want to figure out how to do the short reply thing, it's just that no-one's given me any advice yet other than "don't write too much" and that doesn't help. At my assessment, my psychologist said I am good at communication, but not good at reciprocal communication (still trying to process what that means.. I think I did lots of 'monologues' and not enough 'chats'). Anyway sometimes I wonder why I'm even on discussion boards in the first place. But I think there's a want, to be able to communicate reciprocally. I just can't figure it out, so I'm sorry in advance if I write too much or too little. This is the first time in life I've found a group of people I actually want to talk to and maybe feel safe being myself so maybe everything's coming out all at once. I hope this makes some kind of sense! Thank you for your patience.
Triple Bluff!
I was being more myself. I'd have had to click on the link to be certain, and I won't do that if I think it's spam.
OTOH, since I am fairly sure, then placing a warning seems the right cause of action.
It IS SPAM.
(I know you're being ironic, by the way)
"If you pass through Hell, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)
THIS looks like SPAM to me...
[spam removed]
Hi just wanted to say this really resonates with me so don't feel alone with it , I also have had people that I mean to reply to for ages but know id have to have a lot of energy and focus writing a long detailed reply but sometimes 3 months goes by and I think it's too late and do nothing , but I still think about them.
I agree with you!
Agry with you!
Hello and don't worry, more practice, and all will be great.
I understand where you're coming from. But please don't worry. Reply how you want to. There's no right or wrong way to reply to a post. We each have our own unique way and I think that's a good thing. I don't reply to every post I see, sometimes I go to but worry my reply isn't helpful or good enough so I don't.
Keep going. Your doing really well :)
Hi everyone this is NAS75625. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your replies and hopefully maybe I'll get round to answering them individually. I reflected on each one and there are some really great suggestions.
I'm writing from a new account as I got locked out of my old one. This is the second time it's happened, and the first time I couldn't access my account for months, and it was a real hassle trying to get it back. I don't do computers very well, and I don't really have the time or energy to be faffing around. So as much as I'd love to continue posting, this is just another reason to avoid interacting, so I'm sorry if I can't be as present as I'd hoped.
I don't really feel confident posting if I'm going to suddenly be locked out again, as I only have so many new email addresses I can use. Back to figuring things out for myself, but I do really appreciate reading these forums and thank you for your kind comments and understanding.
Hi, firstly got to say this is my second attempt at replying, didn't post my first message as, ironically, i thought I hadn't written enough.
As many have said on here, it really doesn't matter whether you type lots or a lesser amount. I am learning this myself. I've found it to be a really supportive community. As for writing too much, I don't think you should worry, this is the one place where I think people appreciate the more in depth responses. That said, I do sometimes struggle to write as much as people on here, and sometimes worry the people reading my responses will be disappointed, this is something I will hopefully get over, as it has stopped me engaging with forums in the past.
The point that i sperg made about paragraphs is one that I would second, as personally, I struggle to follow very large chunks of writing.
in conclusion I would say, just keep engaging with the community, whether long or short posts. seems like you have a lot to offer on here.
I also I feel I write too much in comments and posts. I worry about it less than I used to, though. Now I tend to feel that if people want to skip something I've written, that's their right, and if they want to read it, that's fine. Either way, it's their choice and nothing I need to apologise for. I do prefer to write on my blog, though, as I feel more comfortable if I go off-topic or write at length.
It gets better with practice.
I'm trying to get better at using paragraphs and chopping out unnecessary stuff, repetition, or distraction.
And communication on boards can be very uplifting. There are some really nice people here as well as a sprinkling of jerks, like myself, or even a few who are more offensive occasionally pop up.
There are a few misguided souls who come here to play silly games, but there's a rich resource of people who also come here to share what they know and try to help people out at all levels of the experience. A different "game" entirely.
I wrote a handy forum survival guide a while back if you find yourself getting out of your depth, a state often indicated by the sufferer feeling an abnormally strong urge to respond straight away a quick search of the forum will reveal it before that gets out of hand..
It's taken me 2 years to get to a more balanced state where I don't go on about "Muh Autism" all the time, but I only found out in my late fifties and it's been a big deal. It's freed me from a lot of misunderstandings, and my brain has been busy integrating the information and making new connections.
It's good to read the success stories here, because you can some times learn from them or at least enjoy their success vicariously, (if it can happen to them it could happen to me) and sometimes you see someone describing an issue you have manged to subdue, and you just KNOW you can save most of 'em a couple of decades of struggle with that issue by telling 'em how you eventually solved it.
I found that my old troubles, and childhood or young adult horrible situations now have VALUE occasionally to others, and it kinda takes the sting out of a bad memory if it ends up making a new one where recounting it helped someone else...
Hi thank you for your reply and encouragement! That is a positive way of seeing things. I agree that I actually like it when other people write long messages, or even short messages if you can tell they've put a lot of genuine thought into what they say. I appreciate it. So maybe I need to try and extend that to myself as well and trust that the right people will respect and appreciate what I have to offer. I know it's not as black and white as this, but I find it interesting how neurotypical 'rules' might see writing a lot as rambling or indulgent, whereas I've found autistic people call it detailed, and not in a bad way. I also find there is more patience, for taking a while to respond. Maybe this is because we can relate to the struggle? Or maybe it's that having the autistic label brings more self-acceptance - so it's more about the way we feel about ourselves? Being diagnosed has been a really good thing for me, but it's also made me realise these things about myself more. Maybe I have the opportunity to change my judgments now, in a safe space, and then things might get easier in neurotypical spaces too? I hope so. I will try and be more authentic. It helps having positive feedback like yours. But also I am going to try not to take so much time writing messages as I have to do other things! It's a weird balance. Ok clicking send now before I overthink!
Thank you for your reply!
I do a lot of re-writing and re-reading too. It's infuriating sometimes, but I do get a sense of accomplishment when I've successfully completed something and it says more or less what I want it to. There might be a degree of perfectionism involved, but I think when you get misunderstood or misinterpreted quite a lot, it can make you extra worried about communicating the right thing. Happens more often with people we don't know or in formal occasions I think. You haven't misinterpreted my post though - in fact, your suggestion is a really good one!
Maybe you're right, I guess we don't always have to 'correct ourselves,' and sometimes it can save a lot of time and hassle just allowing other people to tell us if we've misinterpreted, so just go with our initial response, rather than trying to second guess what is required. Some people might be mean about it, but maybe the majority will be kind.
I am actually going to try your idea about making myself press send when I start to feel it's taking too much time. I think I usually get that feeling at some point. Like around now. It varies for each message. The trouble is, I often then don't know how to end something, but maybe I just need to say something like "thanks, that's it for now?"
Though I will add that I especially appreciate your inclusion of the issue of deferred replies to replies while you try to go from ‘nothing’ to ‘all’ and a thread starts to slip into dormancy. I have a thread or two like that in mind that I feel impolite to have stepped away from while I get ready to deep-dive into proper thank yous and engagement/development of the insightful things said. I have to somehow take a run up to something I know will again take up my focus for an afternoon or morning. I want it to, or rather I see no other way, but im not yet past the point of daunted inertia about getting there.
I can massively relate to so much of that. Ironically I’m saying so via one of my very few concise posts. Only because you’ve so comprehensively covered the nuances that all I can do is basically say ‘^This’
Hi! Please don't worry about writing too little or too much! There is no right or wrong way of replying and it would be so sad if worrying about writing the 'wrong' thing would make you not share your thoughts- I like reading all replies, short or long and I am for sure not put off by a long reply- I quite like that. I love detail too and am not the best at being concise- so I can relate to worrying about writing too much- at the beginning I worried much more about what I wrote, but this community is so welcoming, non-judgmental and kind so I am becoming more and more at ease at joining in. I would have replied sooner to this post (I saw it in the middle of the night), but I only just got settled at home- It would be so sad if you didn't talk to people on here because of these worries- so please write if you feel like it :) and no pressure to reply if you don't have time or don't feel like it :)