14 Year old daughter

As a mother, I feel this pain. As an Autist who had a mother who didn't understand her, I have experience being young without the language to communicate the problem. 

I spent my 30s diving into psychoanalytical understanding not knowing I had an autistic-analytic brain. We are wired very differently.

First of all, it's good to remember you're not her competitor. Our job as parents is always the mentor, never the equal. It's not my sons job to be my therapist. It's mine to accumulate wisdom enough to help him and now he's 25, I'm still in that role. Watching my grandparents with my father I don't doubt I'll ever leave that role.

I would stop trying to make her understand and start trying to understand her. Autism doesn't come and go. It's a complex different way of experiencing and understanding the world. We don't compete. And it is the one way to lose trust with children. 

We now have neurological proof that the Autistic brain is impacted intensely by emotions and senses. From what I've found, our Beta Waves oscillate different than Neurotypical brains. This is 1 part of the key reason we cannot just 'dull' our senses or get 'used to' a thing (the other has to do with language). We are impacted by external sensory - smell, taste, sound, lights, atmosphere, etc. and internal sensory including Emotion. It IS intense. Thus, the only way to find a balanced 'sense of being' is: 1. Change my environment so I'm not constantly battling external sensory impact and continually frustrated. 2. Learn matters of wisdom, ethics, relationships, boundaries, what is abusive and what is 'life'. How to invest and how to set standards. How to earn and allow others to earn my trust and how to spot a sociopath. I cannot tell you how absolutely necessary this is for her emotional well-being. I read The Artists Way. I took yoga classes. I went to church. I did anything I could to find principles of being. I found a balanced sense of being finally around 35. I didn't discover autism until my 40s.

Feelings and Emotions are a response to our internal Perceptions of the world, plus our beliefs of those perceptions add a Real Impact. If someone provokes me, I should feel something. The degree of that will be determined by a context. If it's intentional or abusive (a partner or a parent or friend), it will sever trust and if I'm too young to know better I may think it's my fault or I'm not worth much which could cause unnecessary trauma. If I'm old enough to recognise it for what it is, I may feel angry or I may snap and suddenly recognise this behaviour is not worth my time and sever the connexion. Now. this context changes entirely if it's from a 5 year old.

One thing that has made it easy for my son to become so much more emotionally stable at 25 than I ever could've been, is I have done this hard work which he seems to just pick up. He battled these extremes in his teenage years. Once his father passed away and I was able to be around him more often, the hard work I'd been doing to grow emotionally and psychologically just dusted off onto him. My job is to simply help build a platform for him to dive off of. 

Taking away things won't fix these problems. Daughters need to feel protected and understood. That is repeatedly the most impactful and soul-crushing experience most Autistics express by 30. From her stand point, she might feel no one empathises with her. And in this society, which hinges on fairness, humans pay forward how they're treated. But deep down, autistics don't desire to Constantly Live feeling Isolated and 'Shielding', or always in a sort of Survival Mode. We need to thrive. Even plants have a nursery, our children need the same. 

We cannot force a process. Nor cut it short. x

As a mother, I feel this pain. As an Autist who had a mother who didn't understand her, I have experience being young without the language to communicate the problem. 

I spent my 30s diving into psychoanalytical understanding not knowing I had an autistic-analytic brain. We are wired very differently.

First of all, it's good to remember you're not her competitor. Our job as parents is always the mentor, never the equal. It's not my sons job to be my therapist. It's mine to accumulate wisdom enough to help him and now he's 25, I'm still in that role. Watching my grandparents with my father I don't doubt I'll ever leave that role.

I would stop trying to make her understand and start trying to understand her. Autism doesn't come and go. It's a complex different way of experiencing and understanding the world. We don't compete. And it is the one way to lose trust with children. 

We now have neurological proof that the Autistic brain is impacted intensely by emotions and senses. From what I've found, our Beta Waves oscillate different than Neurotypical brains. This is 1 part of the key reason we cannot just 'dull' our senses or get 'used to' a thing (the other has to do with language). We are impacted by external sensory - smell, taste, sound, lights, atmosphere, etc. and internal sensory including Emotion. It IS intense. Thus, the only way to find a balanced 'sense of being' is: 1. Change my environment so I'm not constantly battling external sensory impact and continually frustrated. 2. Learn matters of wisdom, ethics, relationships, boundaries, what is abusive and what is 'life'. How to invest and how to set standards. How to earn and allow others to earn my trust and how to spot a sociopath. I cannot tell you how absolutely necessary this is for her emotional well-being. I read The Artists Way. I took yoga classes. I went to church. I did anything I could to find principles of being. I found a balanced sense of being finally around 35. I didn't discover autism until my 40s.

Feelings and Emotions are a response to our internal Perceptions of the world, plus our beliefs of those perceptions add a Real Impact. If someone provokes me, I should feel something. The degree of that will be determined by a context. If it's intentional or abusive (a partner or a parent or friend), it will sever trust and if I'm too young to know better I may think it's my fault or I'm not worth much which could cause unnecessary trauma. If I'm old enough to recognise it for what it is, I may feel angry or I may snap and suddenly recognise this behaviour is not worth my time and sever the connexion. Now. this context changes entirely if it's from a 5 year old.

One thing that has made it easy for my son to become so much more emotionally stable at 25 than I ever could've been, is I have done this hard work which he seems to just pick up. He battled these extremes in his teenage years. Once his father passed away and I was able to be around him more often, the hard work I'd been doing to grow emotionally and psychologically just dusted off onto him. My job is to simply help build a platform for him to dive off of. 

Taking away things won't fix these problems. Daughters need to feel protected and understood. That is repeatedly the most impactful and soul-crushing experience most Autistics express by 30. From her stand point, she might feel no one empathises with her. And in this society, which hinges on fairness, humans pay forward how they're treated. But deep down, autistics don't desire to Constantly Live feeling Isolated and 'Shielding', or always in a sort of Survival Mode. We need to thrive. Even plants have a nursery, our children need the same. 

We cannot force a process. Nor cut it short. x

Try not to have ‘battles’ with your daughter. She is not your enemy to have ‘battles’ with. She needs to feel entirely secure that she has  your unconditional love and support. 

I think what you’ve here (juniper) is amazing. Very insightful. 

I have a copy of The Artist's Way. 

I don’t think I really understand all of this. 
I don’t think I can ever properly understand how she thinks, as I can never put myself in that situation unfortunately. But I do understand she thinks differently and pick my battles accordingly to this. 

Regardless of having autism or any disability I would still feel that you need to be mindful of hurting other peoples feelings. Which is what she did do here. 

I don’t want her growing up thinking you can upset people and blame autism. I wouldn’t accept the behaviour from my 3 other children. They all have different needs but I don’t believe it’s ever right to hurt and upset someone else. 

The parent of the upset child wanted me to take my daughter to have a chat with hers. I didn’t agree to this as I knew my daughter wouldn’t talk or be able to verbally put into words why or how she was feeling.