Published on 12, July, 2020
Hii there, I'm Poppy. I'm autistic and struggling with a lot of things in life like extreme anxiety which then causes discomfort and sickness which is not pleasant at all. I'm oversensitive to a few things, light, sound, smell, that all makes things hard like going into bright sunshine lol like a vampire and can't really do any hoovering at the moment. I'm friendless because I'm no good with people and because my anxiety is restrictive in that way. In recent years I've had a few health problems with the family and this showed me how dependent I am on them. It's ok at the moment but if someone dies I'll be in a tricky situation so I want to try and become more independent, who knows in the end I might even be able to get a job and look at dating possibly. One thing I have thought of trying is going to my towns community centre, just to help out, chat and so on. I imagine that will cause extreme anxiety, maybe panic attack as well. But if it helps me adjust and become more independent then I may have to do it. I love my family and life at the moment is ok, but only because I have my family. When they're gone I'm going to be on my own and unprepared for life and the adult parts of it. It's like I'm 26 and I can't even do shopping on my own yet. Don't have a bank account. Don't drive. Don't work. I rarely go out and when I do I struggle to breathe and my hands tremble and people stare at me which makes me even more anxious.
Does anyone else have experience of doing things on their own? Any tips for me would be handy just so I can try make it a little easier when I try things :)
Hi Poppy!
I apologise for the long message - if you want me to clarify anything, please do let me know!
Just in my own experience, I've found it much easier to be friends with autistic people - interacting is so much easier. Perhaps you may have a similar experience. I find it incredibly difficult and often frustrating to talk to some non-autistic people. So, you may not actually be 'no good with people' but just haven't yet found the right group of people who share your communication styles and interests.
To some degree, I would advise you to be honest with yourself about what is (and isn't) in your comfort zone and how far those boundaries extend. With the right support you will be able to push out of your comfort zone but you should remember to not push yourself too far otherwise you might start to suffer from poor mental health. From my own experience, I go to an autistic in-person social group once per month and this is enough for me; that pushes my boundaries but I am able to cope with it.
Some practical advice that I would give is to create detailed plans beforehand and establish new routines. Writing these down or having them handy on your mobile phone is helpful too. If I'm going somewhere new, I will create a document which details, for instance, train times, directions and images on Google Maps, and even landmarks to identify along the way. All of this goes toward creating a sense of certainty, predictability, and control.
When I first started university, my father and I would travel to the university two or three times in advance of my first day (he always refers to them as 'dummy runs') just so that I knew where I was going and what to expect. Then, I was able to travel by myself and did that a few times before I actually started.
With my classes, I always find the rooms days or hours in advance of the actual class - even when this means coming into university on my days off, so there was no stress associated with being late (one of my biggest anxieties). In fact, I use my over-thinking to my advantage by anticipating what could go wrong. When I started postgraduate study at a new university, I had this very problem: difficulty finding a classroom. Anticipating this, I created some scripts of what I could say, such as:
"Excuse me, I'm looking for this classroom, could you point me in the right direction?"
You learn some things from experience, such as that the cleaning workers at the university are incredibly friendly and always happy to help. I also knew where the help desks and information areas were so I could always go and ask there.
The final piece of advice I would give is to not hold yourself to non-autistic social standards - it's very difficult for us autistic people to achieve (because we are fundamentally different) and often affects our mental health doing so! Not being able to do certain things is not a 'bad' things - often this is just how it is for us in a world that is not designed for us!
With shopping, there are ways to do this without creating huge anxieties - after all, you can easily purchase your groceries online and have them delivered to your house and that requires little effort. Now, you may actually want to do shopping in person and certain strategies can be created for doing that, such as seeing when supermarkets are quiet or if they have specially designated quiet hours (see this article https://www.lovemoney.com/news/120223/quiet-hour-when-to-shop-at-asda-morrisons-and-tesco-calmer-shopping-autism-awareness). You may also use some noise cancellation headphones and sunglasses to block out noise and light respectively, since you are sensitive to those things.
If I were you, I'd try to break these down into smaller steps and put them into a system. Things like gaining employment require quite a lot of energy so perhaps it is better to start with some tasks which have lower energy requirements and build your confidence, again, such as shopping and getting a bank account. Further useful information about managing money is available here:https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/benefits-and-money/personal-finances/managing-money
I really hope this helps,
- Sp. Oc.
Agree with everything Space Octopus says above - great advice :)
There are lots of ways of making these things a little easier - it’s just a matter of trying different strategies. And also important not to blame yourself for finding things difficult.