Published on 12, July, 2020
My daughter is 16 and struggles both emotionally and socially. Although she is high functioning, her awkwardness, that I once thought was part of her character now seems unusual compared with other teenagers of her age. Could she be autistic? I have listed her symptoms below.- E has a resentment of any physical contact . Since birth she has hated having her hair and teeth brushed, nails cut and any soap, shampoos or cream being applied. This has resulted in screaming uncontrollably.. Although E has learnt to tolerate some of the necessary daily hygiene routines, she still has a strong dislike to water going over her face. Therefore I am still washing her hair and have to have a towel at hand every time a drop of water goes near her eyes. She has also never kissed me and won’t accept a hug unless on her terms.
- E has no sense of smell. Something she has been medically examined for and couldn’t find any reason for.
- She only eats certain textures of foods with no spices and finds it traumatic if anyone tries to persuade her to eat something she doesn’t want to. As an baby she refused milk , by the time she had nearly finished a bottle it was time for her next one. This continued with solids. E would store food in her mouth like a hamster and then would spit it out at the end of feeding. Her diet, until the age of 10 was very limited and at one point she only ate plain pasta and fruit.
- E can hear conversations in the background from a distance and struggles if too much noise.
- she is sensitive to lighting and cannot focus on any details if the background is bright.
- E struggles to form and maintain friendships. She sometimes doesn’t understand the rules of friendship and finds it easier to make friends with girls a couple of years younger than her. She copes better one to one or in small groups.
- She doesn’t show the same empathy as others. For example when I was once ill I called an ambulance. E woke her brother as requested by me to let the paramedics in, she didn’t ask if I was ok, nor show any concern. She said excuse me to the paramedics so she could get her school top and waved goodbye to me when I was in the ambulance and went to school. E can’t understand others feelings and focuses solely on her own.
- E has anxiety, especially when dealing with social and things she needs to complete. As a child she found it impossible to speak to adults , resulting in some people thinking she was ignorant.
- Her thinking is black or white, there is no reasoning or compromise.
- She has extreme meltdowns over things that may seem stupid to others. They go from 0-10 in a matter of seconds and it’s difficult to calm her down or reason with her.
- E often questions what is wrong with her, why doesn’t she fit in and what is the point of her being here.
- She struggles with change of routine and transition. E has struggled with this throughout her schooling. She has been reluctant to give up childhood routines at home such as tucking her in at night and still often requests this.
As a mother and someone who is autistic, here are some suggestions:
Most likely zero to full meltdown in seconds is either because we've failed to communicate a thing on repeat and it's built up. Young autistics cannot be forced they require a good deal of patience as language and interoception can be incredibly difficult (even if we seem proficient). An explosion is usually from an unresolved recurring issue, unrelenting frustration, or being battered about by sensory stimuli that feels oppressive- one more thing piled on top and boom. When I was young I experienced constant abuse. I was called apathetic. But after some therapy and good mentoring in my late teens, I realised I was incredibly withdrawn. it was a survival mechanism from not just a narcissistic parent but from a world that was not Autistic friendly. I couldn't relate very well to others, to start. There was an inconsistency between what individuals would say and what they'd do (a lack of integrity), and from my point of view their priorities and ethics were upside down. And if others and the environment feel oppressive, abusive, cruel (not everyone, mind you) it can seem like this is the natural state for everyone. Empathy has been widely misused, unfortunately. I was very sensitive and compassionate. By psychological terms, a sociopath is Very Empathetic but not compassionate. autistic individuals don't have the social skills and 99% of the time lack the desire to manipulate (it's a completely different way of thinking), we're prey to these types and cannot ever be sociopaths.
Most likely much of this may be eased by creating a safe space. Usually re-thinking everything she's surrounded by in terms of human-friendly can help. Clothing: buy natural fabrics (not polyester which is made from petroleum and in another form is plastic). Use unscented cleaning agents and candles, never plug-ins or air fresheners). LED lights work by turning off and of at a high rate: it's unnatural to the human eye and those of us sensitive to this will either see it or feel like someone is rapidly poking us or have trouble breathing. Not only that, but the spectrum emitted is unnatural as well, so after some time even turning on more LEDs, things still may be blurry. part of the spectrum the human eye uses to see contrast is missing from LEDs.
I'd change all her lighting in her bedroom to energy efficient halogen. Buy a few table lamps that work with halogen & stock up on bulbs. They are legal and will always be available for light sensitive individuals https://lightaware.org Some of us cannot desensitise and LEDs do not mimic the sun. Filament bulbs do. Rock salt lamps can break up LEDs nicely tho.
As for sound, small ear plugs like thee https://www.etymotic.com/product/etyplugs-high-fidelity-earplugs/ block out background noise (the blue ones are for smaller ears). But learning to focus on a conversation with conscious intention as the world gets louder might take a theatre class, which can teach her to use a natural focus. You can also download a decibel reader on your phone. Some levels in public spaces are at deafening levels.
Balance can be something difficult for us. Yoga (and similar kinetic movement) is perfect for aiding this. When she learns how to intricately focus on and use each muscle she may then be better at other forms of sport. If she's good at geometry, yoga may be amazing for her. But give her several years with yoga before learning something requiring more balance.
NAS78306 said:complains of joint pain, headaches, sore throat and stomach pain. E often has constipation.
This is of grave concern. Many of us have auto-immune disorders. I have a gluten allegory and an allergy to beans/high fibre veg. What most people need to help them stay regular will not just give me constipation, but it could kill me. I would get her tested and allow her fibre to come from fruit and iceberg lettuce. My diet at this point is similar to a FODMAP diet. Corn, Rice and gf Oats are the only grains I can have. You could try getting her corn and rice pasta. But many gluten free breads are being made for people who want to lose weight and have added fibres I cannot eat. I just use a gluten free white bread flour (brown will cause problems) and make my own.
As for reading, maybe take her to a bookstore and allow her to gravitate to whatever she finds interesting. My son is dyslexic. Allowing him to play adventure video games when he was young helped him with reading. She may like graphic novels or books on architecture. I'd encourage what ever she gravitates toward. But a dyslexic is quite gifted in other ways. Their brains are wired different. In fact many professional composers who I know personally are dyslexic.
NAS78306 said:Her need to for me to be constantly at her side whenever she wants me is overwhelming and she cannot understand if I can’t be there for her for any reason, including work commitments
Kids simply need to know we WANT to be there for them. The more you tell her "I want to but I'm out today. Let's make a plan for this time" (be particular and always follow through) if you cannot give a specific time and be punctual, give a set amount of time 'later in the day' like a half hour. Always be available. If it's too much, just be the first to ask - do the opposite of what you 'feel' it works wonders eventually. I noticed the more something was available the less my son needed it.
Thank you for your reply. I have been in contact with her gp today and she agrees she has many traits of autism. My daughter has been referred for screening but doesn’t know how long this will take. I can’t discuss this properly with her school as she hasn’t attended this year because of her difficulties. I wrote my post because I wanted some form of reassurance that what she is displaying is a possible sign of autism and she is not just being just an awkward teenager.
Thanks for your reply. I have been in contact with her gp today and she agrees she has many traits of autism. My daughter has been referred for screening but doesn’t know how long this will take. I can’t discuss this properly with her school as she hasn’t attended this year because of her difficulties. I wrote my post because I wanted some form of reassurance that I’m not going mad and what she is displaying is a possible sign of autism.
Thank you for your response. I have spoken to a gp today and she does think my daughter has many traits of autism and has referred her for screening. However she doesn’t know how long this could take. This is why I asked the question. I just wanted confirmation that I was on the right track with my observations. I will look into your recommendations.
Everything you’ve listed is common among autistic people, but as Blue and GuybrushThreepwood have said, it will be better turning to a professional instead of just taking our word for it.
The waiting list can be pretty long depending where you live, here on The National Autistic Society’s website they provide good advice and I’ve seen some effective and informative videos by the NAS on YouTube, they show how we can feel, if you type “Can You Make It To The End?” on YouTube it should bring a video of an autistic boy walking through a shopping mall showing how painful and disturbing sensory issues can be.
While waiting it can be helpful to use any advice you find here. Nearly all autistic people have another condition besides their autism, dyslexia is a common one many autistic people have, I have learning disabilities and epilepsy as well as being autistic.
Blue is right, we can’t answer your question here you need to discuss with her, her school SEN team and your GP. She is displaying quite a lot of traits but they overlap between conditions. She needs to be properly assessed
Don’t ask us, go talk to your daughter about the possibility and go and make an appointment.
If she turns out not to be on autism spectrum after the assessment they may point you in the right direction like ADHD, OCD, CPTSD.
what you’ve said in the post, then yes. She is showing a lot of behaviours and processes that indicate she is neurological divergent.
yours sincerely
cynical blue.