First time help - suspected but no diagnosis

Hi,

I don’t really know where to begin or where to start.

i am the parent of a soon to be 12 year old boy, who has always had some developmental delay, struggles with emotional maturity consistent with his age and has reasonably severe hyper mobility.

At primary school he had a good Senco team and strategies to help him cope when he got overwhelmed.  I never progressed a formal assessment as we coped and nothing was significant enough a problem to push. I also worried that a diagnosis would label him and cause him difficulties growing up 

Now he’s at secondary school and he is struggling.  He has tried to explain his feeling of being overwhelmed and was told he was making excuses.  He struggles to undertake instructions first time causing confusion and frustration and a downward spiral of behaviour.  In particular we have issues in one subject which is led by a “shouty” teacher and he explains knots in his stomach and headaches when he’s there.  I assume classic anxiety?!  He also gets shouted at as the first point of call when trying to explain he’s struggling to concentrate that leads into him locking horns with the teacher in outwards signs of defiance.

im am receiving mixed messages about his behaviour in other classes.  I was told it was just this subject and lots of positives in other subjects on Friday - but today was told his conduct across the piece is in question.  I have tried to explain what he told me about feeling anxious and not being able to control his body in the moment and the response I’ve had is that when another teacher enters the room he complies so be obviously is picking and choosing when to behave.

I feel he is being labelled a bad kid, rather than then working with me to help with the triggers.

compare to his older brother, who I believe had the usual teenage defiance and hormones, he is very different.  He is emotionally distraught after an outburst to the point his is physically shaking.  His brother having an tantrum didn’t care. At home we have issues with him not bearing to be touched as it hurts - I can’t even hug him, and he will randomly laugh inappropriately, lacks concentration and has to be told the same thing a few times to check he understands.  Given we see this at home I’m distressed by the schools view of excuses and him having control, they also referred to him as being my baby - suggesting they think I’m neurotic and also making excuses.

All that said, I know he isn’t always an angel.  What child actually is?!  I just want to get him the right support to have the best start in life.  I suspect the school will not even consider helping me to do this with any formal assessment as they simply categorise him as a bad kid.

please, any advice or suggestions on where to start to get help?  I am lost and feel helpless as a mum right now.