Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I think I may be on the autistic spectrum, but I am not sure and am struggling to get any help from my GP.
Last year I started to suffer from depression for no apparent reason. A lot of the negative thoughts were focussed on having not fit in anywhere through my life, and a lot of the trauma of childhood bullying resurfaced. When I discussed this and asked if I could be on the spectrum I was shot down as 'I was displaying far too high an awareness of my emotions to be on the spectrum'. Equally when in talking therapy I raised this and was told that I was more likely displaying signs of 'learned behaviour'.
On the other side I have a loving and caring partner who has teaching specialism for SEN. She has helped me understand the way I feel in certain situations, and provided some basic information for me. We completed the AQ tests, I answered as I would and she completed one for me anticipating what I would say. They both came out around 40 points.
I've always struggled to maintain friendships other than a few longterm close friends from certain points in life. While others can talk endlessly about nothing, I struggle for conversation after a few talking points, I find that people would rather avoid me than engage in conversation. If the conversation is lively I never know when to speak, or how to interject in to the conversation. By the time I have worked it out the conversation has moved on so I just stay quiet, or I interrupt which doesn't go down well. However, give me a subject i know about and I will talk endlessly to the point others are bored, but struggle to identify when that point has arrived.
With work I find it hard to work in what my managers call the 'grey', they have deemed me to be a black and white person who is incapable of inferring subtleties of a request. From my side I don't understand why people can't just say what they want? Worse I can get hung up on subjects, or ideas, often to the point that others are sick of hearing it. I quite often get told that I can't fix the business so I should stop. I don't mean too, I just can't but help notice when things are wrong.
At this point I am not sure what to do, or where to turn. Part of me thinks to just let it all slide. I've copped for 32 years without a diagnosis, what benefit will it bring? Then there are other times when I can't make sense of a situation at work, home, or a random altercation and everything comes back to the fore.
I feel a diagnosis would give me a bit of room to breath, I wouldn't constantly feel on the edge at work worrying if I have inadvertently offended someone without realising, or missed something in an email that was implied rather than explicitly detailed.
If I do not have ASD then fine, but my world would make a lot less sense than it has with my more recent understanding of how autism affects everyday life.
Sorry for the longish rambling post. I find it incredibly hard to write about myself.
J.
It can be difficult to be taken seriously when seeking referral or diagnosis.
Many people brushed it off until I actually got a diagnosis. Fortunately, my GP was receptive, but I did go to them with a bag full of surveys, tests, anecdotes etc. They referred me straight away.
Collect as much info as possible and try to make a strong case. Be insistent and persistent.
Also check out the RAADS-R questionnaire as it's often used for the diagnostic process.
If all else fails, you can always go private, but that can get expensive and it might not always be accepted by the NHS from what I've read.