Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I think I may be on the autistic spectrum, but I am not sure and am struggling to get any help from my GP.
Last year I started to suffer from depression for no apparent reason. A lot of the negative thoughts were focussed on having not fit in anywhere through my life, and a lot of the trauma of childhood bullying resurfaced. When I discussed this and asked if I could be on the spectrum I was shot down as 'I was displaying far too high an awareness of my emotions to be on the spectrum'. Equally when in talking therapy I raised this and was told that I was more likely displaying signs of 'learned behaviour'.
On the other side I have a loving and caring partner who has teaching specialism for SEN. She has helped me understand the way I feel in certain situations, and provided some basic information for me. We completed the AQ tests, I answered as I would and she completed one for me anticipating what I would say. They both came out around 40 points.
I've always struggled to maintain friendships other than a few longterm close friends from certain points in life. While others can talk endlessly about nothing, I struggle for conversation after a few talking points, I find that people would rather avoid me than engage in conversation. If the conversation is lively I never know when to speak, or how to interject in to the conversation. By the time I have worked it out the conversation has moved on so I just stay quiet, or I interrupt which doesn't go down well. However, give me a subject i know about and I will talk endlessly to the point others are bored, but struggle to identify when that point has arrived.
With work I find it hard to work in what my managers call the 'grey', they have deemed me to be a black and white person who is incapable of inferring subtleties of a request. From my side I don't understand why people can't just say what they want? Worse I can get hung up on subjects, or ideas, often to the point that others are sick of hearing it. I quite often get told that I can't fix the business so I should stop. I don't mean too, I just can't but help notice when things are wrong.
At this point I am not sure what to do, or where to turn. Part of me thinks to just let it all slide. I've copped for 32 years without a diagnosis, what benefit will it bring? Then there are other times when I can't make sense of a situation at work, home, or a random altercation and everything comes back to the fore.
I feel a diagnosis would give me a bit of room to breath, I wouldn't constantly feel on the edge at work worrying if I have inadvertently offended someone without realising, or missed something in an email that was implied rather than explicitly detailed.
If I do not have ASD then fine, but my world would make a lot less sense than it has with my more recent understanding of how autism affects everyday life.
Sorry for the longish rambling post. I find it incredibly hard to write about myself.
J.
NAS75914 said:I've copped for 32 years
Yeah, we cope, until we don't.
40 on the AQ50 is high. And yeah, we can be aware of our emotions. I am, very. But I puzzle them out and dig deep for them, despite the fact that I am alexythemic and can't feel them as they rise, so I get a time delay compared to neurotypicals. There is so much ignorance out there among the professionals.
You deserve your truth. So, choices are go back to your GP, show him the AQ50 and insist. Or go private.
Let's say you are sounding like one of us. But sadly, we can't diagnose.
12 months after initial contact with my GP, 10 months after the local NHS autism service accepted my referral, I find myself back here looking for reassurance to continue and this was exactly what I needed to read.
Today I put a request to go private through the right to choose. Here is hoping that this can speed things up. The provider is stating an 18 week turn around so much better than another 14 months on a waiting list.
AQ50, RAADS-R, CAT-Q reports all saved. A very patient partner who is going to accompany me to the assessment. Turns out I have loads of stims that I was mostly unaware of... Or rather unaware of how often I was not masking them...
Hello 75914 - I am Number.
Just an idea - based on what you have written and my impression of your current position - why not simply work on the basis that you are autistic for the meanwhile - I think it will help you stay sane and allow you to explore yourself on a formal hypothesis. Frankly, even if you do get a formal diagnosis, it will change VERY little about your current life to be honest - in any practical sense.
Anyway, rest assured that you are very welcome here and I hope you will find support and information to broaden your understanding of our weird and wonderful lives and minds......and the pitfalls of having these!
Kind regards - Number.