Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I am struggling to come to terms with the breakdown of a relationship with a man who I believed all along had/has Asperger’s syndrome. He never brought it up for discussion, only talked about being different. I did not bring it up because a friend told me it is violent to diagnose other people. So I waited.
Even though we got on really well, had tones of common interests, enjoyed each other’s company - very early on he told me he does not see me as a life long partner. The reason he gave is because I am 46 and he is 44 and that is the wrong order and he did not think he would ever be able to change himself to accept that. I thought that was a ridiculous reason. I hoped he would change his mind if he feels loved and understood and this is what I very consciously tried to give.
I tried to show up for this relationship open hearted, loving and supporting. I was able to detach from the anger tantrums when things in his life did not go to plan (like not finding his England t-shirt the day England played at Wembley this summer). Sometimes it was a bit more difficult (like when he lost it for finding a toothpaste stain on the towel in the bathroom - a problem brought up right after we’d made love). But I was still able to rise above it. I gave support when things were tough (and other people blocked him because of things he had said/done) or when he found life overwhelming. I was there. i held him. I loved him.
3 weeks ago after spending the weekend together, going to a dinner with friends, spending a day at Open House London, cuddling up on the sofa watching Emma Raducanu win, sun bathing in the garden, making love, and having lunch he sat me down to tell me that he is ending the relationship. I cannot be a life long partner and we need to make space for new people in our lives. I was shocked. Hurt. It did not make sense. That’s not when people split up - after a weekend together and making love, is it?
Later it transpired he has actually found a new woman to court. A month and a half ago. So he cut me out of the picture to replace me with someone else (he hopes) two weeks before his birthday. So that he can take her on a weekend away he had paid for some time ago but did not know which one of us to take.
I feel incredibly hurt. There was not real reason to look elsewhere or end our 8 month relationship other than I am older and it will never work.
He seems to think that it is possible to flick a switch and now be friends, already sharing with me really inappropriate information about what he refers to as his “new partner”: that I am still the last woman he has been with because they have discussed with his new partner to not be sexual for a while, telling me details about her and their plans. I find all this deeply deeply hurtful. He shared inappropriate details about previous girlfriends all the way through our time together. It inflicted and continues to inflict pain.
I care about him deeply and I hold him in love and light.
But I am also so deeply and incredibly hurt by his words and action which I find not normal.
Is age order really such a big thing for you/your partner? Was this a lost cause from the beginning?
Also how does one cope with the break up of a relationship with a person with Asperger’s when so much inappropriate stuff was said, emotional clues not understood, pain inflicted? I am finding it difficult to accept his behaviour. I also find it difficult knowing he does not think he has done anything wrong.
I have now blocked all communication with him but that feels so unkind. Yet it is the only thing I can think of to protect myself from further hurt from his inappropriate sharing and lack of empathy for what he has caused me.
I learned that you can care about other people, but it does not mean that you can make them (or change them) to care about you in the exact same way that you care about them.
If you're unhappy, that's a good enough of a reason to stop talking to someone. You're not being mean to them, you're just avoiding someone who's being mean to you.
I'd like to think that sometimes in life we are shown the type of things we do not want, in order to find what we do want, and what kind of things we need to thrive in a relationship.
I think that he might have wanted the last moments of the relationship to be good memories, so that the breakup isn't a bad nasty one, and it might have made sense in his mind, but it does not make sense in reality. I mean it's like having a great birthday party, and then your parents telling you at the very end that they're going to disown you, but they are still going to contact you and talk to you about the other children they have. Like, what? Don't do that. That makes no sense to do.
It might be hard to see it now, but your compassion and time is wasted on someone who does not see the value in you. I'm glad that you separated yourself from him (I mean that's why the block function exists, it's because people are not always great), so now you have time to put that compassion towards yourself, to find the things you value, and what ultimately makes you happy.
So many sensible points in your comment
I realise I used to give and give and give to people, who 9/10 would say 'thanks very much' when their problem was sorted out by me. Then skip off merrily without helping me when I needed it. I have gradually learned not to do this.
Instead I do this: give a little bit of help, see if the person reciprocates. If they do, I give a bit more. If they don't, I back off and probably don't give any more help.
I've realized that if someone approaches you about their problems, they might be looking for advice, or they could be looking for comfort.
Generally, if advice does not work, I just switch to comforting the person.