Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, this is my first post ever. I guess I just want to say something to strike up conversations with other autistics because I am feeling even more alien to NT's than before I was diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia too which affects coordinated thinking and movement, and sequencing of learned behaviour and movement. I was first told I had trauma based autism because I had severe shutdowns in hospital after major surgeries, like I couldn't stand and my eyesight/hearing went distorted and my limbs tingled, felt nauseous, had migraines, needed silence. I'd have to lie flat unable to talk to anyone for hours or days. I don't quite know if trauma is actually a cause of autism, or rather just some of it's symptoms it seems. Then a couple of years later, I realised that whilst I did have trauma growing up, I also showed all the signs of being autistic very young. I've been estranged from my family for many years, I've been focussing so hard on 'fixing' myself, ready to go back out there and build a life more true to me, free of oppression, only to find out that on trying to do this, I still suffer crippling nausea and dizziness and sometimes chest pain all due to the anxiety of feeling so alien around people or just not liking the noise level or light level, or speed someone is driving if I'm in a car with them.
I have a boyfriend who has known me many years before we got together too, and so my diagnosis hasn't changed the way he views me, but he doesn't quite understand how hard I am finding the diagnosis. I feel just being myself and taking up space in the world in the way I do makes people feel I'm weird, I am constantly wondering whether people see that there is something different with me or whether they just don't care either way..like how in the matrix those agents appear whenever people realise Neo is different from the crowd. I was bullied a lot at school and work and judged as aloof, disinterested in people, over sensitive or blunt, always late for things and always for some reason or another feeling nauseous or low energy. My boyfriend says the general way NT's think is when they meet someone, especially if it's a new colleague at work etc, they think "are you going to help me or get in my way" when it comes to life and success both socially and with career. I've tried to start telling people I'm autistic as subtly as possible, to see what effect it has on peoples tolerance or general understanding and to see what effect it has on my anxiety levels around those people.
I've had reactions as simple as "oh right" all the way to "oh so you must like trucks!"..I know that people just want to say something to relate to me and be nice..I think I just wish more NT's knew what being autistic means, but I think few NT's are even aware of how their own neurology works let alone someone elses. I am interested in hearing what reactions everyone else has had from telling people they are autistic, what did people immediately say to you? Did they say something assumptive to try and relate to you, which in turn actually makes you feel they have pathologised you? Or were you pleasantly surprised with anyone's reaction?
Well, people thought I was a bit weird long before my diagnosis.
They also thought many positive and negative things about me. I know this because I have been told directly, or heard it secondhand.
I've always embraced my weird
The biggest one was a colleague told me I was autistic and that I should get it checked out. I did, and they were right.
When I got my diagnosis, I immediately made it public. I do so at any time I think it useful, which is most of the time, haha.
I'll either say, "did you hear about my diagnosis?' to people who know me, or I'll skim around a bit , to warm them up, then I go all in. haha.
For me it has been positive. Pretty much everyone has been cool about it.
The annoying one is when someone goes, "Me too, well maybe, I might be a little bit. I haven't been diagnosed, but... We're all a little bit autistic, aren't we?"
That's when I just think F-OFF.
So sometimes it's not worth mentioning it, but you only find that out after the fact.
So happy to get your response, thank you. It's really motivating to perceive how upbeat you are about the fact of being autistic and about telling people. I want to be as confident as you sound when it comes to embracing my weird! I think I used to embrace my weird as a child but I was totally unaware it was weird at all, until school and work got harder and harder. How did you feel towards the colleague who told you that you were autistic and to get it checked out? What were your initial feelings around it? I got told that same thing "everyone's a little autistic", from a director of a college no less! I think people around me never got to the conclusion I must be autistic because they already thought I was actually possessed by a real demon or mentally ill and just in denial about my mental illness. Work people just thought I was insubordinate. A problem to get rid of. I only found out about autism when I sought out a psychotherapist because I thought I needed to find out why people thought this stuff about me! I swear..I had actual house mates scared of me because they thought I was possessed, including my own mother. I want to laugh but I guess it's really not funny. Maybe that's why I'm so scared of telling people I'm autistic, I'm so used to being misunderstood! You are right, you only find that out after the fact so I guess I should keep telling people anyway and hope for the best!