Greetings!

I have recently undertaken the AQ50 screening test for ASD after fairly recently being suggested I maybe could be autistic, and a reccomendation by my therapist. I got 39 out of 50 putting me in the 'at risk' category. (I think at risk is a strange term to use!) 

I have been having weekly therapy for a few years, after years of not holding down jobs ( I've had many many!) relationship problems and 'suicidal' periods. I've always thought I'm different and tried antidepressants for Depression/Anxiety but just weaned myself off zoloft. 

I dont want to bore anyone but would like to highlight what I think could be the traits of ASD throughout my life... in the hope of  advice/suggestions and connections!

I was pretty happy until Infant school when the first day I ran home (it was quite far too) saying to my dad 'it's nice but I dont think I need to go anymore....' he marched me back to my horror. I'd been told off for playing with cars in the mud with the boys! I refused to wear the uniform shirts around my neck or the school jumper.

Primary school I had developed a rash around my lips from anxiety, I think from nervously chewing them...I also bit my nails and sucked my hair, getting told off for it. I even chewed my jumper sleeves... quite disgusting really! I felt different and didnt fit in the friend groups and would sit alone in the playground. If I had friends I'd often fall out.

By college I was always described as quiet and shy which angered me as I felt that was dismissal for something more than that, but I did develop an eating disorder being called anorexic by a teacher. I yo yo'd though which isnt surprising tbh when I'd starve myself then get extreme hunger. I'd be absent whenever possible, or forget my PE kit due to incredible anxiety. Academically I was great achieving top marks but felt depressed for not enjoying socialising and eventually used alcohol too much to cope. 

I hated university, particularly the first year. I hadn't thought it through and was stuck in a busy city centre with loud fashion students the polar opposite to me. I studied drawing which I'm good at but now I realise my problem is lack of imagination. I can copy, but struggle to be unique! I wanted to quit and nearly failed but struggled through with a 2:2.

I moved home with parents to get over that terrible experience! Then decided to pursue a career at sea in the Merchant navy as a Deck officer. To cut it short, this was fun and adventurous and practical which I loved. I got to travel but I was still very anxious and struggled to socialise, very much turning to alcohol. After a few years as a qualified Officer of the Watch I was dismissed as my progress had taken a turn.

I'd moved out of my parents by then and owned my own place and car, but in a place I didnt know anyone really, with no support to find a new career or a relationship. 

Since then is the recent struggles. Things currently are pretty fantastic I have a fiancee and started an apprenticeship as a nursery nurse. Working with children is challenging in it's own way but I managed to find a routine and hope I'll enjoy studying when that starts. But I have days when I feel I cant go on and cant cope with work. Plus I have what I now think is irrational 'meltdowns' which can cause a strain and lead me to push away people. I'm very noise sensitive most of the time or hypersensitive as my therapist described it.

I don't think I'd get any diagnosis for a long time due to costs and waiting lists, and left not really knowing for sure what if anything it could mean! Am I being silly or exaggerating normal problems? I just feel a diagnosis for ASD would be a relief to explain all the struggles, and feel stronger/empowered to move on positively. 

Sorry for the literal life history. I wonder if anyone can relate?!