Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I am ugly. I look like a hobo; a troglodyte; a "B" movie monster--- but without the pay. I have no money. Let me see a show of hands of the people who want to date me.....
{five seconds pass; ten seconds....}
Hum. Anyone out there? Anyone?
Otch, well. I seem to have the same luck in the imaginary world than I have in Real Life. Since nights of passion and ecstasy appears to be off the table, I suppose an introduction must suffice.
I am ugly. I look like a.....
Oh, wait: I did that part already.
For the past 20.4 years I have been ranch hand on a cattle ranch located in the lonely canyon lands of Northern New Mexico. Perhaps you can imagine what this has done to my love life.
David! Stop doing that!
Oops. Sorry. Where was I? Oh: in New Mexico, living and working on a woman-less cattle ranch, north of Santa Fe. I am surrounded by sandstone cliffs, down here on the canyon floor, among ancient Gallina Phase ruins. These were a collection of Rosa pueblo people who lived here about 700 to 88 years ago. I presume they had women here way back then, which is why I wish I had been born long ago.
I do the usual ranch hand things: hammer my thumb instead of nail; run terrified away from Cow Number Fourteen, who appears to love the taste of human flesh; how beans in the blistering sun, then fall on my face due to dehydration; die each night of loneliness because I am once again alone with no woman to...
Okay, okay. You do not need to know that part.
Before coming to the ranch I lived in a cave for 29 months, alone, because there are not many women who wish to live in caves these days. Yes: really. I wrote a popular memoir about the "adventure."
Before then I delivered boats around the planet for lazy boat owners who did not want to face death going places.
Before then I worked in Information Technology for 12 years, for a heartless international corporation that had plenty of women stomping around, but none of them found me worthy of sharing her life with me.
Because I'm ugly. And I look like a troglodyte.
There really is no accounting for what people find sexy, you know. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Certainly some of my ex boyfriends weren't the classic model look.
For me, and for many women, the mind and soul are a much bigger turn on. I can't comment on anyone's looks, everyone is some one's kind of sexy, but you have certainly lead an interesting life and I can tell by your posts that you are a deep thinker with a big soul. That's got to be just what someone out there has been looking for all their life...it's just about being at the right time in the right space with them. That much is luck.
As for all the other seemingly successful Romeos out there...well, how many of them find true love and how many just a string of superficial encounters? Not all of them are happy, for sure.
Thank you: I see that you are wise, and perhaps wiser than I am. I have been called a "genius," and "wise," but I feel the fool when I contemplate my behavior and my thoughts. It is foolish of me to lament a lost friend for 24 years, yet I think of her several times a week. That is not wisdom: that is pathology.
My friend 24 years ago once told me that I should show the people around me my true nature instead of hiding it. I had no idea what she meant: I did not even know I am autistic, nor know I was "masking" out of the business requirements dictated. She also told me "You will make a wonderful husband and father for someone." She did not know how painful that was to me.
My roommate Lyndelle wondered why there were no women in my life,and told me I would regret being alone--- as if it was somehow my choice to be alone, lonely, and in pain every night I laid down alone. It was not a choice that no woman found me worthy.
Pathology, or love? I don't have the answer. But an old flame of mine occupied my thought for two decades. Destiny returned him to me. I had occupied his also. But at that time I also saw why it could not be in this life time. The passion and the love were real, the possibility of sharing a life was not. I don't regret loving him and never will. But I let that go...for this four score and ten at least ;-)
As for letting someone in, it's always a risk, but yes you should. Some one out there is worth the trouble.
Dawn said:But an old flame of mine occupied my thought for two decades. Destiny returned him to me. I had occupied his also.
That was wonderful for you, I hope. I cannot even imagine what that was and is like.
For 30+ I have looked intently and constantly to see interest of me by a woman, and it never happened--- not even an attraction where she would stop and say "Hello" to me.I was transparent: no woman saw me.