Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,I'm a 38 year old female and I think I may have Asperger's. My GP is going to refer me for an assessment.
I've always found socialising difficult, but thought I was just shy or had social anxiety. But recently I noticed something worrying: I keep falling out with friends or offending them without intending to. I don't know if this is a symptom of Asperger's or not? Could someone clarify this? The worrying thing was that I couldn't predict when it was going to happen, and sometimes I didn't even understand why it had happened. That's when I started researching and trying to find out what the problem could be. When I read about Asperger's, and symptoms like 'masking', I realised that I have masked all my life. I realised that maybe the reason I have low self esteem is because I could never understand why I couldn't be social like others could.
Anyway, I am very pleased to have found this community. Thank you! It is great to know that I'm not alone in this experience.
I have some questions about diagnosis. I am somewhat worried because I understand that many high-functioning autistic females are misdiagnosed. I've read that if you do get an Asperger's diagnosis, you can access help and support. Can anyone tell me what kind of help you can access, specifically in terms of therapy: can you get help developing social skills, and help for low self esteem and anxiety, for example? What kind of therapy is it? Can you get to the stage where you can function more easily and get less anxious?
If I get diagnosed as NOT autistic, can I still participate in this forum? I guess I could still read self-help books for Asperger's, and use what is relevant? I am currently on the waiting list for CBT for anxiety (I have had therapy several times in my life, for issues including an eating disorder, low self esteem, anxiety, and insomnia, and I'm currently waiting for more therapy). I suppose I could tell the therapist that I suspect I have Asperger's, but they wouldn't be able to give me specialist help for autism, but perhaps they could help me with social anxiety.
Thank you!
Social Skills. To me these entail being considerate, open, kind, respectful. They involve allowing others to be themselves without trying to control or use them. They involve identifying who you can allot or invest time with and who can stay an 'acquaintance'. They should involve having good boundaries. All of these things can be learned. I spent years studying perspectives of healthy principles of engagement, learning the difference between boundaries and abuse, learning ethics, creating aesthetic. This doesn't mean I can read your mind and to be fair, telepathy is not a healthy super power.
Life though, is always learned one element at a time. It's overwhelming at best. Anxiety can be a consequence of mal-adaptation to our environment, feeling trapped or powerless or useless. It can be a consequence of a misfiring neural network, a consequence of not having the right tools or education or just in need of a complete retreat from life. I experience it when I'm over-worked or working into the wee hours of the morning. I've also experienced it from broken relationships, and noticed once I remove myself from the party completely it goes away. I've experienced it from an LED which I needed to change to incandescent or halogen. It can also be from diet: poor nutrition or not being diagnosed from something causing poor nutrition. I found for myself and my son that a multi vitamin daily helped with deficiencies causing anxiety. For him, we discovered he needed more of a boost than I did, so we found a mushroom complex he takes 3 days a week and ashwaganda on the other 3. One day off, just sunshine if it's out.
Knowing what's causing this kind of stress is important to sort out, as it sounds like you're aware :) Hopefully, then you can start working out everything else one thing at a time.
Hi Juniper,
Thanks very much for your reply, I found it interesting to read how you describe social skills. The way you write about them, I think already do have them, even if not perhaps as much as most people. Normally when I think of 'social skills' they seem daunting and a mystery to learn and decode, but the way you describe them they seem based on empathy and common sense, which is helpful.It sounds as though you have gained a lot of understanding and improved your life a lot, which is encouraging to hear.
Thank you!! I have had to work incredibly hard to get to where I'm at. But I do hope to share what I've learned along the way. I've been left to sort life myself a bit too much and expected to grow up too early. So, many things from a lack of parenting to being stuck in survival mode held me back for years. But I did have amazing grandparents.
Before I realised I was even experiencing more difficulty than most, it was this hyper-focus and social blindness which worked in my favour keeping me going, even though I felt a bit isolated. But it's better to be alone than in company which makes us feel lonely! From what I understand, many NTs would've packed it in long ago on my timeline. But I learned about tenacity and follow through. I learned helpful principles like step by step guides on how to be reliable and trust-worthy. How to invest in others and give others room to be their unique human selves. I also learned to create aesthetic around me - with what I had. And these things were of no small matter of consequence. But I do think learning to escape the noise of society add my own spiritual journey - this ability to retreat and self-care was what made it possible to grow as a human.
We all have a journey. If there's one thing I would've loved to know more of early on, it's to be mindful of the misidentifications! Society tends to mislabel young females as insecure for actually experiencing being unprotected and told their worth is only valid if Capitalism approves of them in particular ways most won't receive. That's not insecurity. That's a psychological nightmare. Also, many issues might be psychological, but I never rule out biology. We need proper nutrients and minerals to function well. A lack of vitamins from rich sources can also cause anxiety and insomnia. Though I've also experienced them as a consequence of a bad relationship. And not but a few days after the exit, sleep returned and the anxiety vanished.
Hi Juniper,Thanks for sharing about your journey, it's interesting and encouraging to read!