My Story

Hi I'm Jacob from Poland I'm 18 I'm autistic. 

I wanted to share my story. 

Before you read my story, I must warn you that it contains some violent situations. My life was very hard. But read this if you have strong nerves, on your own responsibility. 

I also do not urge anybody, to do things beyond somebody's capacity. You are fine just like you are. I just have very strong nerves, so I am extremely high functioning autistic. 

English is not my native language, it may not be perfect, please be forgiving. 

I was diagnosed in primary school, although my parents were suspecting something much earlier. I had some speech delay and echolalia. At first, I was supposedly speaking in phrases, from stories readed to me by my mother. Instead of, let's say, normal communication. I had also other typical symptoms of autism, some meltdowns and my behavior was not normal. My mother was very afraid of that, she thought that there is something wrong with me, and she wanted to cure me somehow, from the very beggining. I've been through all of this bullshit, gluten free diets and other "healthy food" and biofeedback. Throughout my early life, she forced me to do many things I didn't like, and I was telling her just that, but she didn't listein. She was pushing diet gluten free, she forced me to sit for hours pinned to some cables. Instead of buying me a playstation, she bouhts some equipment for several thousand złoty, the Polish currency, to pin me to cables, and to make me sit like that for hours. I had not a normal childhood. Sometimes in my home was violence. Once, I have buried my dad's belt underground, not to be beaten. Although often it was me who was aggressive, it does not justify my mother's acions. I was 7 years old kid. I remember she sat on me so that i could not move when i had a meltdown to "calm me down". Once when i was pinned to these cables, she punched me with belt because i was trembling. I remember she closed me in room with a key for several hours, when family arrived, because I was noisy, or misbehaved, or i don't know actually why. I'm sorry to say that, I hate my mother, and not only for this. That was one thing of many. She tried to change me, instead of accepting me the way I was. She didn't respect what I wanted or not wanted. She signed me for swimming lessons without my permission, and i hated that. I like to swim for my own, not being told by someone what to do. In primary school I was very hard kid. I often got into fights, both in school and in the backyard. Sometimes i beat someone up, sometimes someone beat up me. Kids with autism are often bullied, but my response to bullying, was violence. I was strong, and I often used to go to the director's carpet, sometimes once a week, for beating somebody's ass. Maybe this aspect of my childhood wasn't much bad at all, although I was bullied, I often had my revange. Maybe I do not suffer today so much from injustice, because what was done to me, was also more or less repayed. What doesn't change the fact that school was hell to me. One year I had the lessons in home, because I stopped going to school. I couldn't stand there. In last year of primary school, I was given a teacher assistant, because I have caused many problems. And I was hard kid like i said. Actually I hated that, because I don't like to be watched. I was at first very rude to her. We were not a friends. I wanted to get rid of her. Which happened for a while. After the primary school, in Poland, there was something called gimnazjum. It was the school between the primary school and secondary school. This school was actually recently abolished in our country, because of the education reform. In this gimnazjum, at first I had not teacher assistant, I tried to be with people, but I was different, there my impairments in some areas of social life begun to manifest. I was behaving naturally to myself, and I thought everything was right, but others have seen it in a different way. I was annoying to them, somehow, and they didn't like me and didn't like things which I did. Teachers were saying, that I am disorganising the lessons somehow. Other students started to bully me. It was horrible, then I became the narcissist. It was the mechanism to cope with that. When you actually believe, that you are the superhuman. It is easier to stand when everyone thinks you're a trash. It caused a positive feedback loop. The more they bullied me, the more it turned off for me. The more they annoyed me the more I annoyed them. At the end, it come to that, I have called everybody including myself, the lord something and created some sort of weird ideology, when I was the greatest lord and I have created the holy pact with two people against one person, who was some kind of the lord enemy. Crazy, but for me this was funny. This annoyed them like ***. It was the revange for bullying. Of course I have got the teacher assistant once more, the same woman who have watched me in primary school, ironic. But in the last year, we became friends. I was so crazy by then, that one teacher assistant was not enough, they gave me the next one. At first, there was a women a didn't like. So that I did everything to get rid of her. She didn't stand me, and she left soon. Then they gave me nice woman. To this day we are friends. Sometimes I, with my two teachers, go to cafe or something. But then, I have done other crazy things. I have stolen the chalk, and I drew a huge ***, next to the football pitch. I have been drawing dicks everywhere, sometimes on the blackboard. I used to draw pentagrams or svastikas for fun. I have been screaming so loud, so that the entire school school heared me. I have bought the jbl speaker once, and I have been playing stupid music, to annoy the bullies. I don't have hearing sensitivity, perhaps I even have unsensitivity to haring. It may be possible, because I have been enduring myself all the time. When one teacher took my speaker, I have gone to shop and bought another. I have also been escaping school sometimes. The escapes were spectacular, when someone is watching over you all the time, you have to plan every step and it must be instant. I could write much about what I did. The important is that, when I got three years of hell, so that all the others. Let's come back to my mother now, because then also come the time to deal with her. The tension between us had been rising since some time. Beside that I already said what she done to me. She have also been taking sometimes my computer, once she installed some kind of guardian software. She had been taking cables from time to time, or mouse, or the entire computer. She thought that the computer games cause my autistic behaviors, since she tried to cure my autism, she had to elliminate the computer games. When she took the computer one more time, there was a total war. At first, I have been hiding some home equipment in the closed room. Such as washing machine (i carried it somehow), kettle, TV, my father's violin (because my parents are musicians), and more. At least she got into the room and took the furniture. Then I have taken all the light bulbs, and hid them inside the ventilation shaft. Even today, I am amazed, how brilliant the idea was. I had also taken some cables and keys to the home. She called the police, I escaped the home, I came back in night, she, with police, forced me to reveal, where I hide the lighting bulbs. After then, I started to crush them, and cut the cables from home devices. One cable I cut under the voltage. I could have died. The safety fuze has blown, and there was no electricity for few days. She realized what I am capable of, but she resisted more. Then I have stolen 800 złoty from home, I bought mobile phone. When she found, that I have the mobile phone, she ordered me to give it, or she will call the police. What i did? I crushed the phone, and gave her in pieces. After some time, she gave me my computer. But, she had earlier given it to some computer specialist, so that he could set a system password and other security, so that I do not play computer games. I have taken the bios battery out. The system password disappeared. Then, I launched some emergency measures, so that I could in this case restart the computer to primary state. Computer was mine in one day. She have also secured the internet, so that it was avaliable one hour per day. I restarted the router settings, and it was done. My mother has never stand against me from this time. She was bent to obediance. She is not doing me much harm right now. She is sitting quietly in the room next to me. I am in charge. When this matter was done, I have had my rest. I've been playing my computer games all the time, untill i decided to study. I have caught up for two years, when I didn't study. I have got into the best secondary school in my city. I didn't want to be watched, so that there was no teacher assistant. At first I didn't tell them that I have autism. I did it aventually by the end. It was my decission. I tried once again to cope with people. At first, I didn't do anything. I didn't speak much. I watched, and copied, more or less. It was so hard, that I got burnout and I was desperate. I wanted to give up on this. But I didn't want to be watched. Everything was overwhelming, I had to talk to people, in order to manage my issues. I survived, and first time in my life, I had very good mark from behavior. I have learned calculus by then and a lot of math and physics, even above my education level. I have even gone to the sport competition, because football is my special sport, let's say. I am good goalkeeper. I didn't do well, I let in go two goals. Howewer I recently got the cup for participation. When I have it in my hands, I remember all the depression suffering and hardship I've been through. I finished secondary school and I consider my acheivement as superhuman thing. I suffered much more in secondary school, than any time before. Howewer this was a noble suffering and a lifetime lesson. It has strenghen my will, so much, that I believe I am capable of anything. My self esteem is higher then ever. And I'm happy, as never before. Recently, I've bought myself very good sunglasses, I have much light sensitivity, so that I am usually sitting in a very dark room. Now, I admire the buildings around my city, when before, I wasn't often willing to raise my head much from the ground. I have my dreams. I would like to live in dubai once, because it's my favourite city. I want to have tesla, because it is my favourite car. I will probably not go to work, but rather start my own company. I want to code mobile apps, howewer, I still have much to learn. There is much work ahead of me, perhaps months or years of working, 10 to 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. But I think I'll be fine. Wish me luck. After all, I consider myself, to having extremely high functioning autism.