So I am dating a man with asbergers

the relationship is obviously nuanced like any other relationship and we only know what you have told us.

but what i will say is this. if he is anything like me then he will struggle with expressing love in a conventional way. you might sit there one day and think "i wish he would show love this way" or "he doesnt express love like others do by just saying how he feels at the right time". like most people on the spectrum these typical social things are not first nature they are like 10th.

i recently learnt about something called the 5 languages of love and where most typical people are likely the type to express love with kind words, physical touch and quality time. he might be like me where "acts of service" are his way of expressing love and you might not understand that or see it when its done. think of how pets might bring you "gifts" or a cat does something annoying but is being affectionate.

being in a long term relationship with an NT person was difficult for me but now with a diagnosis can look back and understand things so much better. i understand the importance of expressing love but i think about functionality and logic over feelings before anything else.

Many thanks for you reply to this post, Vesters... I am going through a particularly difficult day today, as a partner of someone I believe is an autistic person! What you said about the way us NT express love and autistics express love is so very true.... and that of "acts of service".... that struck a chord with me! I could be dying in front of my husband and he would very kindly ask me if I wanted a cup of tea, believing that he was being amazing. Same for when I am suffering emotionally.... he will stay very calm, collected, always very kind but there is no arm around my shoulder and if there is it is more like a mechanical thing because he knows that people do that? I wish one day he would learn enough about autism that he could look back and understand things much better and how this all broke my heart and my soul, especially because I am daughter of such a father and have been in more of such relationships (there has to be a pattern there and therefore a reason why I attract men with a lot of problems into my life). 

That said... please don't take this the wrong way but I do dream of being in a "normal" relationship, to have someone talk to me in the "normal" way, to have someone in my life who relates to what I say and what I feel. If there was more support out there I believe that we could make it, but as a rule one is all alone! 

i sympathize with you. you want the full degree of a relationship and he is not able to express in that way when you need it most it can confuse you. but as the one without the developmental disorder you have to try to remember when you are hurting he is not capable of that and its hard. it really is hard.

like you said coming from a relationship with a father who was the total opposite you want a similar relationship with the man in your life who wouldn't want an amazing relationship like the one they look up to with their dad. it sounds beautiful especially with knowing most people never have any type of relationship with a dad never mind a close affectionate one.

i sympathize with you. you want the full degree of a relationship and he is not able to express in that way when you need it most it can confuse you. but as the one without the developmental disorder you have to try to remember when you are hurting he is not capable of that and its hard. it really is hard.

like you said coming from a relationship with a father who was the total opposite you want a similar relationship with the man in your life who wouldn't want an amazing relationship like the one they look up to with their dad. it sounds beautiful especially with knowing most people never have any type of relationship with a dad never mind a close affectionate one.

It's fine I understand and am not offended. I was replying to the original blog post but it's fine it fits our conversation. If there is something I've learned that it's do what makes you happy. If you have family and children obviously your child is number 1 priority but there should be no guilt from giving your self what you want in life and there is never a too late point. Don't feel guilty for wanting what you feel you deserve.

That was a really unexpected curve ball your dad is autistic but again I can relate. Relationships I have with the kids in my family I'm cuddly with them lift them up want to see them smile and have so much fun with them but partners or adults I'm not like that. No touching and no cuddling. Very little reassuring and I don't understand why. 

It's interesting that you said how can I see the pain but he isn't the same. I guess one of my special abilities is I can see changes even the smallest changes. I notice unusual unexpected changes in behaviour and the way people speak. It's less to do with emotion and more to do with facts that I see.

So when I see someone hurting I see it from a logical side and not a feeling side. I think that's why I am the way I am with younger family members because I know the long term effects it had on me with no affectionate adults. I wish I was more like you because even though I can see an adult needs comfort it just isn't me. 

Hi again... you said it all now... yes, I need the full degree of a relationship and he is not able to be in it the same way not that he doesn't want to... he has no idea that he is not. Somehow he doesn't seem to see reality in the neurotypical way but he doesn't know that he doesn't, if that makes sense? Wow, yes... it leaves me completely confusing and doubting myself and my sanity... I am an expressive, bubbly, happy Southern European, a person who shares a lot, an artist, with great zest for life but life has let me down in more ways than I care to remember in my long life! I am also a fighter, a solution finder, someone who goes for it, who will knock at every door, who will try to change things for the world around me while trying to help my own situation but.. nothing helps, no one listens... And I see my last great years evaporating! I look maybe 20 years younger, sound 30 years younger, had lots of energy, aspirations but instead I am only trying to limit the disaster and one day it all will be finished and my soul will be regretting what could have been and wasn't. 

From what I gather you are in the same situation as my husband? But you know how I feel? How come? You know that he can't see when I am hurting.... I have the feeling that although in his head he loves me to death and he pinches himself and thanks the Gods everyday for having found a soulmate like me and someone he can connect through music and our video and other activities, in reality I could be dying at his feet and he would be asking me if he could maybe make me a cup of tea? Someone said here that the way they show their feelings is by "service", exactly my husband's case but someone who functions emotionally like me, especially with my heritage, that is soul destroying. And if other than this we lead perfectly normal lives I would cope better, I would have a social life, family, friends... but we moved here from Wales, Lockdown started, we have been in the Private Rental Sector since we started our relationship and the lack of respect is horrendous so I have to deal with those problems too, be my own solicitor because I can't afford one, be the therapist in this relationship because I can't afford one.... and so very tired with my health now failing too. And English is my third language (he is Welsh). Thanks for saying the words... yes, it is so very hard............... My music career was all for me (only started singing at 58, so it seems almost silly but I achieved so much despite all this, but I give it up regularly and it destroys my soul). 

Sorry but my father was autistic too, the more reason for me to want a neurotypical man, been married before, same thing... and I know that I don't have the skills to deal with them and to be honest I didn't want more problems in my life so no, if I had spotted it earlier no way I would have embarked on this. I hope I am not hurting your feelings... but I am so tired... and there is no help out there! Can it be that you were not actually answering my reply to this post? Sorry, I am quite new here and this forum does get me lost at times. So in my case no good relationship with my father. I wish I had had a good relationship with him..... Anyway, even if your reply was maybe not for me you were spot one!!! Thanks...