Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
This is a long one, I hope that's ok. Basically I'm wondering if I might be on the spectrum and if it's worth getting a diagnosis, so I thought it best to provide as much context as I can.
I'm in my early 30s and wondering if I might be on the autistic spectrum after reading articles about women who are diagnosed later in life and finding a lot of their experiences match up to my own. I have always felt "weird" and wondering if this could explain the anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue I suffer from. My dad had Asperger Syndrome which may be relevant. He didn't get much help because the way his brain worked differently made him an amazing musician and polyglot, and people said it made him a 'genius', though he suffered from low intelligence in other areas, was frequently taken advantage of, couldn't live alone, and suffered from alcohol addiction, which he was sadly unable to overcome and passed away. Reading more about autism and how it's a massive spectrum made me rethink if I may have inherited some of these things (if that's possible).
For example, small talk feels exhausting, and like I am always learning a script to use with other people. I'm really upset because it's made me realise how often I rely on a mask or presenting a false personality to get on with others, and feel like my worldview is shattered, it's hard to explain but it's like I didn't realise how much I was doing it until I noticed it and now I catch myself doing it all the time. There is also the pain of realising that most people aren't like this. I genuinely thought everyone thought of talking to others as learning a script and parroting it back, but now I think about it, that doesn't make sense because if it was unnatural to everyone, it wouldn't exist.
I catch myself watching social interactions and remembering phrases to use next time, controlling my facial expressions, body language, and laughing too quickly at jokes because it sometimes takes me longer than others to understand the joke. (This has caught me out a few times when the joke turns out to be offensive and I regret laughing...) I thought I was good at reading people but I realise now that I'm not – I can never guess people's motives, which has led to being taken advantage of, and I often read people as being cross with me as a default, and when I ask if this is the case they are usually surprised and can't understand why I think that. I have upset people in the past without intending to and so my default mode is to apologise too much.
I end up feeling very tired from socialising and pretending to be "normal", overthinking and practising conversations, and even a four hour lunch with my inlaws can trigger migraines and exhaustion for the next 1-3 days. This was diagnosed in the past as chronic-fatigue, but that description has always felt odd to apply to socialising or going out but not if I spent the day studying or sewing.
Other issues I have are I get obsessed with details or an interest to the point where I don't achieve anything for a long time, because I am thinking about the minute details, or I don't take care of myself because it doesn't seem as important as whatever I'm working on. I find changes to my routine stressful, and I don't like to be touched. I get upset very easily and am overly sensitive about small things. I can't keep a job longer than a year, this might be coincidence with the economy as it is, but basically any job that involves people I fail at miserably (even stacking shelves in Sainsbury's you have to talk to the public at times), and everything else like graphic design work I just never fit in as well as others, so when job cuts happen, I'm the first to go. I also found full time work too exhausting in an office environment, but can cope ok working remotely from home. I'm currently unemployed but trying to make a go of self-employed design and illustration.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression on multiple occasions, but medication, CBT and talk therapy has never made much difference, no matter how hard I try. I realised I was even masking to my therapist because I wanted her to like me and I wanted to achieve the goals we set out.
As a child I had an excessive interest in Pokémon, beyond that of most children. Since then, I tend to get obsessive about a particular area for a few years and then move on to something else. I didn't learn to speak until I was older than other kids, but learned to read and write extremely quickly. I was bullied for being "weird", told I shouldn't do things like mutter to myself, eat my food a certain way, blink too much, being too quiet or speaking too softly to hear (I still do this), spending lunchtime reading alone – after I knew these things were "bad" I worked very hard to "correct" them.
I put all of these issues down to low self-esteem and having a creative personality, and that might be the case, but I'm just wondering if there might be more to it. I broached the subject with my mum and she said she often wondered about it but thought I couldn't be on the spectrum, because I love fiction and have a lot of empathy for others to the point where I can start crying for someone I don't even know, which stereotypically does not fit the autism mould. She put it down to me being a "sensitive" child.
I'm worried that I have learned to adapt and mask so well that if I go to the doctor, I won't be taken seriously. I don't even know if I am on the spectrum, but I feel I must be at least neuro-divergent. I don't even know if a diagnosis would help, but it might make sense of things and I could connect with others and be more myself. On one hand I don't want to have that diagnosis because I feel like it would change everything. On the other hand, if a psychiatrist decided I didn't have it, I might be even more lost and searching for answers.
Sorry for making this longer than I wanted and if I have said anything to offend anyone, I just really don't know what to do, I'm scared by how depressed and anxious I'm getting even though I just completed a course of therapy a few months ago, and questioning who I am and if I should exist. If you have read this far, thank you.
I'm 22 and I've had almost the exact same experiences as you, I got diagnosed with ASD at the end of march this year and it's been a double edged sword in the sense that now I have confirmation that there in an actual reason why I feel the way I feel, why I think the way I think and why I just don't fit in, and also it's been very jarring because there's a scary amount of stuff that I though about myself that is turning out not to be true at all and it's all been part of my mask that I've developed to protect myself. It's a scary process to realise that about your self but that's often the way of growing and evolving as a person, a part of your self has to die in order for a new, better part to grow and move you forwards in life in more positive way.
The fact your dad was autistic is also a strong suggestion that you are also it is genetically passed down, I chose to get assessed because I just needed to find out what was up with me I've struggled mentally for as long as I can remember and I reached a point where I couldn't just keep putting my self down for being "wrong" all the time about everything. I did a WHOLE bunch of research and came to the conclusion my self that I was autistic but I wanted to get professionally assessed in case I was wrong (I wasn't).
I think you could do some research into the pros and cons of getting a diagnosis I personally think the pros out way the cons it opens up a line of support that you can access should you want it eg. therapists that work with autistic people. I'm thinking about doing that my self as I had a therapist a few years ago but it didn't help me and now I think maybe if I had a therapist that deals with autistic people it might help me as they will understand my POV better than a 'regular' therapist might.
Everything you described about your self is autistic so to speak, as for the empathy thing autistic people can be hyper-empathetic like you describe about your self and bare in mind the autism spectrum is a vast one with lots of different traits at lots of different intensities so don't think you NEED to fit those stereotypes because they can often be wrong hence why there are people in the world like you and I who get to adulthood struggling out whole lives and not knowing we're autistic.
Do research into autism in adults and educate your self that's the best way to develop your own opinions and knowledge rather than someone else placing that on you.
I can go on and on for pages and pages but I won't if you have any other questions just reply and I'll try my best to answer and there are lots of other people in this forum that know a lot more than me that will be able to help you too.
O
Hi O,Thank you for replying in such detail, I feel more confident to talk to my GP now and have sent them an email. Are some autistic people able to read facial expressions? I think I can do that and did an emotional recognition test online which came back with an average score and my mum says I never struggled with that as a child, but still I can't read intention / have a naive outlook and often I have to control my facial expressions so people can understand me better. My mum seems more sure each day that I might be on the spectrum and that she missed it before. But she has seen me struggle with anxiety/depression all my life and I think she's thinking it would be a solution somehow. I think right now I'm just really confused, but either way I need help from my GP as my mental health is all over the place.
It's not that I can't read facial expressions I see it on people but I sometimes forget what they all mean unless it's very obvious, an example for me is when people make really subtle looks at me or their friends I find that very hard I just don't know what they're going on about. The obviously happy and angry and sad looks are no problem but even then NT's will put on a happy face and their not happy and somehow people will pick up on that whereas I wouldn't I just think they're happy because that's what their face looks like
I've gotten better and better as I've grown up but that was all part of my masking strategy I've somewhat mastered it now but I have my moments where I'm not good. I would often just sit amongst my family when they had discussions and I would pick someone to study for that lunch time or day however long I was with them and learn speech patterns, mannerisms, body language and facial expressions and then I'd chose a different person when I though I learnt enough from the one before.
Then I would apply it to myself when I spoke to people and I did pretty good job but what I would get wrong is using the wrong things in the wrong situations an example of that would be I was always told to smile as a kid my family always though I was miserable when I wasn't so if someone was talking about something sad like a dog or pet dying or a relative dying I would think "oh make sure you smile everyone tells me to smile more" and I'd have a huge grin on my face whilst someone was on the edge of crying talking about their dog that just died.
It's a very intellectual process for me when I speak to people I'm consciously aware of my body language and mannerism and speech patterns (making sure I speak with tone and inflection) and also the other persons speech patterns, body language and mannerisms so I know how to "act" so to speak. For me that's where my social burnout occurs because I put so much energy into those things.
Edit: I find it easier to tell someones emotions from their voice I think that's to do with eye contact I don't like looking people in the eyes that much so I learnt to read how people sound better than how they emote their face