Not sure what to do

Hi,

This is a long one, I hope that's ok. Basically I'm wondering if I might be on the spectrum and if it's worth getting a diagnosis, so I thought it best to provide as much context as I can.

I'm in my early 30s and wondering if I might be on the autistic spectrum after reading articles about women who are diagnosed later in life and finding a lot of their experiences match up to my own. I have always felt "weird" and wondering if this could explain the anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue I suffer from. My dad had Asperger Syndrome which may be relevant. He didn't get much help because the way his brain worked differently made him an amazing musician and polyglot, and people said it made him a 'genius', though he suffered from low intelligence in other areas, was frequently taken advantage of, couldn't live alone, and suffered from alcohol addiction, which he was sadly unable to overcome and passed away. Reading more about autism and how it's a massive spectrum made me rethink if I may have inherited some of these things (if that's possible).

For example, small talk feels exhausting, and like I am always learning a script to use with other people. I'm really upset because it's made me realise how often I rely on a mask or presenting a false personality to get on with others, and feel like my worldview is shattered, it's hard to explain but it's like I didn't realise how much I was doing it until I noticed it and now I catch myself doing it all the time. There is also the pain of realising that most people aren't like this. I genuinely thought everyone thought of talking to others as learning a script and parroting it back, but now I think about it, that doesn't make sense because if it was unnatural to everyone, it wouldn't exist.

I catch myself watching social interactions and remembering phrases to use next time, controlling my facial expressions, body language, and laughing too quickly at jokes because it sometimes takes me longer than others to understand the joke. (This has caught me out a few times when the joke turns out to be offensive and I regret laughing...) I thought I was good at reading people but I realise now that I'm not – I can never guess people's motives, which has led to being taken advantage of, and I often read people as being cross with me as a default, and when I ask if this is the case they are usually surprised and can't understand why I think that. I have upset people in the past without intending to and so my default mode is to apologise too much.

I end up feeling very tired from socialising and pretending to be "normal", overthinking and practising conversations, and even a four hour lunch with my inlaws can trigger migraines and exhaustion for the next 1-3 days. This was diagnosed in the past as chronic-fatigue, but that description has always felt odd to apply to socialising or going out but not if I spent the day studying or sewing. 

Other issues I have are I get obsessed with details or an interest to the point where I don't achieve anything for a long time, because I am thinking about the minute details, or I don't take care of myself because it doesn't seem as important as whatever I'm working on. I find changes to my routine stressful, and I don't like to be touched. I get upset very easily and am overly sensitive about small things. I can't keep a job longer than a year, this might be coincidence with the economy as it is, but basically any job that involves people I fail at miserably (even stacking shelves in Sainsbury's you have to talk to the public at times), and everything else like graphic design work I just never fit in as well as others, so when job cuts happen, I'm the first to go. I also found full time work too exhausting in an office environment, but can cope ok working remotely from home. I'm currently unemployed but trying to make a go of self-employed design and illustration.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression on multiple occasions, but medication, CBT and talk therapy has never made much difference, no matter how hard I try. I realised I was even masking to my therapist because I wanted her to like me and I wanted to achieve the goals we set out.

As a child I had an excessive interest in Pokémon, beyond that of most children. Since then, I tend to get obsessive about a particular area for a few years and then move on to something else. I didn't learn to speak until I was older than other kids, but learned to read and write extremely quickly. I was bullied for being "weird", told I shouldn't do things like mutter to myself, eat my food a certain way, blink too much, being too quiet or speaking too softly to hear (I still do this), spending lunchtime reading alone – after I knew these things were "bad" I worked very hard to "correct" them. 

I put all of these issues down to low self-esteem and having a creative personality, and that might be the case, but I'm just wondering if there might be more to it. I broached the subject with my mum and she said she often wondered about it but thought I couldn't be on the spectrum, because I love fiction and have a lot of empathy for others to the point where I can start crying for someone I don't even know, which stereotypically does not fit the autism mould. She put it down to me being a "sensitive" child. 

I'm worried that I have learned to adapt and mask so well that if I go to the doctor, I won't be taken seriously. I don't even know if I am on the spectrum, but I feel I must be at least neuro-divergent. I don't even know if a diagnosis would help, but it might make sense of things and I could connect with others and be more myself. On one hand I don't want to have that diagnosis because I feel like it would change everything. On the other hand, if a psychiatrist decided I didn't have it, I might be even more lost and searching for answers. 

Sorry for making this longer than I wanted and if I have said anything to offend anyone, I just really don't know what to do, I'm scared by how depressed and anxious I'm getting even though I just completed a course of therapy a few months ago, and questioning who I am and if I should exist. If you have read this far, thank you.