Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone, so the last 5 days have been a bit crazy and I'm not sure what to think so I'm hoping someone can maybe help.
I'm currently going through a separation with my wife, (we've been married for 15 years and have three kids, we've been separated for three months but we are still living in the same house) and this has started to bring up a lot of things from my past.
My wife has been doing a lot research into Autism and ADHD for the past year and my oldest son is working with a learning support assistants at his school. They think he may be dyslexic and have ADHD.
During my separation with my wife she said that she thinks I'm narcissistic, this hurt me a lot. Now after many conversations with my wife, she now thinks I may be autistic but I'm just not sure.
I've done lots of online tests and I always score very high.
I've put down some of my thoughts yesterday but I just don't know what to think or do. I've copy what I wrote below, its a bit long and it feels strange putting this on the internet as I've never really done anything like this before.
I don't know if I'm now looking for reasons that support this new idea and I'm trying to find behaviour in my past that supports the theory that I'm autistic.
Right here you go.
I was raised in a very strict religious household that dominated my upbringing and meant that most of my childhood was focused on the sometimes very strict church teachings. This made making friends at school very difficult and I didn't make a friend outside the church until I was studying for my A levels. I didn't make any close friends at university and spent most of my time with people I already knew.
As a Child I liked to invent games with words and numbers, I would sit for hours playing a game I invented where I would count the outer and inner parts of letters to see if a page of text would turn out to be even or odd. The goal was for the page to be even.
Examples of even letters are as follows a, d, b, o, pExamples of odd letters are as follows x, c, n, m
I also used this system to try and work my way from the top of a page to the bottom without stopping, an even letter meant I could move right and an odd letter I could move left.
I also had a game where on a car journey I would blink every time we passed a lamppost or road markings.
I played these games for many years until I decided it wasn't “normal” and whenever I started to play them again I would pinched the back of my hand until it hurt to stop myself. This worked, but I still find myself doing it every now and then.
I've always been fascinated with facts, information and maps. I like collecting information about various subjects and I tend to find most subjects very interesting.
I’m dyslexic so I struggle with written communication but I feel like I have a wide vocabulary when talking to people. I do struggle with pronunciation and will often mispronounce words or use them in the wrong context. I used software that reads your text for every email or long message I type for work.
I often find I don't say what I want to people, specifically with people close to me and I will try and get the information I want out of them without being direct.
I don't really like being in a large or small group and will tend to stay on the outskirts. I have a lot of social anxiety before any social occasions or group activities. Unless I’m talking about a subject matter I know, I often find I don't know what to say and this makes me very anxious. I am very self conscious about how I look and how I’m perceived and I have ongoing issues with my body image.
I will try to run through multiple conversations in my head before most interactions so that I can use them in a social environment. I will practice these conversations over and over again until I know what I’m going to say.
Over the years I have learnt a few key social skills that seem to work well, eg, asking people questions, this is great because I can then use this information if I see that person again. Also, asking people for help with something, I have used this idea with success at work as generally it’ll ingratiate you with a group or individual people.
I’ve found I’m very good at using different personas with people and groups and I’m able to switch between them depending on the situation.
I suffer with constant tinnitus and have a very distracting ringing in my ears at all times. I’ve found I can not concentrate with office or house noise happening around me but I can zone out and super focus if I need to.
I can’t focus and struggle to form thoughts if there are multiple noises coming from different locations, eg. cooking noises, music and children all happening at the same time
I have one close friend and one another person I'm friends with from 6th form and I have never really been part of a large friendship group. I will try and think of multiple conversation points before meeting friends or family so that I have something to talk about.
I have been successful at work, my job requires me to remember a large amount of technical detail and information, I find I can do this with ease. I’m then required to use this information in different situations and apply it. There is also a large amount of problem solving and I get a great deal of satisfaction from solving technical issues.
My job also is heavily reliant on strict orders of operations, certain projects require processes to be done in a very specific way. I have found over the years that I’m able to retain a lot of technical information very quickly and then apply it.
Routine is incredibly important for me, I like to plan my whole day/week (usually in hour slots). In general I know the time and distance to most places so I can plan as exactly as possible the time it takes to get anywhere.
If I’ve agreed to be somewhere, I will be there at least 5 mins early, just in case something happens. I will plan ahead of time, what time I will be eating and what I’ll be eating, when I’ll exercise, when I’ll be cleaning up and what, what I’ll be watching on TV and so on. If something happens out of my control that gets in the way of this, it can make me very anxious and annoyed.
I devote a lot of time thinking about my daily/weekly plan.
I’m very good at day to day tasks and like to plan them out with lists but I sometimes find any job or project that isn't on my normal day to day routine very hard to do and it can take me a long time to do that task.
Hi there,
Firstly, sorry to hear you are going through a separation. That must be hard and certainly would bring up a lot of questions and emotions.
Reading through your post resonates a lot with me as all the things you are describing sound a lot like my husbands experience too. He was brought up religiously (as was I) and it always caused such an intense confusion and guilt growing up, especially in my husband, who now being older and independent, rejects it completely. We both have autistic characteristics (undiagnosed) which we have only come to realise in the last few years, when we were starting the assessment process for our 5 year old. It was like a light had suddenly been switched on, it explains a lot from our pasts and how we cope and struggle with everyday things in adulthood. We both get social anxiety and stick to a small friend group. My husband had similar experiences to you in his childhood, He would invent games around numbers and often played alone, preferring his own company as he had issues with cleanliness and misunderstanding people.
In terms of your dyslexia/communication issues, autism is often associated with a learning difficulty so that's not uncommon. When you say you 'don't know how to talk to people' - I feel like this a lot! I can't discuss emotions easily, which usually means I clam up and say nothing. Then I get really angry, usually at the other person because I can't understand why they don't know what I'm feeling. This happens every time we argue. Due to us both being on the spectrum, we find it hard to communicate and understand each other sometimes. We are both very different in our approach to things in life, with only some things we agree on. There's a saying 'once you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person' - in other words no two autistic people are the same. Usually when people hear the word autism they think of someone they distantly know and instantly start comparing, usually resulting in the conclusion that said person couldn't possibly have autism because they don't e.g. rock back and forth (stimming). When this isn't actually the case at all because everyone presents differently, at different levels and males and females are usually completely different in their autistic qualities.
My husband is loud and gets angry during arguments (he calls it 'seeing red') and doesn't tend to listen much to what I'm saying. It often feels very one-sided. He repeats what he has said over and over to emphasise a point he's trying to make and ignores all the other comments until I back down and acknowledge what he is saying. I usually go very quiet and say nothing as I hate confrontations and can't think clearly enough to articulate my thoughts. I've realised over time that it's just how we are and neither of us will change. I do find our arguments intense but then we are both intense people and they can get heated quickly over the silliest things. I have come to realise he thinks the way he does because he's autistic and maybe not a narcissist - which I have called him before also! He does appear to lack empathy when I'm distressed during and after an argument which makes me feel alone and misunderstood. He comes across as arrogant as he thinks he is right all the time and he can't not correct someone if he hears them say something that he deems to be wrong! He also says constantly how he doesn't like most people 'because people are idiots!' - which sometimes I laugh at but other times his negativity bothers me. But in hindsight, we have come a long way in understanding each other more. I know he can't control those parts of his personality so I have to learn to live with them. Of course he has other lovely qualities too, I just wanted to point out that we have experience something similar to you.
During lockdown when we were both at home a lot I felt that a separation was imminent at times too! I realised that in order to cope with his awkwardness and cynicism I usually tend to go out a lot to 'escape' and get my head cleared but obviously that wasn't possible. Thankfully now, it's getting better so I get out more and we are definitely arguing less.
I too practise conversations in my head with people, to try and memorise conversation leads but I have learnt to take cues form other people and copy how other people do it.
My husband has sensory difficulties, particularly with sound. He cannot stand the sound of outside faraway noise because he says he has to focus on it and can't place what it is. I used to wonder why he got so agitated with kids playing or screaming outside but anything repetitive drives him nuts, especially a ball being kicked against a wall. He will obsess about it until it stops.
As I said, we both have a few friends and I prefer to be one to one with people as I find it stressful trying to split my focus between two or more people.
My husband also has a technical job and they all think he is amazing as he can do things and remember information like no one else can! It sounds like you have the right job suited to you, so that's fantastic - I'm sure you are an asset to your company!
Lastly, my husband also suffers from extreme self-consciousness and has a terribly negative body image. I'm always telling him how great he looks etc but even when he lost a lot of weight in in previous years he never believed me. He has what we call 'autistic days' when I've planned a family outing or a big walk and he can sometimes wake up in a self conscious mood were he doesn't want to be around people. He tells me now when he feels so insecure and 'not himself' that he would only have a negative impact on the day with his mood if he came out. So I carry on without him sometimes. It used to cause arguments between us as I couldn't understand why he couldn't just 'force' it and change his behaviour. But I now know it's something very real for him and he can't control it. I do worry that he hides from the world too much sometimes but he has always been like that, so I respect it. He hates crowds of people, so we tend to go out early now when there's less people about.
Sorry for the long post! I hope some of this resonates with you and you get something from it. Don't be too hard on yourself, in time you will learn to accept who you are and your many strengths. If a formal diagnosis is something you would like to pursue, make an appointment with your GP, that's the first step. But once you get into the diagnosis process, they want to know lots of information so I think it requires a lot of self evaluation and recognising the characteristics that make you different.
If you are interested in learning more about autism you could try an online course in your spare time. Futurelearn do an 'Understanding Autism' and 'Supporting and Engaging People with Autism' They only take 4-6 weeks to complete, you can do them at anytime, at your own pace and they're free! I got a lot out of them.
Also, the fact that your wife looked up and researched autism on your behalf clearly means she cares about you. I did the same for my husband and daughter and fed the info back to him.
All the best ;)
Thank you so much for taking the time to write that it really helps a lot and it's bonkers how similar so much of that sounds.
I properly laughed at 'because people are idiots! I don't even know how often I've said that.
I'll definitely take a look at FutureLearn as well, I love learning new stuff and if it helps that can only be an added bonus.
It's crazy looking back now at how my wife and I behaved in certain situations and everything is slowly making a bit more sense.
It would always drive her crazy that I'd ask a million questions when she'd been out, she always felt I was checking up on her. I did my best to explain that I wasn't and that I 100% trusted her but I could never explain correctly. But she's slowly starting to see that I just love gathering information and I really don't care what that information is.
I'd imagine that I can be a bit exhausting at times :)
We're now talking again so I'm hoping she can see that when things get a bit too much to handle I sometimes just can't help myself.
Thank you again :)
Hope you manage to work things out.