introduction + i might be autistic

Hello! My name is Starr or Scott, and I use ze/zir pronouns, but they/them are fine as well (AFAB, as that influences traits often). I have been thinking over more recently if I am autistic, although such has been something I have considered since middle school.

So!! From this point I'll attach a little (long) document I made which I contemplate this in reference to traits. Also, please note: I don't believe that I can be diagnosed by people on the internet, however I do wish for some guidance/validation. I also am unsure as of if I'd be capable to get a diagnosis until much further in life, given it's potential to cause issues for child custody cases. Especially given any diagnosis as of current would have to be done through collaboration with my abuser, and could cause me to get in a dangerous environment due to such. 

*Sorry about any typos, I did this in one sitting and have yet to look it over*

TW/CW: Abuse, S/H, Ptsd, Psychosis, Assault, General

FIRST

The DSM-5 Criteria

A.

1- Has a habit of monologuing about things for a long time, bad continuing back and forth without doing such.

    2- Have been told that tone is rude/aggressive even when trying to be nice. Excessive eye contact, having to remind self to break it

    3- Difficulty in developing relationships. However, has very different ways of interacting with different people based on social and personal hierarchy

B.

    1- Stims, often physically through just bouncing, rocking, clapping, and things of that type. Also Stims a lot when overstimulated with emotions, often flapping/rocking hands, shaking head, twitching head to side.. If breakdown, will hit self stimming. Organizes things specific patterns often, to relieve stress or  otherwise just a general thing I do. Also randomly makes noises often, to stim. Certain words, or just sounds.

    2- Not much with this, I can become upset if something I set up, just internally, is messed up slightly. But don’t follow a specific ritual, closest to that is daily lists, which is far off. 

    3- I think this is in reference to special interests, which i often do have. I will get entranced in a topic, or media, and then only rely on that as a source of happiness for a while. This will often be shows, and things of that type. But occasionally I can be others, and I will often forget to do work, eat, or take care of myself generally when so entranced in it. However, these often don’t exceed too long, andare maily a few days to 2 months.

    4- Hypersensitive sounds, can’t stand sounds, even super quiet, that  I don’t like. This often happens at night, but is otherwise a thing as well. And can often over stimulate me. Also touch is a thing I’m sensitive to. As certain fabrics, or the sensation of air on certain parts of my body, or hair on face, or generally a lot of sensations, can cause me to become over-stimulated. Often don’t have such a smell or light, or at least not super noticeably. Often will not be good at consuming too much media at once, such as watching something consciously and talking. However, watching something and drawing is easy. I also often findI need subtitles unless there's not much other external stimuli, as It is difficult to understand what one is saying. Also, I have issues understanding others, even if I should otherwise be able to, if there's too much stimulus.

SECOND 

The “Females with Autism: An Unofficial Checklist”

Will mean check (yes)
Will mean x (no)  
         +/-     Will mean combo (both)

Section A: Deep Thinkers

A deep thinker +
A prolific writer drawn to poetry +
*Highly intelligent -/+
Sees things at multiple levels, including their own thinking processes +
Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything, continually +
Serious and matter-of-fact in nature -/+
Doesn’t take things for granted +
Doesn’t simplify +
Everything is complex +
Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out” (blank stare) +
Section B: Innocent

Naïve -
Honest +/-
Experiences trouble with lying -
Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty -
Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation -
Easily fooled and conned -
Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed +
Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet +
Feelings of isolation +
Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone +
Section C: Escape and Friendship

Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action +
Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects +
Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming +
Escapes through mental processing +
Escapes through the rhythm of words ?/-
Philosophizes, continually +
Had imaginary friends in youth +
Imitates people on television or in movies +
Treated friends as “pawns” in youth; e.g., friends were “students” “consumers” “members” +
Makes friends with older or younger females more so than friends her age (often in young adulthood) +
Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, attitude, interests, and manner (sometimes speech) +
Obsessively collects and organizes objects +
Mastered imitation +
Escapes by playing the same music over and over +
Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real) +
Numbers bring ease (could be numbers associated with patterns, calculations, lists, time and/or personification) +
Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging +
Escapes into other rooms at parties +
Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts +
Everything has a purpose +
Section D: Comorbid Attributes

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) -
Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste) (might have Synthesia) +
Generalized Anxiety -/+ (has paranoia)
Sense of pending danger or doom +
Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive) +
Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination (may have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and/or Hypotonia and/or POTS syndrome) +
Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten -
Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues -
Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges -
Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with a mental illness + (not diagnosed but defo has so adding)
Experiences multiple physical symptoms, perhaps labeled “hypochondriac” -
Questions place in the world +
Often drops small objects +
Wonders who they are  and what is expected of them +
Searches for right and wrong +
Since puberty has had bouts of depression (may have PMDD) -/+ (has had depression before puberty due to trauma)
Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often +
Section E: Social Interaction

Friends have ended friendship suddenly (without female with AS understanding why) and/or difficult time making friends +
Tendency to overshare +
Spills intimate details to strangers +
Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class +
Little impulse control with speaking when younger -
Monopolizes conversation at times +
Brings subject back to self -
Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling (is not narcissistic) + 
Shares in order to reach out +
Often sounds eager and over-zealous or apathetic and disinterested +
Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside +
Feels as if they are  attempting to communicate “correctly” +
Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest or feasible new friendship +
Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation - (understands, hard to practice or acknowledge/notice and appropriately react)
Conversation are often exhausting +
Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually +
Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-filter +
Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people +
Visualizes and practices how they  will act around others +
Practices/rehearses in mind what they will say to another before entering the room +
Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others +
Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells them  what to say and how to act when in a social situation +
Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others +
As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk +
Finds norms of conversation confusing +
Finds unwritten and unspoken rules difficult to grasp, remember, and apply +
Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing” +
One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member) +
Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, but that doesn’t relieve the anxiety +
Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar +
Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up +
All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about +
She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event +
OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well) -
Questions next steps and movements, continually +/- (used to)
Sometimes feels as if they are  on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when they are  home alone -/+ (used to)
Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy. -
Knowing they are  staying home all day brings great peace of mind +
Requires a large amount of down time or alone time +
Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest +
Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms -
Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater -
Section G: Sensitive

Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep +
Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort +
Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature +
Highly intuitive to others’ feelings +
Highly empathetic, sometimes to the point of confusion +
Takes criticism to heart +
Longs to be seen, heard, and understood +
Questions if they are  a “normal” person +
Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions -
At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words +
Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily, if not hourly +
Becomes hurt when others question or doubt their  work +
Views many things as an extension of self +
Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment +/-
Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people +
Collects or rescues animals (often in childhood) +
Huge compassion for suffering (sometimes for inanimate objects/personification) +
Sensitive to substances (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, medication, hormones, etc.) +
Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action +
Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person +
Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts +
Section H: Sense of Self

Feels trapped between wanting to be themself and wanting to fit in +
Imitates others without realizing it +/- (often recognizes it, and actively tries to)
Suppresses true wishes (often in young adulthood) +
Exhibits codependent behaviors (often in young adulthood) +
Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule + (more so in past)
Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms +
Feelings of extreme isolation +
Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work -
Switches preferences based on environment and other people +
Switches behavior based on environment and other people +
Didn’t care about their  hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to them-
“Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later +
Young sounding voice -
Trouble recognizing what they look like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces) +
Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve) - (opposite kind of)
Section I: Confusion

Had a hard time learning that others are not always honest -
Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable (selves and others’) +
Confuses appointment times, numbers, and/or dates +
Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest +
Spoke frankly and literally in youth +
Jokes go over the head +/-
Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray -
Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme +/-
Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike +
Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt them -
Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity -
Difficulty recognizing how extreme emotions (outrage, deep love) will affect them  and challenges transferring what has been learned about emotions from one situation to the next +
Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white +
The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood (all or nothing mentality) -
A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world +
A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss +
Section J: Words, Numbers, and Patterns

Likes to know word origins and/or origin of historical facts/root cause and foundation -
Confused when there is more than one meaning (or spelling) to a word +
High interest in songs and song lyrics +
Notices patterns frequently +
Remembers things in visual pictures +
Remembers exact details about someone’s life +
Has a remarkable memory for certain details +
Writes or creates to relieve anxiety +
Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words and/or numbers +
Words and/or numbers bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship +/-
(Optional) Executive Functioning & Motor Skills  This area isn’t always as evident as other areas

Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship +
Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome +/-
New places offer their own set of challenges +
Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic +
The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety +
Mundane tasks are avoided +
Cleaning self and home may seem insurmountable -
Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task +
Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia and/or dysgraphia +
A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming +/-
Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class +
Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are; not being able to locate something or thinking about locating something can cause feelings of intense anxiety (object permanence challenges), even with something as simple as opening an envelope +

THIRD

“My Autism Checklist” By Devon Price

Sound sensitivity - I often find sound is the hardest for me. I need almost perfect silence to sleep, or to work, or think. Often I am unable to watch shows if there's too many things externally happening, and I get sometimes randomly agitated with sound even if I willingly put it on. A clicking of a clock, a hand playing away on a switch, anything dignifiable. And I also find this is why I dislike most animals, the sound of anything existing in a way which I did not desire or anticipate aggravates me and makes me upset. I have stood in an almost silent room many times, trying to find what an anonymous clicking is. Sound is my worst enemy oftentimes, and often is a cause for any external overstimulation. However, to note: I have hallucinations and get triggered by sounds.

 Light sensitivity - I find light is alright for me, my main issues with light typically stem from trauma. And with such, certain lighting triggering me. In the realm of sensitivity, the most of which I struggle with is sometimes light when sleeping will simply aggravate me, and make me upset. Same applies to light coming through windows and such when I don’t think it should or don’t want it to. Light is something which can overstimulate me, but it is very lacking at least in reference to sound or textures.

Textures are a big one, fabrics and hair are the primary things which cause overstimulation for me. These can make me feel really nasty, and even itchy for no reason, generally overstimulating. I also find that certain extrues, like food, or such, even seeing it can over-stimulate me, and generally cause me to stim aggressively in response. However, note: I have hallucinations so I can be overstimulated by those and I also find that diffientation can be hard.

Childhood social issues - I always had issues connecting with other kids, and was labeled weird early on. I also had a speech impediment, which made me almost impossible to understand. This being really early school, I had lacked many friends. Only once I started masking hard core and accumulating personalities to put on for people, and places, did I often find I could be partly accepted. Generally, I had always been socially inept with others, and started thinking of people as ‘pawns’ and things of that such early on, as that was the only way I understood relating with others.

Coordination and Motor Skills - I always had issues following specific steps, however it wasn’t impossible. And my memories of such often came from the point that I am left handed, and therefore, often am taught by people using their right hand. I have a bad sense of direction, coordination, and perspective. I often drop things, have trouble turning corners, and bump into things. I have had pretty bad posture, however, fixating on such has improved it. And my handwriting has always been a difficulty for anyone to read.

Hygiene and Grooming - I have been as aware of this as I can, and often am a bit hyper aware. I like being clean, and I can’t really access this in childhood as I was often in poor situations and neglected, so until I became able to do so myself, hygiene wasn’t up to me or a concern. When I was able to, I took such seriously. I have worn makeup for much longer than someone my age should, and although suc has caused a few bouts of dissocations, I generally function well with such and now find extreme pleasure in putting on wild makeup and clothes. 

Body awareness - I had struggled with body issues in a worse way when I was younger. Believing my 11 year old legs were too big, my facial features were too small, everything was wrong in one way or another. And I still feel some of this now, my hands are too big. Then they're too small. My legs are small, my legs are big, my legs are medium. My legs have muscle, no my legs have flab. I am super tall, and towering. I feel so small. I can’t even register others existiances next to me. My arms- oh god my arms. They are too scrawny one day, too big the next. They look awkward, they are lanky. No, they are graceful. I struggle a lot with my perception of my body, and I do love it as I do, but I find myself being shocked when I look in the mirror. But also, treading not to look too long. I ask people how I look, if I am small, as a general statement. I compare my height, hand sizes, feet, and such with others, as a point of reference. Because my personal image changes and gets distorted so fast, it is so difficult to remain a constant.Pictures not taken by myself scare me, as I am never sure how I look, and when I see it, I always look so off, 

Social scripting - For me, it often goes beyond that. I will not only script for people, makeup ideas of how to speak to them. But I also make up personalities, observe what they do, see how they respond to certain things, and implement them more. I do a lot, simply to make myself seem normal, or good, to that singular person. I did this throughout all of my childhood, and up to now. I will do what I can to be seen as preferable to that person,, who I am to each of my friends is different. As of now, only the people I have recently lived with know who I am without me being completely masked. However, I also find I feel a sense of guilt for such, and feel as if my attempts to ‘fit in’ are truly just manipulation, not masking.I studied people from a young age, how they walked, talked, the slang they used. I’d even taught myself how to keep excessive eye contact because I was told it was good (to such an extent I had to be told to learn and break it). I also find though, my tone is still sometimes an issue when I'm not putting enough effort in. Or even, if I am. My tone is typically rude, condescending, and generally, impolite. Even when saying thank you or excuse me to people, my friends have told me I sounded rude, yet to me, I am sincerely saying such. 

Special interests - I realize now, that I get these often. However, they are short lived. When Iwas young, I'd go into bouts for a few weeks to a few months, about certain topics. I read all the books I could on Egypt at my school, and often found myself trying to write in what the books taught were the language in my free time. I had also become enveloped in the concept of black holes, and the water holes, and would spend hours as a kid, reading, and watching videos about them. Talking about them to anyone that would listen, this was leiky one of my biggest as a kid. I did a similar thing with a nurse for a while, I had become obsessed with learning multiplication tables, and being able to do it fast, and go up to a high number. There are many examples, chinese history, card towers, alligators, inside functions of plants, and my grandma's native history. I was often enveloped in such. And now, I find I have similar things. Often with topics but many with media and stories. I get obsessed with specific shows and characters, and only do such things related to consuming that content, without regard to other health concerns. I even do this with my own projects and stories from time to time. I get so caught up in my interests, I put esting, spelling, and work, all to the side.

Over-Identification with Non-Humans - I find this is not something which I have much now, as I often am very attached to humanity and people. As a child, I often found this thought. I cared and related more to animals, both in films and in real life, verses to people. That has largely changed, and i have fond I dislike animals generally as i have grown up. With characters, I also find IT typically associates myself more with human characters. The closest to this which I could get, would be my allegation from humanity as a person, in reference to my gender. However, even then, I do very much view self as a person, and solely care about myself in association with such.

Eye contact - I used to be really bad at eye contact, but had offered to condition myself to maintain consistent eye contact. It doesn't matter if the person looked away, I often keep it until my attention is diverged. So, the issue isn't the lack of eye contact, but over use of suc. I sometimes have to remind myself to look away at times, as to keep it appropriate. This was something I had done often before in school.

Noverbal shutdowns - I am generally awful at confrontation, at what I see as a result of trauma. However, I suppose it could be relevant here. However, most of my nonverbal shu downs, or what may be like such, happen when I am being over stimulated or really emotional and I simply don't want to talk It has no association with confrontation, or a desire to say something, and an inability to do so, it is simply a fundamental desire to not speak and be left alone, or not to be expected of a response. I sometimes do this even when not emotional, sometimes giving small responses, or signing off such, because verbal communication is simply exhausting at that point.

Stimming - I have found I often seemed as a kid, with hand flaps, and shaking my head. However, for many years between then and now, due to abuse, I had been masking essentially all the time. Such wasn’t able to happen, I was not allowed to stim, or express anything. The times which I can say I had noticeable stimmed, it was in conjunction with self harm, and much would happen when I was having meltdowns. I'd do it for a few moments, then go back to being stone faced. Since I have slowly become less masked, I have noticed I simed more. I do it often when over stimulated, such as too many sounds or such can cause my arms to jerk, or head sometimes. Bad emotional things can cause me to shake my head, or even such happens in association with anything which overstimulated me in  a bad way. I do arm flaps and such if I am really over stimulated, upset, or happy. Also jerk my arm when I am stressed. I bounce my legs often, and sometimes just kind of bounce generally, I move side to side, and clap, tap or stomp my feet, chew on my finger and thumbs, things of that type, on the regular.

Hyperfocus - I am hyper focusing right now, as I write all of this in one sitiny as opposed to doing one page of an english paper due in an hour. I get hyper focused, where nothing else matters on good productive days, often for writing, and for drawing. I sometimes find I do such for school, but it is mostly fueled by things which I enjoy, but in association with such from before, can be due to dimly a desire to do things and get stuff done. I also don't like pole talking or distracting me during such, and will often come off as somewhat purposely agitated.

Understanding and naming internal states - I am in a constant  state of over analysis of myself, however even then, I often find I forget to do basic human functions. I forgot to rest, until my stomach was yelling at me, or forgot to use the restroom, until my bladder was about to explode. However, this is often in a more so associated with my hyperfocus or hyper fixations. I totally make an effort to control my emotions and act accordingly. However, I also find that acting accordingly can be difficult, when causes can be extremely valuable and strange. However I typically pride myself on my ability to understand how I am feeling, and attempt to access it.I do find though, feelings of such in relation to others is common to me, as I can not denounce feelings towards others for a while, until it all accumulates to a firing ball of hate or care for them.

Note: I have considered the possibility of being autistic for about 4-5 years, and I have looked at a decent amount of resources before this. I have watched many videos, and read different diagnostic criteria on such, and different autistic people's recollections and experiences. Such is also why I include two different points of basing references, which come from afab autistic people, rather than just baseline diagnostics. I have also accounted for possibilities of intersections in relation to my ptsd, as there are a bit of such for ptsd and autism. There is also association between autism and psychosis, which I have. And while the traits of autism are not confusable with those of psychosis, autistic people are more likely to have it.

Resources I have used specifically for list references:

carautismroadmap.org/diagnostic-criteria-for-autism-spectrum-disorder-in-the-dsm5/

the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

devonprice.medium.com/my-autism-checklist-e7cb66c7c719