Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I'm the mother of an adult daughter diagnosed 3 years ago. She has an 8 year old daughter and they both live with me.
My problem is that she is very untidy, verging on the dirty. Her bedroom looks like that of a messy teenager but she's 34. I never go into her bedroom, she doesn't like anyone going in there, but sometimes the smell is quite bad. I do all the house work and her daughter's washing. Otherwise her chaos would take over the house and the little one would have no clean clothes. Her room can be full of dirty dishes and I have to ask her to fill the dishwasher when we run out of bowls/plates! I get attitude from her when I do this.
She spends a lot of her time in her bedroom and can have very little interaction with her daughter. It's not just lockdown, she's always been this way. She does live her daughter very much and i know she tries hard.
I'm 63 and get exhausted trying to keep things as 'normal ' as I possibly can for my grand daughter and stop my mental health from deterioration. The little one has asked me why I always look after her and do all the housework. She's starting to comment that her mother is very lazy, I have no idea how to respond. I've suggested to my daughter that she explains her diagnosis to her daughter but as yet she hasn't.
Please can anyone help me in how to deal with this? How can I get her to feel better about herself and get motivated? Is this unusual behaviour at this age? Thank you so much for listening.
Hi Betina,I am father of an adult autist in late twenties with the same self care issues, despite a great deal of intelligence and capability. Fortunately we are able to talk easily now after many years building trust. But the same things apply they need their space to be private but dont take care of it, or keep clean. Washing up is a Big Deal, and I dont mean that as criticism I mean I understand it is an enormous effort for them. So I totally identify with what you are saying.I have often debated with myself are they being lazy, should I be being more directive. But I always come down on the side of supporting and trusting that they are managing their time and energy as best they can, but are overloaded enough that they cannot do tasks that they know matter. But in my case if I do decide not to fix stuff and let them experience the consequences of their own decisions, then it doesnt really affect anyone else. That is what is different in your situation and reason that the comments of others to get help with this are so appropriate.
Others have made some great suggestions. Talk to other people, get some support, dont let yourself be overloaded. I can see you know you need to take care of yourself as well, dont feel you have to solve everything.
On motivation that is such a key question. In my case they say that they dont have any, basically about anything. Certainly they have desires to be creative, to do things that others recognise as worthwhile, to achieve something to be proud in, to not be disruptive for others around them. But they say this doesnt connect up well with the actions that would be needed to reach those goals. I think recognition, pride, not being disruptive are very complex concepts to them, so they dont feel any confidence that they can choose the correct action to achieve them.
We have the most success with simple direct specific requests which have advance warning wherever possible. Your sisters are coming to stay could you clean your bathroom before they come at the weekend is much more likely to managed than please keep you bathroom clean for guests at all times. Of course sisters are a great help, they give direct feedback anyway!
Is it unusual behaviour, I doubt it. My sister may be an undiagnosed autist. Once she left home she had intermittent trouble keeping her flat and self clean, which cycled with her depression. But she never had children.
I think you are an absolute hero taking care of them both and wish you every success with finding help. Make sure you look after yourself. Get help if you need it.
"Bizzle" thats kinda funny
Yes it is. Its a term used by locals for Bristol