Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I'm the mother of an adult daughter diagnosed 3 years ago. She has an 8 year old daughter and they both live with me.
My problem is that she is very untidy, verging on the dirty. Her bedroom looks like that of a messy teenager but she's 34. I never go into her bedroom, she doesn't like anyone going in there, but sometimes the smell is quite bad. I do all the house work and her daughter's washing. Otherwise her chaos would take over the house and the little one would have no clean clothes. Her room can be full of dirty dishes and I have to ask her to fill the dishwasher when we run out of bowls/plates! I get attitude from her when I do this.
She spends a lot of her time in her bedroom and can have very little interaction with her daughter. It's not just lockdown, she's always been this way. She does live her daughter very much and i know she tries hard.
I'm 63 and get exhausted trying to keep things as 'normal ' as I possibly can for my grand daughter and stop my mental health from deterioration. The little one has asked me why I always look after her and do all the housework. She's starting to comment that her mother is very lazy, I have no idea how to respond. I've suggested to my daughter that she explains her diagnosis to her daughter but as yet she hasn't.
Please can anyone help me in how to deal with this? How can I get her to feel better about herself and get motivated? Is this unusual behaviour at this age? Thank you so much for listening.
You could consider reframing what you consider as 'normal' and try to consider creative solutions It's difficult to be motivated to do things that could/will cause stress and anxiety.
For example, what can be done to make it easier for her to spend time outside her bedroom (including mealtimes so plates don't go in there in the first place). But bearing in mind she will probably still need alone time / recovery time.
In particular, are there sounds, noises, etc. that might be stresses? Does she cope better 1:1 than in a group of 3 etc?
(What you've not said is how stressed/anxious/depressed she might be - some of that can be a rational response to social/sensory difficulties)
Thank you. I think her bedroom is her safe space. She is very, very depressed. We do eat together but she makes snacks/drinks and takes them to her room. I hesitate to put rules in place about this, could make her feel worse? I wonder if she is exhausted with life and neither she nor I know how the best way out of this.