Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I'm the mother of an adult daughter diagnosed 3 years ago. She has an 8 year old daughter and they both live with me.
My problem is that she is very untidy, verging on the dirty. Her bedroom looks like that of a messy teenager but she's 34. I never go into her bedroom, she doesn't like anyone going in there, but sometimes the smell is quite bad. I do all the house work and her daughter's washing. Otherwise her chaos would take over the house and the little one would have no clean clothes. Her room can be full of dirty dishes and I have to ask her to fill the dishwasher when we run out of bowls/plates! I get attitude from her when I do this.
She spends a lot of her time in her bedroom and can have very little interaction with her daughter. It's not just lockdown, she's always been this way. She does live her daughter very much and i know she tries hard.
I'm 63 and get exhausted trying to keep things as 'normal ' as I possibly can for my grand daughter and stop my mental health from deterioration. The little one has asked me why I always look after her and do all the housework. She's starting to comment that her mother is very lazy, I have no idea how to respond. I've suggested to my daughter that she explains her diagnosis to her daughter but as yet she hasn't.
Please can anyone help me in how to deal with this? How can I get her to feel better about herself and get motivated? Is this unusual behaviour at this age? Thank you so much for listening.
I don’t think there is advise random outsiders online can give to this kind of thing, i will try to branhc out on some things for you to think about but only you reallky get your situation so i mean....
do you and ur daughter do therapy regularly or get any kind of professional aid that can help your daughter develop some of these hygiene skills or find other ways she can help so your burden is lightened? I have some bad habits and issues and i do feel bad when they impact other people but i also am open to hearing other people express their discomfort and try to work on it because i know how i would feel if i was in their shoes.....so i work with them to figure out a compromise for everyone to be more comfortable. im not sure if this is something you can really teach now to a 34 year old. Not that 34 year olds can’t learn of course...but not if they dont want to.
also maybe your daughter and granddaughter want to start going to therapy together if you can afford it or at least scheduling 1 on 1 time to stay connected and considerate of each other. I may be speaking out of line but since your the one posing the question And i think it important to really address the gravity of this situation i will say i find it alarming that your daughter had a kid before developing the emotional maturity to be upfront about her diagnosis with her own kid. i mean everyone deserves to have a kid if they can handle it, but your daughter, for all the love she has, is not able to take care of herself or the kid, and is being entirely neglectful, based on what you’ve stated. Neglect can really mess up a developing child, which is why im being so harsh. If your daughter was just struggling and not confusing your daughter or potentially hurting her in the process thta would totally be one thing but once you get a kid involved, you cant be as leisurely about self improvement because your own flaws dont just affect you anymore.
I’m sure none of this is easy to be in that age range of a grandparent having to take care of a child again. It will be draining and odd for both you and your granddaughter but it sort of seems to late for change.
one last thing, This may seem dark but what does your daughter plan on doing when you can no longer take care of her? Will she need to go into an assisted living facility because she is not capable of caring for herself? or is she capable enough that she will start taking care of herself because she has to? If she can manage it but doesnt i suggest you start pulling the breaks now, applying those pressures while your still capaable of helping her grow, and start making your daughter well aware that if she wants to keep living under your roof and living with her daughter, she has to step up and atleast clean up her own space. If she is not capable and may actually benefit from assisted living...I’d start looking into it, assisted living is always a touchy subject no matter what demographic it involves, but in some cases it is whats best for all parties. If your daughter is genuinely unable to support herself, Based on your current situation, it sounds like it might be a benefit to consider it
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your reply.
My daughter is talking with a therapist, qualified in autism. I am a counsellor but have no expertise in counselling an autistic client. However I do know that you have to be able to be very honest about yourself to get the best out of any session. I don't think she has the energy currently to do this. Hopefully I am wrong
My grand daughter is a very sweet, kind and loving little girl. She loves her mother deeply. She is a child who has a very complicated personal (not withstanding her mother's difficulties). I work with her and so far she is a very well adjusted child. She is showing great resilience.
She came into the world years before her mother's diagnosis. A time when my daughter had spent over 25years trying very hard to be neurotypical. Even when she got her diagnosis, when she asked for help/support in bringing up her child, she was told there wasn't any! Her psychiatrist had a conversation with me, telling me how lucky she was to have my support!
Sadly there are no assisted living places where we live. I've had discussions with her sisters and we feel that some kind of life coach would be beneficial. If there was such a thing. Someone who could pop in from time to time, chat, keep watch over things. Someone other than me, maybe she would find it easier to listen.
I am new to looking into local authority provision for autism, but my first reaction to this is really? In general if the local authorities recognise a need they have a legal obligation to make some provision. Often they need a push. I spent many years as a home education advocate correcting the education authorities misunderstandings about home education and/or their failure to provide an education suitable to a particular child. Most of the time they got away with it just because most people didnt know to challenge them. I presume someone on here can give advice on this point or direct you to someone who can. Local community lawyers are also often excellent on this sort of thing and very happy to point you in the right direction about what services should be provided.Lets face it if you werent there she would HAVE to be provided assisted living. The fact that you are coping now is no reason not to provide her/you some support.https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england-carers/carers-assessments The Autism Act 2009 clearly requires the local authority to assess and make provision for needs relating to autism diagnosis. It looks to me like that hasnt happened.https://www.autism.org.uk/directory/search-results?searchTerm=legal&postalcode=&radius=0