Finally feeling ready to use my voice (words)

Hello everyone,

It has taken me a while to know how to introduce my self on here and I finally feel like I should. My name is Adam and I am 38 years old and I am currently self diagnosed. Being autistic has never been on my radar until the end of last year. I have always felt different since as long as I can remember but I would constantly tell my self that everyone feels the way I do. By that I mean I have always struggled making friends or just being in social situations. When I did make friends I found the whole experience became really overwhelming. I would get to the point when I just could not handle being around anyone and I needed to be alone. The opportunity to make new friends and create relationships became lesser as I got older, which looking back I feel like this was because over time I just started to avoid the chance to make friends to prevent the experience happening again. I have not had a close friend since I was in high school.

I have had relationships all throughout my life which have always suffered for reasons I never fully understood. I am currently in a relationship that I have been a part of for ten years. It has always had tough periods and for the most part I didn't really understand why until recently. This past year came with many problems. Not including covid-19, I have had a difficult time at work because I have been mistreated and bullied and eventually had to take my employers to a work tribunal because they changed my contract without consent. This led to an increase in the mistreatment at work, often I was completely ignored despite trying to communicate with them. I eventually received a threatening phone call from my employers and I have not been to work since, I have never taken time off work in my life and now I find my self unable to face being there. While all of this was going on I also lost my dog in August of last year and I am suffering just as much today I was then with that loss. I got to a point where I completely broke down. This was where autism came to my attention. My partner found an article about autistic burnout which I read and instantly felt like I was reading an article about my own life. This led me to read a lot more about autism which I identified with so much of. I referred myself to the nhs wellbeing service and have been talking to a therapist for a few weeks now, mostly about my social anxieties and difficulties I have with communicating with people. At first I thought it was helping but I am now feeling like I have hit a bit of a wall with that. 

My relationship has always had its ups and downs like I imagine most relationships do. We are currently in a place where I am trying to understand more about autism and the effects being autistic has had on my life without even realising it was. I am building up to speaking to my doctor and getting an official diagnosis but at the moment the prospect is very scary to me. I don't know if my relationship is going to survive everything that we have been through, I see that it has been just as hard on my partner as it has for me and currently it seems like too much damage has been done. I feel very anxious right now because so much in my life is changing and I am very much a creature of habit. 

I emailed the national autistic society just before Christmas and their response led me here. I feel like I have been on a very big rant here and I if anyone is still reading then I do appreciate that. I think I just needed to say some of these things somewhere and around people that might understand where I am at.

Thank you for giving me the space to do this.