Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everybody, I'm new here. After a lifetime of loneliness and confusion, I've finally been finding answers and decided to join a community.
I would like to tell my story:
Growing up as a young child, I was labelled a "problem child" and the teachers did not want to deal with me. I couldn't get along with the other children, I often said things that others thought were mean or cruel without realising and I used to often have what I now understand to be meltdowns, where I would get under a table and scream, or similar. The teachers put me into a special class where they would reward me for not acting out or causing "trouble". I was severely neglected by teachers who hated dealing with me... They made me feel like I was a problem, and I was never diagnosed as an autistic child.
By high school age, I had learnt that being myself was bad and tried to suppress it as much as possible. I did not know what was wrong with me, I just knew that I felt alien compared to everybody else. But I observed them and did EVERYTHING I could to fit in, I thought I was pulling it off but they could see straight through me and I never knew why. It's like I was a different species. My high school life was plagued with bullying and not fitting in.
I've always been a weird kid who prefers alone time over social time with others, and I have VERY intense (and sometimes weird/specific) interests. These interests are all I think about and they bring me great joy, but it makes me hard to maintain a normal conversation with. I've never really held friendships, but I don't mind, since I'm happy on my own. I get all of my happiness and recharge from engaging in my interests alone. So overall, I had a pretty lonely and confused childhood to adulthood.
I'm currently 25 years old, and just last year discovered that I'm autistic. Reading through descriptions of autism was like having everything unexplained about my life explained to me. I fit almost all of the boxes. Easily overstimulated, texture problems, stimming, avoidance to touch, everything I can think of... just the whole lot.
As an adult I'm learning that it's okay to be different and it's okay to be me. I just need to understand myself and what my unique needs are, and then embrace myself for them, and that's the path I'm currently on.
Hello,
Reading this felt like someone had written my own life story! Sorry you had to experience what you have, just know you are not alone. I am also 25 years old and I am currently on a path of living authentically, unapologetically! Embrace yourself, do what you love!
P.S. Welcome
Anonymity is always useful on an open forum. I'm an old fart - into Lego , models- RC, cars planes etc.and photography - and loads more - like a pan-nerdist.
I ended up in nuclear physics!. Fun times.....
I'm glad you're able to be yourself. Putting on an act to be like others was the most miserable and draining thing for me because I hated it and got no happiness from it, only frustration. I do try to appear "normal" on the surface so I mask to some degree I guess, but I refuse to go out of my comfort zone to please others.
I think maybe we're all normal, just unique. I'm sorry if you had to live any part of my negative experiences for yourself.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I think you're absolutely right. As an adult I'm at least finding the world a lot kinder to me than when I was growing up.
Actually, I managed to find a job related to my main interest so I can put it to use. It was nice to have it regarded as a positive skill for once and I'm really happy and in my element.
I'd rather not disclose my interests as they're rather specific and could easily identify me (although I'd love to talk about them, I made this rule to keep my identity a secret before joining), but thank you very much for being interested and asking.
I had difficulty fitting in, but have a sense of community. My masking is actually good for me. Whenever I get home, though, I am myself.
There are so many people who feel just as you do ,who can identify and have lived your words .I am beginning to think it is NTs that aren't the "normal" ones .
Embracingmyself said: These interests are all I think about and they bring me great joy, but it makes me hard to maintain a normal conversation with.
Then find a group of equally interesting friends into interesting stuff. That probably won't happen with neurotypicals (NTs) so your mission is to seek out the people like you. You'll find them anywhere a specialist or expert is needed or people with niche skills and services.
What are your interests?
Hi Embracingmyself!
Your story was interesting to read although I'm sorry to hear about the problems that you've experienced over the years.
I think the sentiments that you describe are spot on - we do need to embrace who we are and accept that whichever way our societies define 'normal' (which is invariably unconvicing) is just one way to experience the world. We are not wrong or dysfunctional in some way - it is our societies which are dysfunctional by not embracing a wide range of diversity. In short, I'm glad to hear that you are focusing on yourself and your needs.
All the best.