Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All,
I'm a 38 year old female who identifies as autistic. I have had sensory and communication issues my entire life and even though it has always been obvious to me that I'm different, people told me I was "just shy" and I'd grow out of it. When I started secondary school I began changing my behaviour to fit in. It was difficult but I coped, I had my mask for the outside world and dealt with all the frustration, anxiety and exhaustion building up inside in my alone time....several times in my life I had to cut myself off from everything and take time out but I always managed to bounce back.
But over the last few years the inability to cope and overwhelming exhaustion started to surface more frequently, the GP told me I was depressed and gave me pills, but they did nothing. CBT didn't either as I couldn't identify these "defective" beliefs that they wanted me to change. I turned to alcohol to cope and that gave me another few years before things broke down again. This time, I turned inward to try and fix the problem and starting researching online and learnt about autism, masking and burnout and the penny finally dropped.
Four months on, I'm still researching and the more I learn about the traits and behaviours, the more it feels like I'm putting together pieces of this jigsaw in my brain. I've been getting counselling privately and working on coping strategies and thankfully my employer has been supportive and I have cut hours and workload. The burnout is still kicking my *** but I'm hoping to come out of it a stronger person as for the first time I'm learning to embrace my differences rather than fight against them.
I am unsure if I want a formal diagnosis as I don't think it will make any difference to me but I do sometimes question whether I need to be a card-carrying member of the club? On the other hand, I have a massive distrust of doctors (well, people generally really) and also doubt my own ability to present myself genuinely and not revert to my masking behaviours to get out of the situation if I feel uncomfortable....I think it will be a while before I reach a decision on this.
I've never managed to make friends or establish any relationships, but I'd like to communicate with like-minded people to learn more about autism and how it affects others, particularly those coming to the realization later in life.
I have two dogs who I spend all my time with, my special interests are gaming which has been a lifelong passion and I have been into local history/genealogy for around 15 years. I am also currently learning to play the piano.
If you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read my introduction.
DD
Welcome. I am also new. A lot of that sounds like you're talking about me. I have experienced all of that I think so you are definitely not alone. I haven't had an assessment yet either but like you, done much research and not made up my mind fully.
There is a wealth of information and insights on this forum if you read through some of the threads which will include the topic of assessment or not. It's great you are doing the inner work, as I've found myself, this is where the only real progress can be initiated and where the aha moments come from. Getting to know myself more has been key for me. Stick with it and never give up. Things will improve.
Thanks for the reply, it is comforting to know others feel the same way as me as it's been quite a lonely journey up to this point. I have been lurking for several weeks on the forum reading through older posts and still have a lot more to look through but the information so far has been massively helpful. Like you say, the inner work is the most important as it's made a huge difference being able to identify the reason why I react or feel a certain way rather than just dismissing it as me being weak or less of a person....and also learning to appreciate the positives that can come from autism is just as important too for me. Really appreciate the kind words of encouragement.